A DEADLINE YOU CAN’T REFUSE
by Harley

I’ve been AWOL for a long time from the blog, while my blog sisters have interrupted vacations, deadlines and comas to bring you fresh posts each day. But I’m back. The reason for my absence was that I was trying to make up for time lost to divorce (a hobby that’s kind of like cleaning out closets, training for a marathon, watching all six seasons of The Sopranos, doing several years of back taxes and spending untold hours in therapy, in a constant rotation, while having a dentist drilling in your mouth. Not uninteresting, but you know—time-consuming) and finish my current novel.

I failed. I missed my deadline. More than once. In fact, I’ve had more extensions than—(hey, there’s a new Japanese movie called Ekusute about murderous hair extensions!) Never mind. My generous editor will go to heaven for the patience she has shown me this year. And I must not let her down. I must make this deadline.

But here’s the good news: eight minutes ago I finished the first draft of A DATE YOU CAN’T REFUSE. At 458 pages and 105,165 words, it has way too many characters, dozens of loose ends, excessive yakking, a surfeit of implausibility, a paucity of logic, too much information all thrown in at the end, no pacing, little suspense, only sporadic humor, endless clichés, stuff I thought I’d explained that’s nowhere on the page, and stuff I wrote in chapter 4 that also appears in chapters 13, 47 and 52. The ending made me cry and not in a good way. There are entire paragraphs that appear to have been written by my 7-year old (who is, naturally, gifted, but still . . . ) And somewhere around 100,000 words, my spellcheck informed me it was just plain tired and was quitting. No reason given. Just – boom! – “I’ve had it. I’m outta here.”

So now I have to coax and wrestle it into readability. To that end, I’m throwing myself on the mercy of you, the Commenters. Just like I did with my last novel, DEAD EX, I’m sharing a few of the 197 items on my To Do List. Can anyone out there give me help with:

1. Russian. I need a native speaker of Russian, Belorussian, Ukrainian, Romanian, any of those wacky languages. Where is Mary Czarnetzki, our childhood cleaning lady now, when I really need her? (Well, dead.)
2. Steroids. Do you or someone you love abuse steroids?
3. Arteries. Ever severed an artery? Ever given medical treatment to someone who has?
4. You know how people are futzing with their cars to run on olive oil or I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter instead of gasoline? Can you do this to a Suburban?
5. FBI i.d. badges. What do they look like up close?
6. Agoraphobia. (we can talk online. Don’t have to meet at the mall or anything.)
7. Slavik Soul Party – the band. Anyone a fan?
8. one-way glass
9. bullet-proof glass
10. mud wraps at the 4 Seasons
11. wiretaps
12. ITAR (international traffic in arms regulations)
13. painting with chalk (solid, not liquid)

That’s it. Not too onerous. Not like the ham radio questions of two years ago. Anyway, I’m happy to be back and thanks, Nancy, Sarah, Elaine, Michele, Rebecca-the-bookseller and oh—Margie? I used up all the diet coke over the weekend. And at one point I took a nap in the supply closet, which is why the coffee filters are kind of crushed and have mascara stains on them.

Happy Monday!
Harley

Comments

[Hannah]

Great to have you back Harley!I've missed your blogs a great deal.

And congrats on your first draft!don't mind about paragraphs that sound as they would've been written by your daughter.as a teacher i know that 7-year olds can be very creative and sometimes can actually write even better than adults.(NOTE:i'm not suggesting that it's like that in your case...)

And about those Russians...you have quite a bunch of fans there...they would sure be happy to help you out.Though i live in a country that is next to Russia,i still havent' been able to learn that tacky language...how can anyone understand that???!!!

[Mary Storyteller]

I'm afraid I can't help much with your list. I think my phone was tapped back in the '70's -- antiwar activist and all. When we heard the clicks we'd just say hi to the nice FBI man. That's as close as I can come, so I'll instead congratulate you on survival and perseverance. Even my own relatively simple divorce (no kids, no possessions, and agreement that we'd just drifted away . . .) was difficult enough that I took off for a month in Central America, where people had way bigger problems.
I also have some good news for you -- from the On-Line Bookclub -- Yeah, Harley!!
DearReader.com
MYSTERY BOOK CLUB

Sign up at: http://www.dearreader.com/
======================================

This week's book:
DEAD EX
by Harley Jane Kozak

[Mary Storyteller]

Off topic now --
I'm continuing to enjoy Elaine's first _Urban Affairs_ (love inter-library loan!) Great stuff on football, even more radical than my "give each side their own ball so they will stop fighting," which used to shock my male students.

Funny piece on elevator drama! We should bring this one back into play, really! One of the Prudential managers back in the '70's used to embarrass female employees by asking if he'd left his pajamas at their place the previous night. (Now he'd be brought up on harassment charges). Since I was training to be a sales agent, I learned to give back as good or better, so when he tried that on me, I coolly informed him he hadn't been wearing any pajamas at my place.
Later, I returned to Minneapolis for a visit, after moving back to St. Louis. A man I'd been seeing got on the elevator and said, "Mary, good to see you. I've been trying to call you." I told him and our audience that if he'd called my number, he would have known I'd moved away. Busted!

I had a friend who used to do bus drama -- longer pieces, more sustained role-playing. On one bus trip downtown, she informed her friend that she hadn't been able to keep the babysitter, so she had left the children locked in the closet with a box of cereal, and "they'll be fine." This was in the '70's before there were so many news stories of real children treated that way. I'm surprised someone didn't follow her to work to investigate, but I had noticed a certain "cows to the slaughter" bleariness about morning bus rides to work.

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Harley!!

How *great* to have you back!

If only my Pupup were alive - he spoke Russian, and knew about some of your other items too.

I've had mud wraps, but not at the Four Seasons - that's the only one I can help with. My best wrap ever was in chocolate at the Hotel Hershey Spa- boy am I glad I got it before we had to hate Hershey. (Hey Josh, what's the latest on that?)

[ramona]

Harley, wash out your mouth. I cannot allow anyone to speak that way about Wollie and her adventures. The draft probably just needs a little bit of tweaking, so stop being so dramatic.

About your list, I'm afraid I can't help with a single thing. I feel so useless. Tell you what, why don't I run off, sever an artery, and get back to you?

Anything to help a Bond sister.

[Laura (in PA)]

Wonderful to see you blogging, Harley. Unfortunately, I have no talents/experiences that would help you with your list. I'm totally in the mood to try out agoraphobia for a while, though, if that would help.

However, I promise I will read the book and learn about them all. :)

[Nancy Martin]

Harley, my brother took Russian in college. But he has dyslexia (surely the worst condition for Russian--or maybe the best?) and it took him 4 years to get one language credit, so I don't think he's your best bet.

Why don't you include a subplot about murderous hair extensions?

[SarahS]

Great to have you back, Harley! Man, does that book sound good. I can't help you of course because there's an inverse relationship between living and time spent writing about living. How screwed up is that?

Onward!

[hollygee]

Painting with pastels? Or only chalk? There is a difference. Pastels are almost pure pigment held together by a light binder. Chalk is gypsum (calcium sulfate with some color added. I have had some experience. Wiki has good info and links.

[j renee stuart]

Hi Harley, welcome back. I was a Russian translater in the army. It was 'mnogo lyet tomu nazad' (many years ago), but I may still be able to help. Just tell me what you need.

[Judy Larsen]

Great to have you back, Harley. I can't help with the list--well, util I sever an artery which, I suppose, could happen any damn time. But, I'm in dire need of pampering so maybe I'll head out and get some mud wraps. If I do, I'll give you a full report!

[Maryann Mercer]

Welcome back, Harley! I too am useless in the areas that you need, but I can send cookies :o)

[Joyce Tremel]

Welcome back, Harley.

I'm sitting right beside a bullet proof window right now. Does that count? My office has one to separate me from any loonies who may stop in to the PD. I've been here nine years and haven't needed it yet.

[michele]

Welcome back, Harley! We all missed your blogs a lot and we're thrilled you're back.

Remember, I was a federal prosecutor for eight years. If you have any of these law enforcement questions, just ask!

Steroids -- we did a few steroid distribution cases, although this drug didn't get prosecuted much in my day. What do you need to know?

FBI ID badges are commonly referred to as "shields." They're gold, they look like a little shield, they're contained in a leather holder that can be worn around the neck on a chain. If I remember correctly they say "Department of Justice, Federal Bureau of Investigation." They probably have the Justice Dept. eagle on them, but I'm not sure of that.

Wiretaps -- Doing narcotics and gang cases in the 90s, wiretaps were our main investigative tool, just like on "The Wire." I've done many dozens of wiretaps. Anything you want to know -- what evidence you need in order to apply for one, procedures before the judge, the technical aspects, what's it's like to be "up on a wire" -- ask away.

[Harley]

Okay! I'm awake!

j. renee, you were a Russian translator in the army? Wow. So the deal is, my brother is a language savant and minored in Russian in college, but he's such a stickler that he insists I find a native speaker to help with the colloquial aspect of what I want. But heck, you must be awfully good, even if not a native (which of course you may be) so could you e-mail me at beastinc@verizon.net so we don't give away Important Plot Points to everyone?

Hollygee, it's pastel, not chalk. Sorry. I've been playing around with it, but I want to talk to a Real Artist, if possible.

[Harley]

Michele, I don't suppose you ever were addicted to steroids? That would be just too good to be true. I want to know what the withdrawal is like. Crankiness? Headache? All your muscle turning to flab in one day? what?

I'll have to talk to you later about the wiretaps. Very hush-hush stuff, you know. Wouldn't want it overheard.

Maryann, what kind of cookies?

[Maryann Mercer]

Harley...what kind would you like?

[Karen Olson]

Welcome back, Harley!

I did a story about agoraphobia for a weekly newspaper way back when. But I think it's one of those things that doesn't change with time. I even attended an agoraphobic support group meeting. Any questions, drop me an email. I'll answer your questions as best I can!

[Harley]

Oh, my GOD! An agoraphobic support group -- this is too funny. I may have to add that to the book.

Karen, can you e-mail me at beastinc@verizon.net so I'll know your e-mail?

[Harley]

Okay, this is interesting: I tried to comment and got this:

We're sorry, your comment has not been published because TypePad's antispam filter has flagged it as potential comment spam. It has been held for review by the blog's author.

The thing is, I am the blog's author. So now I'm reviewing my own comment. Nope, sorry, Harley. That's not the kind of comment we at TLC accept.

[Harley]

The comment in question consisted of one word:

Snickerdoodles.

[Tom]

Topic 4 - Making a Greasemobile (as some are known, colloquially); if the Suburban had the optional diesel engine to start with, then the answer is yes. The conversions I have read about all began life as diesels. Modifications are made to add a start-up fuel tank holding plain diesel fuel. Once the engine is running and warmed up, the driver switches over to the tank holding the 'grease,' the vegetable-oil that's been prepped to be fuel. BTW, the fryer grease from restaurants DOES need to be treated and cleaned before it goes into the fuel tank.

Topic 8, Topic 9 - One-Way Mirrors, Bullet-Proof Glass. This is the kind of stuff I used to research for 'Modern Marvels.' One-way mirrors are usually not opaque from all angles, and rely on viewers in a darkened room to help with the transparency problem. Bullet-proof glass is now either massively-thick Lexan plastic (like at the police station or the bank) or Lexan layered with adhesive plastic film, like automotive safety glass. Let me know what specifics you need to check.

Topic 1 - Native Russian speaker. I know some Russian Armenians from my old job in Glendale. How much dialectical difference there'd be between the guys and native Muscovites, I couldn't say. Do you know Denise Hamilton? She's from the Russian emigre community, if I'm not mistaken. I also have a friend who's first-generation American, from a Russian-speaking family, and did her BA in Russian.

[Tom]

There's spam, and there's snickerdoodles. The two taste nothing alike.

-1 for dumb Mr. Typepad.

[Maryann Mercer]

Harley, just tell me how to get them to you and you'll have them by the weekend :o)

[Harley]

The bullet-proof glass is in a vehicle.
One-way glass is maybe . . . on a deck? Can people do that? Regular folks?
Maryann, are you serious? e-mail me at beastinc@verizon.net!
Yes, i DO know Denise Hamilton!