Love At Last

By Sarah

Last weekend, a friend of mine and the guy she's been dating took the long drive to her hometown so he could ask her father for her hand in marriage. Old fashioned, yes, but also sweet. Especially since my friend is in her early fifties and the guy she's been seeing, a church minister, is bearing down on sixty. Both have been married twice before and so you'd think a third engagement would be standard stuff. Not so. She was ebullient.

The joy in her voice echoed the happiness all of us feel for them. If there are two people who ever were meant to be together, it's these two. I'm not sad they didn't find each other sooner; I'm glad they found each other at last. Just goes to show that the idea that we're supposed to settle into our ideal careers and find our true loves by age twenty five is a bunch of hooey.

Have you talked to someone in their early twenties recently? I mean really sat down and discussed life and plans. They're facocked. Either they're I'll-drift-around-the-world dreamers for whom money and health insurance are flimsy concepts or they've got it all figured out, right down to whom they'll marry, when they'll marry, what kind of house they'll buy and the date of their retirement. To tell you the truth, I prefer the dreamers by far.

Makes me think of my Aunt Dee, a gloriously blonde alcoholic, who was married to a steel executive. It was an okay marriage until he dropped - boom! - dead on the floor of a massive heart attack. A few years later she went on a cruise and came back married to a gracious gentleman who doted on her every whim. Her drinking subsided and she smiled more. Perfect union. And somewhere in England a seventy-something woman I know is romping with her boyfriend of many years in their Cotswolds house, a deserved ending considering her first husband cheated and dumped her during a classic mid-life crisis.

See, good things do come to women who suffer.

Then there are these two, Charles and Camilla, the poster couple for late-in-life love. Though that's not exactly accurate since they fell in love when they were young but the military and a mother got in the way. Sorry about the loss of Diana (as Eddie Izzard says, "I was watching that!") but bravo for correcting the mistake they made when they were young.

Now that I've been married twenty years, I've got some perspective on the institution and this is what I've come up with: 1) I was very lucky to find a guy with a commitment to commitment who stayed handsome and, thanks to my repeated nagging, was willing to shed most of his faults. 2) I had no idea, no idea, whom I was marrying or what I was getting into. It's true. I was freaking clueless.

You hear people constantly say that about their spouses - "They're not the person I married!" Of course not! When I was twenty five my world revolved around my day job as a newspaper reporter, going out and partying - none of which I do now. (Okay, maybe a little partying - but not nearly as much as I used to.) To stay the same after twenty years would be stultifying. That's like buying a computer and working with the original software. Think about trying to turn on Microsoft OS 2.1 every night.

So what's a girl to do? If you want kids and you want them to have a father, you better get started in your twenties when you don't really know who you are much less who he is. Or, you could wait for men to cycle through a couple of relationships and weddings until they're adequately house trained - but then the kid issue might be dicey.

Maybe the answer is an arranged marriage. I knew an Indian woman who followed her husband to Cleveland so he could attend graduate school there. It made sense for parents to arrange marriages, she told me once. The parents' love for their children insures that they'll plan a happy union. And yet here's a story about a couple who went against their parents plans and secretly fell in love. Very romantic.

Before I go, I hope you'll check out Patry Francis's novel THE LIAR'S DIARY, being released today in paperback. Patry would be out plugging it herself except she's been blindsided by an aggressive form of cancer. So a bunch of bloggers are spreading the word about her book with the hope that if you like the pitch below, please BUY IT THIS WEEK so Patry can get the credit for the lists. (You guys know the drill by now.)

Here's the pitch:

How would you react if your only child were arrested for murder.When Jeanne Cross, a reserved high school secretary is befriended by Ali Mather, the stunning, talented and sexy new music teacher, she   slowly begins to recognize the hidden fractures in her own carefully constructed life. But when Ali is found murdered, and Jeanne's son is accused of the crime, that life is completely, and perhaps irreparably, shattered.

In addition to writing fiction, Patry blogs about her life at Simply Wait, where she inspires readers with beautifully observed slices of the life around her. (I read it ....it's really good!)

Thanks for reading,

Sarah

Comments

[Harley]

Well, Sarah, you have just made my day. I feel like I'm in the "before" part of your blog, but now I get to look forward to the "after" -- sign me up for that cruise. No wonder I love your books so much -- happy endings!

Mary Alice, can we order Patry's book through you?

[michele]

Sarah, this blog is SO true. People should be required to demonstrate previous failed relationships before they get married. How else do you learn that love ain't always roses?

For me, the hardest parts have been around having kids. How the hell did I manage never to discuss with my husband how we'd divide the work before the little ones came along? I think we thought the work would be FUN, and that it could be fit in around our flourishing careers. Hahahahaha. It took us years to sort that out, and those years were not easy.

[Mary P.]

Sarah,

There are so many layers to this topic. I'll address a few:

1.Last year I went to the wedding of a friend. She was 50. She had a very long list of requirements in a husband and this guy met them all. They are very happy. My friend had been through a lot in her life (hunting death of her father, plane crash death of her brother, loss of hearing at a very young age, to name a few). I'm not sure if there is a moral to this story, but it is so nice to see such happiness.

2.I deal with college students every day in my job. It's true--most don't have clue about life. But I also see students who come back three, four or five years later. There is a BIG difference. A lot happens in those first few years out of school.

3.I am a big proponent of not marrying until at 25 for that reason. BUT, I also know lots and lots of kids who marry right out of college and do just fine. Why? I think the difference is a mutual religious conviction that marriage is until death. Neither person has any big negatives (addiction, mental illness, for example). Because of this commitment, they kids keep loving each other through change. They are nice people as individuals and stay nice to each other over time.

4.My husband is a professor. He has students who go back to India and return married. My informal estimate of where I live is that about 50% of couples orginally from India are in some kind of arranged marriage. The usual way its done is that the women in the family "screen" prospective brides. The guy meets the finalists and picks. The gal has some kind of say (can refuse if she hates the guy) They get married. This takes place in a very short time (a few weeks at most). Again, these couples seem just fine together and if anything, I think their divorce rate is less than what is typical. There is a lot to be said for family screening/approval IMO. Yes, there are exceptions, but most parents would choose well for their child.

Okay-in conclusion to this long post. Love is great. Being in love is great. BUT it is only factor in a lasting, happy marriage.

[Maryann Mercer]

I think in a way I prefer the dreamers too, although I fear most of them don't stay that way, either by choice or chance. I was engaged within a month after my first date with Chuck (a blind date at that although we had met briefly in the back seat of his buddy's VW) and married the following June. This, after spending three years with someone who I would have sworn was the love of my life (until he dumped me for a classmate of my sister's and ended up marrying the boss's daughter. I hear they're happy, but my sister sees him occasionally and says he looks really old. She never liked him). I don't think I had a clue either, but 40 years later we're still going along with only minor bumps in the road. And I had my daughter at a time when parents adpated to their children's schedules, not the other way around. Chuck learned the diaper duty reluctantly...being from the Virginia clan I spoke yesterday, he had to be taught household chores :o) Still, Catherine managed to survive our mistakes in parenting and ended up with her soulmate (after knowing him for quite a while as a friend) He asked Chuck for her hand in marriage and then swore him to secrecy until he and Cath were off on a cruise, where he popped the question on deck under the stars. even then my son-in-law knew I couldn't keep a secret :o)
But, the best love story I know concerns a friend who found her soulmate after several years as a widow...they are yin and yang and enjoy each other immensely at the ages of 62 and 67 respectively. Love like hope springs eternal :o)

[charlie]

Fackocked -- what a great word! I had to look it up. Merriam-Webster failed me, but not a general Google search.

So, love has an awful lot to do with luck. And, sometimes (sadly, not always) the inverse works as well; luck can be made by love. I know. I am a lucky one.

[Maryann Mercer]

Geez, I need to proofread when I write before I have my tea...oh and I know it sounds like Chuck was my rebound guy, but if he was, he was the right one as well :o)
Mary-I agree...I think the real world can be a rude awakening for kids who expect the gold ring right out of the box, whether it's in careers or marriage. I'd add respect as one of those factors that make a marriage work...that and learning when to be selfish, and when to be selfless.

[Maryann Mercer]

charlie-definition please for those of us too lazy to Google:O)

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

Great post, Sarah. Something I read somewhere has stuck with me for a long time: In your teens, who you are is hugely influenced by your parents. In your twenties, you're starting to experiment to find out who you really want to be. With luck, you'll have picked a road by your early thirties.

What that says to me (and I saw this so clearly in my own daughter) is that it's a miracle that anyone who marries in his/her early 20's ever stays married to the same person -- because that requires both partners to converge, if not on a common road, then at least on two compatible roads that run side-by-side. Or, to put it another way, it requires that the changes each one goes through still results in a couple who find one another worthy objects of love and commitment.

I wasn't that lucky, myself, but had the great good fortune to learn from my early experiences and to end up with someone for whom I thank my lucky stars every day. And my daughter managed to surprise me not too long ago with the revelation that her earlier plan of being married and a mother at 25 no longer seems very important (a good thing, as her 25th b-day is right around the corner).

[Josh]

Good for you, Charlie, not to whiff.

On the "asking for hand in marriage" issue, the babes at Feministing (or was it Feministe or Jezebel?--I don't remember) recently had a spirited discussion about that tradition. It was fun to be a fly on the wall.

On the arranged marriage issue, my wife had a friend in college, a guy of Indian descent who had gone to Bronx Science, who had an arranged marriage. It's been well over 25 years, and they are still together. I think their oldest son is at Yale.

[Josh]

Definition of "Farkakte" (taboo) - Dungy, shitty.

That's from my on-line source for Yiddish, Yiddishkeit. Very useful site.

[sarahS]

facocked is yet another great Yiddish word meaning something that is totally screwed up. It's close enough to the other f word to provide satisfaction. Which makes me wonder - what is it about the "f" and "k" sounds?

That's really interesting about the young students who get married and are happy. I think that's a certain subset and I bet they have a lot of family support as well. Very nice. My husband (see above) parents have known each other since grade school and are one of the happiest couples I know after many, many years.

But I do love the late in life love stories. The NYT weddings section does a good job of profiling a wide range of couples and lately there's been a spate of those who've found each other after decades of separation. Makes my heart break.

[charlie]

Here's my favorite, Maryanne: To be in an irreconcilable situation that's probably your fault. example: The delivery man tricked me into signing away power of attorney. I am quite facocked.

Josh - I reread my note and I see it is sickeningly sweet drivel. my apologies -- get out the gab bag.

[sarahS]

Okay, so now that Josh has weighed in I'll demur. But that's a blog for the future - Yiddish words we love. Only, I can never spell them....

[sarahS]

I'm sorry, but that was a very sweet post, Charlie, and I will express my gratitude as I did in a famous blog many moons ago. Josh remembers.

[Nancy Martin]

Brilliant blog, as always, Sarah, and I love it when Charlie peeks in.

I met Patry Francis last year when our book tours bumped at the Seattle mystery bookstore. What a pleasure she is! I've read The Liar's Diary---and recommend it! Good mystery, great voice.

[Maryann Mercer]

Thanks, charlie, josh and sarah...I now have a new word to use :o)

[Mary Storyteller]

On my solo cruise in Hawaii, my retirement present to myself, I met a delightful honeymoon couple. She was in her '70's, he was a bit older than she was, and they were so incredibly happy! It gave me hope. I got to know them because he was having difficulty walking to the tour bus (it was pretty far from the ship) and didn't want a wheelchair. Of course not, what honeymooner wants his bride pushing him in a chair. I corraled a chair and offered him a ride in his chariot, and they could go side-by-side. Some good deeds do go unpunished; I was put on the first bus with them, and seated at a front table, and had a wonderful time!! (and learned that there's always hope).
A storytelling couple here in St. Louis made a plea for family involvement in courting, citing "Uncle Rat" in "Froggie Went a'Courting." Their point was that the young couple is too influenced by fleeting feelings, while the family will look for qualities that last. I used to point that out to students when we read _Othello_.
About the sharing of diapers: My manager's wife (at Prudential, many years ago) shared how she got her southern guy to share the job. She just sweetly said, "That's ok, J (he was J.D.), I can do it. I change her diapers because I love her and want her to be healthy and comfortable, and I thought you loved her as much as I do, but if you don't, it's ok." She said he never complained about diapers again. Oh, and today's e-mail from Sauce reported on a helpful Weeblock for preventing showers during diaper changes http://www.inventiveparent.com/cgi-bin/shopper.cgi?preadd=action&key=BATLWEEB

[Marcia in OK]

Sarah - you've made my day. There's hope for those of us on the losing side of one of those mid-life crisis debacles.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Just a bit OT...

http://www.newsweek.com/id/105974

Margaret Truman died yesterday at age 83.

[hollygee]

Long story, but I will try to shorten.
In my 20s, my same aged stepbrother brought home a friend. Hubba, hubba. That friend a year or so later stopped by on leave from the Air Force, and I used the time I had. But after he returned to base, I got scared and sent him a dear john letter.

Forty years later, I looked him up on the internet and found a phone number, but no email. I held on to his number for a couple of years and then got the courage to call and apologize for the DJ letter. He was single and had been for 25 years after two failed marriages. I had zip relationships in the intervening years. We began IMing a lot [he in Calif, I in Vermont]. Then we decided to go ahead. Next week is our first anniversary of living together in his 320 sq ft house in Calif. We are both glad to be here together.

[sarahS]

OMG Holly.....what a story!

[michele]

Holly, that's a *beautiful* story. It belongs in a book (or at least on a blog!) Thanks for sharing.

[William Simon]

If I were King, no one would marry before age 30. By that point, hopefully, one's career is on track, one has lived alone (and learned what goes into making a home), and (again, hopefully), a lot of partying and silly stuff has been dispensed with.

[jodiL]

I'm chiming in late, but had to give William his due. When I tucked my baby daughter in at night, I always ended my goodnights with, and don't get married until you are at least 27. Said that to her every night until she was a young teen. Must have worked, she didn't marry until she was 31 and said it was my fault she waited until then. But she is still on her first and only marriage, good times and bad.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Wonderful topic. One weekend at church, Pastor Pam was talking about the couple she'd married the day before...how nervous the blushing bride was. She was 85 and the groom was around 89! She was they were so much in love.

I'm lucky. I got it right on only my second try!