What We Need Are More Bad Parents

By Sarah

A couple of days ago, I looked up from my laptop and realized I had no idea where I was. Granted, I'm four days away from deadline and I've cut off most email and other contact with the outside world, but even this was extreme. I was in an unlit cavernous space with beamed ceilings sitting on a well-varnished picnic bench surrounded by huge windows that looked onto snow upon snow. Also, there was a poster of Bode Miller, bad boy Bode, staring back at me as if to ask, "What are you doing here, you slug?" It was almost night. There were no people.

And then I remembered. I was at a deserted ski area where my daughter had come to tune her skis for ski team. Only, I drove her to the sister ski area and came back to the ski team lodge because not only was it deserted, it also had clean bathrooms, heat, electricity, internet access, fresh water, no phone or cell phone signal and absolutely no food. In short, the ideal writing conditions.

So ideal, in fact, that I'd completely forgotten about my daughter. I mean, completely. I was supposed to pick her up almost an hour before and had become so lost in my writing I could barely remember her  name. Plus, with no cell phone signal there was no way for her - or anybody - to reach me. (Not for nothing did Stephen King set the Shining in an abandoned resort.)

This, folks, is called bad parenting. Or, as my sister in law and I prefer to call it, benign neglect. Not that I always forget my kids. I don't. Usually I have a general idea of what they're doing and where they're going. Anyway, they're both good and responsible children. Get great grades, are kind to animals, abstain from most illegal substances, etc...I'm not too worried. Except when other parents get on my case for being neglectful, which is what happened the other night.

There I was going through the grocery store minding my own business after dropping off my daughter for ski team practice, when another mother whose daughter is also on the team stopped to ask me if my daughter had made practice. Yes, I said, wondering why I answer these stupid questions. This opened the door to more inquiries - Were rumors true that my daughter was going to drop out? Was my daughter aware that she'd probably not finish her first races? Why didn't she sell any fundraising poinsettias?

Right off, I was on my muscle. While I may appear normal to the outside world -  having enough sense to follow basic hygenic guidelines- inside I am a whirring, stirring mixture of ideas, plot and dialogue overlayed by a good dose of self loathing. That's an author on deadline. At least, that's me on deadline. Not pretty. Think Godzilla in a Julie Andrews costume.

So I snapped at her and she snapped back and I left the store berating myself further. Why can't I be like other mothers, on top of it, involved? Why am I never on the class committee? Why do I loathe the PTA? Why do I never volunteer in school?

Answer, because I am a bad parent.

Then I read about Megan Meier, the 13-year-old girl from the St. Louis area who hanged herself October 16 after reading disturbing messages on her Myspace site in which a boy named Josh suggested the world would be a better place without her. Turns out, Josh was no boy. He was - perhaps - the 47-year-old mother of a friend Megan had stopped hanging around with. Either the mother of the friend posed as Josh to learn more about why Megan dropped her daughter or she had more sinister motives. That's beside the point. The point is this mother was so involved in her daughter's life that she created an online persona named Josh just to interract with Megan.

Creepy? Yup.

The thing is, there are a couple of parents I know who might pull a stunt like this. Oh, they probably wouldn't tell another kid that the world was better off without them. But they read their children's emails, they listen to their phone calls and overly scrutinize their free time. An online persona seems like one simple step away.

As parents we walk a fine line when it comes to involving ourselves in our kids' lives, especially when dealing with teenagers. There are some friends of my daughter's who are flirting with all sorts of high risk activities and we've had to remind her that hanging out with these kids - getting in a car!! - is not allowed. Frankly, she's smart enough to have figured that out on her own. So I can understand the urge to pry, to see what's really going on.

My husband argues that parents who are overly involved are nothing new. True. He lived through a horrible ordeal in which a child was murdered by the overly involved parent of a playmate. (Also, overly insane.) But I think the internet has added a more anonymous twist. Teenagers bare their souls on such places as Live Journal and, though they pride themselves on being more internet savvy than us, their idiot parents, they post some damn confessional stuff.

All I know is that part of me longs for the days when parents eagerly ripped themselves from their children's lives and went off to do what adults do - drinking, smoking, switching around sexual partners.  Or maybe I'm just feeling nostalgic for the Seventies. Anyway, I'm tired of good parents making me feel guilty with their five-point seatbelts and soccer clinics. Bring back the era of neglectful parenting. I think we'd all be better off.

Or that could just be the Godzilla in me coming out.

By next week I'll be off deadline and sane! Let's just hope I'm alive, too.

Sarah

Comments

[Josh]

I can give you bad parenting. Note the kid in the yellow shirt at :09 at the right side of the frame. See his green sneaker at :16? See him get thrown back on the stage at :39? The camera cut away before he jumped back into the crowd after that, he claims.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NhP9TS_2h3g

On the other hand, I was there, probably next to the guy with the camera. I think I was the only parent in the place, though not the only person with earplugs.

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Sarah - there is nothing worse than a Super Mom/Dad who thinks they've got it all together with their kids. Many times, those are the kids who are syndicating drug deals and sneaking off to the clinic for tests once a month.

You're not a bad parent - you're a professional with a serious deadline. If you were closing a big merger or in trial, no one would expect you do anything else but work. You need backup, not guilt. Ask for help. Some of these other parents would probably be happy to help shuttle the kids, and you can return the favor when you're not under the gun.

And Josh - you win. I'd do a lot for my kids, but I couldn't even listen to that on the lowest setting, let alone live for an entire concert.

[Susan]

I could write a book about the bad parenting mistakes I have made. What I have learned, though, after 16 years at it is that kids will pretty much be what they are going to be despite your best/worst efforts to make them something else. I've often said of my daughter that she was born to be exactly the person she is, and it's been my job to not mess it up.

What my kids do know is that I love them beyond what they can imagine, and that nothing can change that. Even in my moments of benign neglect when I am thoroughly engaged in something that has nothing to do with them, they know nothing on earth matters more to me than them. So maybe that makes up for my boo-boo's. At least, that's what I'm counting on.

Great blog. I wondered if someone would pick up on that St. Louis story about the My Space mom. Very disturbing.

[William Simon]

The newest trend down here is parents accompanying Junior or Little Miss to a job interview, waiting outside during, then confronting the HR rep demanding an answer right then if their precious little one got the job or not; in one instance, the candidate's father made some (supposed) veiled threats if his daughter was not hired. This is not McDonald's or JC Pennys Holiday Help, this has happened at least twice at one oil company I worked for, and there are rumors that another is about to adopt a "No Parents" policy.

[Laura (in PA)]

I've said before that I'm naive, but I don't get what some of these parents are doing. I'm obviously a proponent of knowing who your kids' friends are, knowing where they're going and how they're getting there and making sure they are clear on when they are expected to be home. But I don't understand this intimate involvement in every single aspect of their kids' lives. Maybe I'm trying to lessen my own guilt, but I just don't think it's the right thing to do.

I have a neighbor who we call "Supermom", because she has her (4) kids in every sport, tells her only daughter she is too heavy and has to join the track team (the kid is about a size 2), is involved in every school field trip, and runs about 6 miles a day with the youngest in a stroller. The daughter is my daughter's age, and couldn't wait to go away to school.

Also, I live on a cul-de-sac. The bus stop is at the entrance to the street, 5 houses down. Every parent on my end of the street DRIVES their kid to the stop sign where the bus stops, and sits with them in the car until the bus comes. I never did. My kid walked the 5 houses, and stood there sometimes in the cold, and when it was raining, with an umbrella. So sign me up on the bad parenting list.

Should we get started on the parents' behavior at sports events?

I just don't get it.

Laura

[SarahS]

Laura - the cul de sac story is classic, no? But the poor girl on the track team.

William, I've read about this phenomenon. When I was in my 20s, the last thing I wanted was my parents involved in any aspect of my life. Hell, hadn't I fought and worked to get out from under their control. Ipso facto, they didn't want to be involved in mine, either.

It used to be that teenagedom was a chance to break away and establish your own identity. What's happened to that? Are parents simply "too" good????

Josh - there's no explanation for you. None.

[laurenjharwood]

I'm definitely a bad parent too. I can frequently be found, annoyed, at the kitchen counter signing papers before school/work "Why didn't anyone give me these sooner? Like LAST NIGHT when I actually had TIME to sign them?!"

I often don't realize I have to bring someone somewhere, pick them up, participate, bake, etc etc etc, until the last possible minute, because I wasn't paying attention.

Here's the thing, though: my kids are a lot more self-sufficient than the whiny, snot-nosed brats whose mother's are still packing their lunches and volunteering in the classroom. My kids know who to call if they can't reach me, they know that a baggie filled with oreos does not count as lunch and that they will be in a world of trouble WHEN I find out (and I will find out). They look out for each other. They confide in each other.

As for myspace and the like... my oldest has a profile. I'm listed as a "friend", so I can see what she's saying and who she's friending. When she made an un-wise friend choice on Facebook, I woke her up from a sound-sleep in the middle of the night (when I discovered it) to yell at her (I was scared) and let her know what an incredibly stupid decision she'd made.

The next day I explained I wasn't mad, I was scared. Because I was.

I suspect you, like me, aren't really a bad parent, you're just not an overbearing one. And some other parents over there think being a meddling, involved in every aspect parent makes them better at the job.

It doesn't. It just makes their kids better at hiding stuff.

[Nancy Martin]

I am a firm believer in the benign neglect school of parenting. Your kids are hard-wired to do what they're going to do from the age of two when they start yelling, "NO! No! No, no, no, no! NOOOO!"

And, really, what happened to Anna at the ski resort? Did she find a way to get into trouble for an hour? I doubt it. She was probably sitting somewhere rolling her eyes about her crazy mother. Which is also a viable parenting technique---letting your kids take charge of their own lives as early as possible because they fear how nuts you can be.

Excellent blog, Sarah. When's this deadline, exactly???

[Harley]

Sarah, I am just HOPPING MAD about the grocery store mom -- by whose standards is she a good mother, gossiping about someone else's kid (to the kid's mom!), asking if the rumors are true, implicitly criticizing kid/kid's mom because of some f***ing pointsettias?

Ooops, sorry. I'm having a Godzilla moment of my own. But if I were a baby-to-be, sitting up in heaven picking parents, I'd be coming to your house, and not to Madame Poinstettia's.

[Maryann Mercer]

Wow! I was considered a 'bad' parent because I didn't drive until Catherine was in her 'teens and I learned how so I could
a)stop depending on the bus but more importantly
b) be the parent in the car while Catherine learned how to drive-because I knew Chuck did not have the patience to teach her...I learned from a professional.
Anyway, I used to feel guilty about not being more involved in school and sport activities until I realized it bothered me more than it bothered Cath. Her friends' parents were more than happy to get her places with their own kids and all she asked was that I show up for band concerts and field trips :o) I was never on a deadline, but if someone had berated me for my daughter's NOT selling fund-raiser stuff or insinuated she had no talent for a sport...or the clarinet for that matter, that person would have been swinging from the nearest whatever.
What's right for one parent doesn't necessarily work with another, and each kid is different, something adults forget. Did I remind her about dangers? Yep. Did I worry when she was away from home? Oh yeah...I worry about her now :o) And she told me once I was the 'best' parent so I guess I did something right. Sarah, your daughter is blessed to have you, deadline and all!
Oh...and while I agree parents need to know what their kids are doing, driving their peers to despair is not permissible. Or sane.

[michele]

From what I see, the parents who have no sense of boundaries in their kids' lives usually have a screw loose in their own. The Myspace mom who drove her daughter's ex-friend to suicide --I'd be willing to bet she's a vindictive liar in other aspects of her life. The parents who yell and scream to make sure junior gets what he deserves are generally jerks in other aspects of their lives too. There are just so many of them these days that I worry I put my kids at a disadvantage by *not* continually calling the teachers.

That said, honorable people will disagree about where the lines should be drawn. I have trouble letting go when it comes to safety. My kids would probably be better off if I let them get more places on their own and take more risks. I do what I can, but it's hard to say, sure, ride your bike over to so-and-so's house and call me when you get there. I'm too aware of the traffic, the strangers, the latest missing kid on the six-o-clock news.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Sarah,

We of the Benign Neglect Parenting Club aren't the bad parents. The Overbearing, Know-It-All, Gossipy Moms Club members are.

From the day my daughter hit high school, the only thing I 'demanded' of her was to take a typing...oh, sorry, keyboarding...class. She tried to argue with me, but I told her if she went to college she needed to know how to type. She plotted her educational course by herself after that (and yes, she did thank me for making her take typing). Because she missed taking the Algebra class at her Lutheran school by 2 points, her counselor at her public high school tried to get her to take a non credit pre-Algebra class. She refused and got an A. So I let her do what she needed to from then on. She competed in Forensics in high school, got scholarships for grades & Forensics, graduated with honors from high school & college and is now a Grad Assistant (while getting her Masters) teaching Public Speaking at Kansas State U. I would like to take credit for what she has accomplished, but I can't. She did everything herself. She worked her butt off during the summer to have money so she didn't have to work during undergrad (60-70 hrs/week in a hot dirty warehouse for $9/hr). We didn't have to nag her or make her do anything. And even though we still support her, we really can't tell her what to do now...she has earned our benign neglect!

Oh, while growing up, the neighborhood moms always thought I was the bad parent. My daughter pulled some stunts that I will have to tell you about someday. And the overbearing moms always blamed her when their kids got in trouble. But their daughters have: 1 girl has 2 DUIs and lost her license for 6 months and now has the breathing device on her car for 1 year. Another girl has been busted for pot (both misdemeanors, sorry spelling) 2 times. The next time she will be in jail and her parents are horrified that the legal system would put their baby in jail.

I don't think mine turned out so bad.

[michele]

PS -- great blog, Sarah. And hang in there, you're in the home stretch.

[Joyce Tremel]

Everyone posting here sounds like they're great parents. Add me to the benign neglect club. How else are kids going to learn to get along on their own?

[Judy Larsen]

Oh yeah, these "helicopter" parents are nuts. When i was teaching, I had parents who wanted me to mail them copies of all my assignments/handouts/syllabi. And this was high school. Unless the situation was very special, I refused. I always told them to please ask their child to see it. This infuriated a few of them.

Let your kids be kids--which usually involves screwing up at times and then figuring it out.

One time, years ago, I'd been coerced into being in charge of The Fun Fair at my sons' elementary school (even though I was teaching full-time and going to school for my Masters. Oh, and I was a single parent.) One day, a mom called me at work to complain that I hadn't yet determined a theme for the fair. I gritted my teeth and told her the them was "Fun". After that no one ever asked me to be in charge.

[SarahS]

I'm bad when it comes to the safety issue, too, Michele. Never have I let them ride their bikes. Never. (Though a lot of that has to do with where we live - logging trucks, no berm, no sidewalks, hills, etc...)

Congrats Pam on the great daughter!

And the Fun Fair is a classic. Yes, who are these mothers who start their days by planning the school fair themes...?

[Harley]

I have no memory of any school fairs, growing up, themed or unthemed. This probably accounts for the gnawing feeling I have, quite often, that I didn't get the handbook for What Parents Are Supposed To Do/Be. I had an underprivileged childhood.

[Mary P. Walker]

When I grew up, everybody was a bad parent, but we never knew it because when my mom was bad, the other moms helped her out and visa versa. No mother would dare rat out another mother. Why didn't the parents of one of Sarah's daughter's friends just take her to Sarah? That's what would have happened when I was a kid.
I got a taste of how the world had changed when my daughter was about seven. I was sick, but I had promised her I'd let her ride her bike to her last soccer practice as long as I could follow along in the minivan (it was a mile from the house). Sick as I was, I kept my promise. The plan was for me to come in the van and follow her home when practice was over. I came home and fell asleep. Two hours later I woke up, it was pitch dark and my daughter wasn't home. I grabbed my four year old son (who I was also neglecting, but his major activity was to play with legos 24/7) and drove to the the practice field. I found my daughter in tears, all alone in the the dark.
Yes, I was a totally bad parent for falling asleep, but I was also an angry parent that no other mom or dad picked up my slack and called me on their cell phones. They just left without making sure my daughter was going to make it home. We had been on that same team for two years. These were not strangers (but even if they were, that's still no excuse).
I pretty much wrote off the all the parents on that team and the coaches. This is an extreme example I know, but I do miss the "village."

[Tom]

"I had an underprivileged childhood."

Yeah, happens to some of us. Happily, we seem to make up for it with an abundance of imagination. Not kidding about this in the least. 'Resourcefulness' is a muscle, and it's best to start growing it at a young age.

Sarah - bad parent? Pfui! Have an orchid and a beer. Have you *seen* this latest dictionary from Random House? Scandalous!

Michele, you saw horrible things as an ADA. I'm sorry, and always will be. Thank you for fighting the forces of darkness.

[Mary Storyteller]

Godzilla in a Julie Andrews costume
I LOVE that image!!!
One of our high school counselors regularly counseled parents on teens' need to separate from parents and how natural it was, a part of becoming adults. Parents still need to be involved and aware and (sometimes the hardest part) loving, but there has to be space. They need to make decisions and even mistakes while they still have a supportive "safety net" in place . . . and they need to face the consequences. It does sound as if y'all (I've been declared an honorary Texan) have the balance correct.
And yes, shame on the other parents who lack the heart, or sense, to look out for each other's children (seems to me that even animals, chimpanzees and elephants and whales that I've heard of, do that much). Maybe Godzilla/Judy and a Martial Tart should pay a visit . ..
My "NCLB Murder" didn't win the St. Louis Writers' contest. I guess I'll try Ellery Queen next.

[Mary Storyteller]

The prosecuter in the MySpace case in St. Louis has declined to press charges, saying there isn't enough evidence. The court of public opinion has not been so reluctant, however. The reporter for the St. Charles Journal, who originally broke the story, did not name the perpetrators, to protect that teenage daughter. The name is out now, and I think I read that she has not been at school since.

[Tonya]

I am 38 years old, not a mother, but I have definitely noticed the helicopter parent phenomenon, as well as the obsession with child safety these days.

When I was in elementary school, I walked to and from school, by myself, a distance of half a mile. This was considered normal. When I had to take the bus to high school, I walked a quarter mile to the stop and waited with a bunch of other kids, no parents. In my neighborhood today, kids don't go to a bus stop. Instead, the school bus stops in front of each kid's house. ("No wonder kids today are fat," we mutter as we inch along behind the school bus. "They're not even allowed to walk half a block.")

I have younger friends (early 20s) who talk to their parents on the phone every day, sometimes several times a day. They consider this normal. When I was that age, it was normal to talk to one's parents about once or twice a month. I recall my father being annoyed when I called home too often (once a week) during my freshman year. I was homesick; he said I needed to grow up and start being independent.

A few weeks ago I accidentally wandered into a toy store that had formerly been an antique store. I browsed the stock briefly, and every time I showed interest in an item, the saleswoman talked about its safety rating. Not whether it was fun, or educational, or would hold up to wear and tear, but that it was guaranteed, certified, safe.

Obviously there's been a shift in parenting culture sometime in the past twenty years. I'm curious to know what caused it. Anyone have a short answer?

[michele]

Lots of child rapes, kidnappings and murders that got lots of news coverage.

[gaylin]

I remember walking 2 miles each way to highschool, happily, because if my mom drove us in the morning - she would be in her nightgown and housecoat. NO WAY. Talk about bad parenting! Ha. All 4 of her kids turned out just fine, even if we did go bike riding on our own, went to the river without supervision - because it was the older kids responsibility to watch out for the younger ones . . .
What has happened to teaching kids responsibility for themselves and others?

[Pam aka SisterZip]

As I try to remind people, even though they may not be a big fan of Hillary, it does take a village. I caught my daughter lying to me when she was 15, she was grounded, of course. What really ticked me off, though, was my neighbor knew what our rules were and knew what my daughter was doing and didn't do anything to stop it. Her lame excuse was she wanted the kids to have a place they could go without fear of reprisal...they could feel safe and get advise without worrying about the punishment. Bullshit! So 3 years later when their daughter had her boyfriend spend the weekend (when mom & dad & sis were out of town), she couldn't understand why we didn't see anything.