The Ski Hat
By Me, Margie
This is a true story about Me, Margie, skiing, and my pony tail hat. What is a pony tail hat? Glad you asked. It's a hat with a hole in the back for your pony tail to stick out. (Josh and William, it's a pony tail, not a "handle" so shaddup.) If you have a lot of hair, you can't just shove it under a regular knit hat. The hat won't stay on. And you can't just let your hair fly all over the place because then you cannot see. Skiing is risky enough without playing hide 'n' seek with your perspective. Just saying.
After much searching, I found the perfect pony tail hat. It was a beautiful day, so a group of us headed up the chair lift for our first run. We went in different directions. I'd like to say I headed for the more advanced slopes, but that would be a boldfaced lie. And if you're looking for a liar, don't look at Me, Margie.
As I made a turn to take one of the runs, the wind caught me at just the right angle, and blew my new hat off my head. What follows is the probable communication in my brain.
Left Brain: Head is cold. Hat is gone.
Right Brain: My hat! My new pony tail hat! Find it!
Left Brain: We are moving at a high rate of speed. Focus on balance and avoid collisions.
Right Brain: It's the perfect color - periwinkle! Must find it!
Left Brain: Sigh. Locating hat.
Right Brain: There it is! There it is! Get it!
Left Brain: Awww shit. Changing course to follow hat. Could be ill advised.
Right Brain: Faster, faster - it's heading for the trees!
Left Brain: Trees bad. There are other hats.
Right Brain: No there are not. We looked. We are *getting* that hat!
Left Brain: Heavy sigh. Fine. There is no dealing with you when you get like this.
Right Brain: There it is - reach for it.
Left Brain: Don't drop the ...... pole.
Right Brain: Hurry - reach for it!
Left Brain: Stop- coming up too fast on the trees!
Right Brain: Hat!
Left Brain: Tree!
Right Brain: Get the hat!
Left Brain: Watch the branches - the face, the face -- protect the face!
Right Brain: Forget the face - we're smart, we don't need to look good.
Left Brain: Idiot. Okay - eyes - must protect the eyes!
Right Brain: Eyes. Right. Can't read without them. okay. We can do both!
Left Brain: WTF?! DUCK!
Right Brain: Got it!
Left Brain: Holy shit. Snow. Cold. Pain.
Right Brain: Thank heaven. Just in time.
Head: Shut up, both of you. I need to figure out if this bump is something we landed on or a potential aneurism.
Central Nervous System: I hope you geniuses up there are happy. You've got about ten more seconds of adrenaline before the pain sets in.
Feet: Pain? What pain? We've been numb since you put these damn boots on. Who the hell is running the show up there?
Bum: Good thing you ate all those pancakes; without all this padding, we'd all be looking at traction.
Skin: If you boneheads don't get up out of this friggin' snow, and I end up with frostbite, I'll give all you bitches a smackdown that will last for a week, yo.
Eyes: I'm not letting Skin watch The Wire any more.
Left Brain: I give up. We need a drink.
Right Brain: Isn't this the coolest hat?
The end.
That was great! LOL! I didn't know you could ski. Are you all in one piece?
Posted by: ZaZa | January 18, 2008 at 01:27 AM
Hi, I can't find any contacts on your blog. Can I ask you to send a note for me? My email is in profile.
Thanks, Chris
Posted by: Chris Williams | January 18, 2008 at 06:02 AM
Margie said: Josh and William, it's a pony tail, not a "handle" so shaddup.
J'accuse! For once, we're innocent, INNOCENT, I say, yet stand accused. A clear case of "Round up the usual suspects!"
Over to you, Josh....
Posted by: William Simon | January 18, 2008 at 06:38 AM
I agree. Pigtails, now that would be a different story.
Posted by: Josh | January 18, 2008 at 06:47 AM
I don't know about skiing, but I would go to great lengths to rescue a periwinkle hat if I had one.
Glad you're all in one piece!
Posted by: Joyce Tremel | January 18, 2008 at 07:27 AM
Classic, Margie, as always.
Posted by: Katie | January 18, 2008 at 07:32 AM
Darn it, I wanted to make the periwinkle comment! [shakes fist at Joyce]
I do get to be the first to say, Me Margie wrote a blog without the f word in it! She really did hit her head.
Very funny, Marg.
Posted by: ramona | January 18, 2008 at 07:40 AM
Ramona, doesn't "WTF" count?
This blog 'splains a few things, Margie. I thought those marks on your neck were---well, nevermind.
Posted by: Nancy Martin | January 18, 2008 at 07:55 AM
Good grief. Only Margie would risk life and limb for a hat.
William and Josh - cute. In a prehistoric kind of way, of course.
Posted by: Kathy Reschini Sweeney | January 18, 2008 at 08:13 AM
Kathy-
A few weeks ago, Me, Margie, called me "a martini drinking, cigar smoking, red-meat-eating dinosaur."
I'm just trying to live up to that...:)
Posted by: William Simon | January 18, 2008 at 08:19 AM
uh-huh. Kind of a tit for tat thing, huh?
Posted by: Kathy Reschini Sweeney | January 18, 2008 at 08:30 AM
Too funny, Margie.
I wish they'd had those hats when I was younger. Don't have enough hair for a pony tail now. And I'm all about periwinkle.
Posted by: Laura (in PA) | January 18, 2008 at 08:38 AM
Bless you Margie for the best laugh I've had all week...now I can go get my tea, pick up my envelopes and give my two weeks notice :o)
Posted by: Maryann Mercer | January 18, 2008 at 08:46 AM
We interrupt this blog for an important safety announcement. The periwinkle hat sounds beautiful, BUT, you need a helmet!!! I ski with a sleek white helmet and big red goggles. Comfy, warm, chic (standards of skiwear chicness have changed since the 1980s) and SAFE. We need you, Margie!
Posted by: michele | January 18, 2008 at 08:47 AM
Clearly what is needed is the perfect periwinkle ponytail helmet. With matching goggles, of course.
I'm glad you're OK, Margie. Your story is a perfect illustration of why I don't ski (after my one encounter with the slopes). Sitting by the lodge fire drinking hot buttered rum, now, that's more like it . . .
Posted by: Kerry, The Martial Tart | January 18, 2008 at 08:58 AM
loved your blog,you,Margie!it sure saved my day!Thanks!
Posted by: Hannah | January 18, 2008 at 09:07 AM
This is the funniest fucking thing I've read - EVERRRR!!!!
My god, I'm exhausted from laughing. It's so TRUE!
Posted by: SarahS | January 18, 2008 at 09:18 AM
I think we've found a new product to market. For those who like their hair to swing all ways, the pigtail hat -- or, to keep Michele happy, the pigtail helmet. In periwinkle. And perhaps persimmon. And mint. And paprika. And basic black, so you can go right from the ski slopes to the cocktail party.
Margie, I now understand why you've been popping Tylenol lately and mumbling, "for my aneurysm."
Posted by: Harley | January 18, 2008 at 09:55 AM
I'm with you, Kerry. Life and limb are too important. Now for a while in Minnesota, I did cross-country skiing, but that's a whole different thing, like a walk in the woods. Occasional falls are slow-speed, just unexpected sit-downs. We even crossed lakes, perfectly flat terrain -- can't do that here in Missouri.
BTW, I read in the Post that purple is the in color this year, so this is the year to stock up if that's your favorite color range.
I'm off now to tell stories to a friend's 1st grade class. Now there's a safe sport! I'm taking the Flat Stanley a friend's daughter sent from Utah, though we decided SHE is really Flat Sheila. Maybe I'll have Hannah make her a ponytail hat.
Posted by: Mary Storyteller | January 18, 2008 at 10:03 AM
Perhaps someone can patent a ski helmet with that all-important pony-tail factor...in periwinkle of course:o)
Posted by: Maryann Mercer | January 18, 2008 at 10:08 AM
Too funny! Is that a picture of you modeling a ponytail hat, Margie? Just askin'...
Posted by: beachfla | January 18, 2008 at 10:18 AM
DO YOU KNOW ANY KNITTERS? If not, I would be glad to knit you a hat with a pony tail hole in it. And if it is a wool hat, chances are it will grip to you hair enough so that it won't fly off. You won't have to put life and limb in danager because your darn hat flew off.
I read the Murder She Wrote blog everyday and it enjoy it tremendously. Knitting this hat would be part of my paying-it-forward karma.
I hesitate to put my email address on here because of all the kooks out there - but here it is - hester.sturrock@dot.state.ga.us
Best - Hester
Posted by: Hester | January 18, 2008 at 10:26 AM
OOPS - I meant I read The Lipstick Chronicles everyday and enjoy it tremedously. Its Friday morning and I'm waiting to here from a hot job interview yesterday, I'm eating junk food to stay awake -- just trying to maintain while feeling the Friday morning blues - Thank God we have Monday off!!! Best- Hester
Posted by: Hester | January 18, 2008 at 10:31 AM
Hester, any reader who eats junk food to stay awake automatically becomes an honorary Tart, no matter if you plug another blog here. But we're selling your e-mail address to the highest bidder to fund the company picnic.
Posted by: Nancy Martin | January 18, 2008 at 10:54 AM
Nancy, maybe we should all forward all our email "forwards' to her now as well. hahahaha
Posted by: jodiL | January 18, 2008 at 11:04 AM