Joseph's Christmas Ups

By Me, Margie, who thinks Joseph deserves them. Seriously.

Last time, I told the Hanukkah story. I was going to tell the Christmas story, but everyone knows that one, and if you don't, all you have to do is listen to Linus Van Pelt: Peanuts Christmas

Instead, I am going to tell the story of Joseph, Mary's husband, who really does not get enough props. And he deserves 'em. Totally.

Can you imagine - here's a teenager, training to be a carpenter, and his girlfriend shows up one day and says 'Hey, uh, Giuseppe (yeah, I know, but it's my story) I'm uh, having a baby.' And Joseph, who has been, you know, respecting her wishes to wait until they are married to do it, says: 'Yeah. Good one, honey. Hand me that lathe, will ya?'

But then she convinces him that not only is she pregnant, but she's still a virgin. You know how many teenage girls have tried that? Millions. Nobody believed them either. And let's remember that Joseph didn't get any visits from angels or anything telling him how this was all supposed to come down. Because a message from an angel? Okay, I'd believe that, because angels are the total 'Holy shit!' experience, y'know?

So Joseph, God bless the guy, takes it all on faith. Even though she's having a baby that's not his, they get married, probably right away so it's not so totally obvious, y'know, that she's got - I mean, with child. And he settles in to his carpentry and she does whatever, and goes to visit her cousins and stuff, where they probably had a baby shower, except instead of little monogrammed bibs, they got a goat. Or in this case, probably a donkey.

Then she gets back and they find out that the whackjob dictator has decreed (which means he made them do it even though it was dumb as hell) that everybody had to go to their father's city - and I'll tell you, if some nutball told me to go to some other place just so I could pay taxes, I'd tell them where to stick it, but that's me and I didn't live back then, thank heaven, because they didn't have indoor plumbing, which is totally gross.

So they go on this long trip, and Mary is totally uncomfortale - because can you imagine being that pregnant AND having to ride on a donkey? We're talking major pain in the ass. heh. And then they finally get there and no room at the inn and so forth, and they end up in a barn. (P.S. Next time someone says: "Whatsa matter wit' you? Were ya born in a barn?" Consider your company. Just saying.)

So here's Joseph, having to help deliver a baby with no female relatives around. And you know, birthing babies is a big mess, which I'm sure he wasn't ready for either, because I'm sure his Mom didn't let him anywhere near his sisters when they had kids - women in olden times knew that if the men knew too much about labor and delivery, they'd run screaming into the night and the species would die out. I'm not making that part up, either. Everyone knows that. Duh.

Plus he had to have been really upset too because I know he was planning to make a kickass crib, but they had to use a trough or something.

And just when he gets everything cleaned up - as much as you can in a freaking stable - all these people start to show up. Shepherds and kids with percussion instruments, which are nice except when you just got the baby to sleep, which is why my brother Joe always gets the drum set for the oldest kid after the second one is born.

Then these wise guys (and they look nothing like Pacino, DeNiro, or even Paulie Walnuts) show up and deliver gifts - but not the good kind, like food or wood to build a house, or morphine or something, or even a camel, so it's easier to travel. No - they bring stuff that is shiny and smells good. Great. Plus, they say 'Uh, we hate to break it to you, seeing how you just had the baby and all, but some psycho is going to try to kill you, so you want to get the hell out of dodge.' Super.

And then they're off again, back into the desert. Do you know what kind of havoc the desert wreaks on a decent set of carpentry tools? Nightmare. By this point, Joseph, no matter how swell of a guy he is, has got to be wondering how in blazes he got into this mess. But does he bail? No way. He sticks, and he gets them out safely, and everything.

And that is why I think Joseph deserves the proper respect. Which he totally did not get. Until now. Capisce?

The end.

And Merry Christmas.

Comments

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Rock on, Margie.
In my youth, at St Raphael's Catholic School, we named all our babies Mary and Joseph. I now wonder how they survived on our paltry donations of maybe $10.00 or more. And how did they know who was who when they were all named Mary and Joseph?

[ramona]

Finally. Joseph gets some props. They just don't make guys like Joseph anymore. Seriously, how many of you men out there would believe that immaculate conception story? Good job, Margie.

Here is something funny to go along with it. It's long, so kill me if you want to, Mr. Typepad. It's not like we were friends anyway.

What might have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men? They would have...

1) asked directions,
2) arrived on time,
3) helped deliver the baby,
4) cleaned the stable,
5) made a casserole,
6) and brought practical gifts.

BUT what would they have said when they left...?

1) "Did you see the sandals Mary was wearing with that gown?"
2) "That baby doesn't look anything like Joseph!"
3) "Virgin, my arse! I knew her in school!"
4) "Can you believe that they let all of those animals in the house?"
5) "I heard that Joseph isn't even working right now!"
6) "And that donkey that they are riding has seen better days too!"
7) "Want to bet on how long it will take until you get your casserole dish back?"

[Joyce Tremel]

Great explanation, Margie. Joseph rocks!

[Kris]

Actually, according to the gospel of Mark, Joseph did receive two angelic visits, both in dreams. In the first (Mark 1:20), when he was considering quietly divorcing Mary, an angel assured him that she was telling the truth and that he should marry her.

The second dream visit (Mark 2:13) took place after the Magi had left, and was a warning to take Mary & the child and flee to Egypt, because Herod was after the baby.

And yeah, Joe followed through both times. Pretty good guy, I'd say. Mary found herself a keeper :-). And Margie, honey, NOBODY tells a story like you.

[janetlynn13]

Awesome, Margie!

Merry Christmas

[Me, Margie]

Mary Alice - there are so many Marys and Josephs in our family, we just give them all nicknames. Seriously.

Ramona - that is so true - did they, like find that stuff on some kind of Nativity Rosetta Stone or something? hah

Thanks Joyce and Kris. And Kris - thanks for the references - you know I'm RC, so we don't read the bible. We just listen in Church. So it's good to have some biblical references in case I get in an argument with someone.

Hey - I dream about angels too. But they don't do much talking.

[Laura (in PA)]

I wish the nuns had told the stories like this when I was in Catholic school. I would remember a lot more of my bible. :) I always had a soft spot for Joseph - poor man ended up with the ultimate family issues.

Great job, Margie. We need "Margie's Book of Religious and Cultural Holidays."

[Me, Margie]

Oh yeah - everybody see how early I'm at the office? Someone jacked up the copier again - look Tarts - you HAVE to take the staples out FIRST. duh.

Anyway, the copy repair guy is making a special trip in to help me fix it. So if I don't answer the phone or something, it's only because I'm, you know, unjamming or whatever.

[Me, Margie]

Oops - I missed Janet and Laura - you must've popped in when I was on the phone with the copy guy.

Thanks - and you're right about the book, Laura - I really have a lot of important information to share, don't you think?

[Nancy Martin]

Blankets. That's what the guests should have brought. And maybe some tarps. Certainly allergy pills. (Have you spent much time in barns?) And a thermos of hot chocolate. Those would be on my list.

[Maryann Mercer]

Talk about a keeper! (Both the story and the guy) Angels or no angels, Joseph could have said "No way, Jose (or Hosea)! All I ever wanted was a quiet life in a little village and a son to take up the family business. Why me?" The man just doesn't get enough credit. This story needed to be told.
And Ramona, you're right...not to mention that they'd have erected a tent and organized visiting hours so Mary and Joseph could get some rest and a hot drink.(I'm thinking hot chocolate here but mulled wine would work, for purely medicinal purposes of course)while looking over travel brochures for Egypt's Nile Shores. And those shepherds would have had to wash up too. :o)

[ArkansasCyndi]

Nice job, Margie. I agree. Joseph is so underrated.

But, "you must've popped in when I was on the phone with the copy guy", Do you believe that anyone here believes you were "on the phone with the copier guy" versus "on the copier with the copy guy? LOL

Ramona - Very cute (and so accurate!)

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I agree. Margie, you need to write a book. Or maybe two...I don't know that religious stories would work with the other stories you would tell!

You have to love working for a school. Today is my last day at work until Jan 2...YAHOOOOOO!!!!!! Won't get in to visit until LATE, but will enjoy every minute of my time with my daughter.

Everyone have a wonderful holiday and try to not kill all of your brain cells on New Year's Eve. I know I can't spare the few active ones I have.

[Harley]

Margie, could you help me explain the Santa thing to my children? Because they're starting to ask heavy questions and I'm breaking out in a sweat, trying hard not to lie. Somehow, I feel you have the answers.

[j renee stuart]

Excellent blog, Margie, and beautifully told. Ya' know... you'd make a great rabbi. For more 'enlightenment' I suggest "Lamb - The Gospel According To Jesus's Best Friend, Biff" by Christopher Moore. It's very funny, and I'm pretty sure you won't go to Hell for laughing. And - speaking of laughing...
Ramona, you always come up with the best lists. I'm adding this one to your list of Christmas carols.

[Mary Storyteller]

I loved _Lamb_! and we agreed that if God didn't want us to laugh, He wouldn't have made the platypus . . And Joseph is indeed the ultimate mensch!
Harley, one year when my nephew had been told "no Santa" by the bigger kids but wasn't really ready to let go of the magic, I happened to catch the local (St. Louis) news on TV Christmas Eve, interviewing folks getting off a Minneapolis flight, who all claimed to have seen a flying sleigh with a red-suited driver coming our way. "Yes! Minnesota is North, by the North Pole," (ok, not exactly, but all that stuff looks close on a globe), "Santa Claus IS REAL!!!"
At a slightly older age, he was ready for the "Yes, Virginia -- he's the spirit of Christmas alive in your heart," but right then he wanted REAL!

[William Simon]

That's easy, Harley. Just explain that Santa is all around us; sometimes, you have to look, but he's there.

And ..... (sliding glasses up, pinching bridge of nose, sighing) Margie...... Only you could explain such an event in such a way....

[Pam aka SisterZip]

http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/physics.asp

Interesting tidbit on the physics of Santa.

[Rita Scott]

Great story Margie.
Now, when you dream about angels, you do mean John Travolta as Michael, right? I can't imagine other angels getting close to your bed! LOL
Poor William, are you getting Friday 'memory headaches'? Have a martini dear, it will get better with time!

[Tom]

You, Margie - I look forward to your explanations of the peregrinations of the Roman slave Patriculus, and how he became Patrick in Ireland and dealt with all those snakes and miracles and beer.

Harley, if you mention that Santa's a shape-shifter, and not always a 'right merry old elf,' would that work?

[Harley]

Yes, Santa as Shape Shifter is just the sort of explanation that would sit right with a child living in Topanga, the rural part of La-La, Land of Fruits & Nuts. Thank you.

I have a sister Mary and a brother Joe, naturally. Every one of my father (also named Joe)'s many siblings produced a Mary and a Joseph. What I want to know is how come only the Latino Catholics name their kids Jesus? What about the Irish, Italians, French, and in our case, Slovak Catholics?

[ZaZa]

This is why characters named Joe always seem to be so staunch and dependable. Or is that just me? /;+) Go, Margie. One of these days, you've got to publish "The History of Da World According to Margie." I'd buy it.

[Tom]

ZaZa, I must ask - are you, by chance, the famous ZaZa Lipsoidic of The Chicago Reader?

If so, Margie may have another cousin to discover.

[Buzz]

Hi Margie,

Merry Christmas.

Your version of the Joseph slice of life is a lot more entertaining than the "real" one I have heard.

According to the telling, J was no a vo-tech student. He was an experienced carpenter from Bethlehem who was working in Nazareth, maybe during a local building boom (a tomb, temple or sacrificial altar, i'm guessing).

He was, it is writ, a 90 year-old widow of Salome and father of six, including four boys, one of whom, you may recall, was unfortunately named "James the Lesser". Christ's "Brother from Another Mother").

Jos. responded to an ad put out by the local priests who were looking for a (male) member of the tribe of Juda to became engaged to Mary, who was around 12 years old at the time. (Why they did so, I don't know...maybe someone out there does). In any event, this was, of course, before "To Catch a Predator". Life for women was short and brutal and childbirth quite dangerous, so the begatting began early.

When Mary disclosed to him that she was pregnant, however, J had a clear cause of action against a number of possible defendants. This was supposed to be a deal for a virgin marriage. As he had begun considering his legal options, an angel visited him in his dreams and "commanded" him to go through with the marriage because the "Holy Ghost" had, uh, visited Mary. Presumably without a lot of options, J. agreed not to terminate the troth and went ahead with the marriage. (For some reason, this story always reminds me of the Oscar Levant line, that he "knew Doris day before she was a virgin").

It's further reported that, after the badly planned and timed Bethlehem birth and census trip, Jos' toughest child-rearing moments were when he had to search for Jesus when the boy wandered off from a wedding. No wonder. You don't just wander off to preach 'n teach at a desert wedding, and Joseph would have been 102 years old at that time, tromping around some middle east camel hole in sandals (years before Celebrex).

That's the Jos. story I heard (Matthew mostly). Whether Margie's rendition is equally credible, I don't know. Thanks Margie for prompting my memories and this discussion. My hat's off to new fathers and teenage mothers everywhere. (I'm looking at you Jamie Lynn Spears).

Peace.

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

Margie, no one keeps the spirit of Christmas alive like you do! Thanks, hon, for the enlightening perspective.