I’m Not a Mother

By Elaine Viets

So there I was in the condo elevator with a pet caddy. Inside it, my cat howled like he was being skinned alive. Harry, my striped writing partner with the big ears, did not want to see the doctor.

The elevator stopped at another floor and a man got on somewhat warily.

"Unhappy cat?" he guessed correctly.

"I’m taking Harry to the vet," I said.

"You’re a good mom," he said.

"I am NOT the mother of an alley cat," I growled.

I’m sure the guy decided I was a different species altogether – definitely a bitch.

The hair goes up on the back of my neck when people call pet owners "Mom" and "Dad." To me, that title goes to a person who changes diapers, tucks the child into bed, sits up with a little one who has an earache, and bakes twenty-six cupcakes for a class party.

As the owner (or human companion) of a cat, all I do is put a dish of dry food on the floor and fill a water bowl. Occasionally, I take the cat to the vet. But I don’t deserve the title of Mom.

There’s something sad about humans co-opting "Mom" and "Dad" because they have pets. I used to feel sorry for the rich women in the posh Boca mall who wore designer suits and wheeled healthy little dogs in expensive strollers. Those dogs needed to run and play. The women needed someone to love.

I get queasy when I hear otherwise sane humans buying sixty dollar sweaters for their dogs. One man told me he couldn’t decide if his Boston terrier should have a winter coat with pink rosebuds on it or a more conventional red wool. I didn’t have the heart to tell him the ugly little animal would look ridiculous in pink roses.

Sadly, there are children shivering in the cold who need warm clothes more than that dog.

As for the friend who said his kid ran out the front door and hid under the car, I was ready to call a shrink, until I figured out Bob was talking about his cat.

Yes, I get the joke when friends talk about their "grand cats." I know that a photo of a tabby over the fireplace is a way to keep overanxious moms from pressuring their married daughters into having children before they are ready for them.

Don’t get me wrong. I like my cats. They are endlessly entertaining. Harry sleeps by my computer when I write. When I get up in the morning, Harry tries to steer me to my office to go to work, which is how he earned the title of writing partner.

But I would never confuse my cat with a real child. I don’t have the patience for long-term parenting. Or the guts. Child rearing is a permanent job. Taking care of a cat is not. I know in my heart of hearts that I could take that cat to the Humane Society if things went wrong. I wouldn’t. But I feel better knowing the option is available. Children are forever.

If you feel the pressing need to give a three-hundred-dollar birthday party for your Yorkie (it happens here in Florida) do yourself and your dog a favor. Buy the pooch a sirloin and send the rest of the money to a children’s home. I’d like to suggest St. Vincent Home for Children, 7401 Florissant Road, St. Louis, Missouri, 63121. They do good work.

And one more thing. Don’t call me Mom because I have a cat. Or maybe you can. After all, a female cat is a queen.

That makes me the queen mother. Excuse me while I practice my wave.

Comments

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Thanks, Elaine, for saying it so well. Since 1970 I've had one daughter, twin stepsons and 5 cats. No contest who was more time consuming or rewarding. The kids, by a long shot.

By the way, one of the tart moms is in a movie showing on HBO----All I Want for Christmas, starring Harley Jane Kozak and Lauren Bacall's her mom.

Good morning all.

[Harley]

Elaine, I love my dogs (and my cats, before the coyotes ate them) but I think of myself as their "person" . . . I'm not sure what the PC term is, but I know there is one.

Okay, I have to confess: I adopted Jinn, my firstborn, from an organization called A New Leash On Life, which rescued dogs from Death Row at various shelters. I was 3 months pregnant at the time, and Jinn WAS like my baby. Then I had the baby and Jinn became my dog.

Now my baby is 7 and rolls her eyes when I get too affectionate. Jinn does not. She's once again my baby. But I don't put clothes on her or throw parties for her. Yet.

[Harley]

Mary Alice, shouldn't you be in bed and not watching "B" movies?

[ArkansasCyndi]

Morning all. Gosh, we have a group of insomniacs on this blog.

I have no children. I have two dogs. The option of taking them to the Humane Shelter or the pound "if I needed to" simply does not exist in my mind. No, I don't dress them in clothes, or roll them in a stroller. But if I wanted to, so what?

When I was in Florida last winter, I went to a dog birthday party. Now, it was at a dog park and there must have been over 50 dogs there. The dogs could not have cared less about the activities. The owners had a ball.

Last year, I gave my parents (specifically my dad) a Carin Terrier. Without a doubt, having that dog to mess with (including buying sweaters in the appropriate college mascot motif) has brought my dad not only a new lease on life, but I actually believe he would have wasted away without Huck (the dog). He gives dad (and mom to some degree) exercise and reasons to laugh. He is my dad's baby. And yes, my parents love their children and grandchildren more than Huck, but it'd probably be a close race!

But I'll agree with you on one thing..you can't be a cat's mom...a cat's servant maybe, but never a cat will never consider you his/her equal.

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Because I have allergies, I've never had a pet and never will.

There is no doubt that they make great companions, especially for people who live alone, or are getting older and miss a full nest. And most times they really are part of the family.

Harley - that is totally an A movie - i mean, it's no Necessary Roughness (that's my favorite, even thought you have better lines in Parenthood) but it's great.

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Harley, I loved the movie...it was very sweet and good holiday fare. And you where the #1 star! I crave these movies this time of year b/c we are dealing with so many shoppers who have no clue.
Richard holds the store record for this season...so far. A customer came in asking for the Caroline Kennedy book. Richard handed it to her and she and the husband looked through the book at the coffee bar. She then handed it back and said she thought it should be more about the Kennedys and it didn’t look right for her aunt who is blind and has dementia! Good luck finding that perfect book.
‘tis the season……………………………………………………………………….mary alice

[Josh]

When we got Violet three years ago, she was nominally for my daughter, so that would make muy daughter "Mommy," and my wife "Grandma." That got nipped in the bud quickly enough with a curt "Don't call me Grandma." The way these things work, Violet has been adopted by her grandparents, and her former Mommy is now her sister, sort of. Violet is a mutt, mostly cocker spaniel, rescued from the pound in Pensacola.

I saw part of that movie, and being from a broken family, was really uncomfortable with the direction the plot was going. That probably was my fantasy when I was five or six, but by the time I was eight, that ship had sailed. Give me "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" anyday.

[Joyce Tremel]

A woman I work with calls her dogs her "kids." She'll say thing like, "I had the kids to the groomers" or "I played with the kids in the yard." One day after she left the squad room, one of the guys said to me, "They're not kids, they're f***ing dogs!" I just laughed.

Elaine, my real kids call me "The Queen." Last Christmas they bought me a purple sweatshirt that reads, "The Queen Is Not Amused."

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

We never referred to our cats as our children; we were their "human companions" (slaves would be more like it . . .). Interestingly, in the horsey world around here, it seems to be standard practice to refer to horse owners as "Moms" and "Dads". This bothers me not in the least. It does afford me great amusement to tease my human daughter (who's 25, just to keep this in perspective) about her "sister." She dishes it right back with exaggerated stories about how my horse is treated better than she was as a child.

We won't discuss the amount of time I spend making sure my horse's halters match her blankets . . .

[Nancy Martin]

I fully support your intention to become the queen mum, Elaine. I aspire to such designation myself!

Message to Ramona: All my emails are being returned. Have you shut off your computer because Blond Bond has shown up? Or are you watching Harley on HBO? (Someday, maybe she'll tell us about being in bed with Scott Bakula.)

[Harley]

Josh, the story of that movie is that the original script was beautiful, but unfortunately, based on a book that the screenwriter didn't have the rights to. By the time Paramount (and the cast) realized it, it was well into production. So the script was rewritten around the sets that had already been built. With mixed results, I always felt. I never quite recovered from the movie in my head, the one I had signed up for.

Once the movie came out, there were howls of anguish from Divorced Dads who'd taken their kids to the movie on their weekends with them, and . . . my own kids, needless to say, will not be watching this movie for some years.

[Elaine Viets]

Kerry, I like the idea of all those horse-owning "moms" and "dads." Many people I know are only parents to one end of a horse, and it's not the end that eats.

[jodil]

Just to set the record straight...cats have staff. Dogs have owners.

[Josh]

Harley, I just have to say one thing that addresses your whole 8:30 post: Damn lawyers.

[Mary Storyteller]

In _The Fur Person_ (I think that's right), the cat is searching for a permanent home, one with good "housekeepers." My neighbors' two cats, Hank (orange) and Willie (black) (get the country music ref?) like to play on the balconies, jumping from theirs to mine and chasing around. The first time, my neighbor was upset and worried that I would mind, but since my allergies keep me from having pets, watching them is the next best thing. I'm thinking I'll plant catnip out there in the summer.

[Elaine Viets]

Mary, we had a cat that liked to walk on the balcony rail, three stories above the ground. She was always running out for her favorite risky pasttime. One day we heard a group screaming, "Jump! Jump!"
It was a bunch of tourists urging the cat to take the plunge. I rescued her, and she lived to old age in one piece.

[J.D. Rhoades]

Well said, Elaine. It kind of sets my teeth on edge when people refer to their pets as "their children."

[Mary Storyteller]

This deck is only on the second floor, so I think the cats are safe (though I haven't seen them out there since it turned cold). My neighbor says they approach the door, feel the cold air, and back away. Sam the Siamese, who used to live downstairs, would climb the supports to get to the decks -- good view of trees and squirrels -- and sometimes a blue jay would try to chase him away.
Right now I have such nice neighbors! I know I'll have to move if there are smokers in the closest condos, as the smoke will come through the walls. My current neighbors smoke only outside (bless them), and when I got home from Bethlehem, Indiana on Sunday, the cats' human came down and brought my suitcase upstairs. I'm even getting used to being called, "Ma'am."
BTW, some of my friends planned ahead and mailed their Christmas cards at the Bethlehem Post Office.

[Mary Storyteller]

I just remembered a story someone told me, supposedly true, of children dropping a kitten from a balcony, perhaps to see it land on its feet. A man on a lower balcony caught it and took it inside. The children went looking for their kitten, but he blandly said he hadn't seen their kitten, not a complete lie, because by then it was his kitten.

[Rita Scott]

I am the servant of 7 furballs from 23 yrs old to 5. They keep me on a schedule with their feeding times.
After being ice bound for a week, it was warm enough yesterday that I could drive to town to get cat food. I stocked up with 4 cases, 4 bags of dry and several jugs of litter (oh yeah, got bread, milk and eggs for me!)
Bob has perverted Missy by sticking his finger in her ear. She loves it! She's now referred to as his 'green-eyed girlfriend'!

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I "don't do" cats. I love them, but my daughter is extremely allergic so it has always been dogs for us. As said earlier, I don't do the other types of pets...yuck!

We are dogless for the first time in 25 years and I have to admit...gulp...it feels mighty good! Don't have to worry about letting them out, feeding them, picking up the poo in the yard (or bagging it to take it to the vet for a worm check), or grooming them. I do miss the companionship, though.

[ramona]

Message to Nancy: I get some email, not all. Maybe you have been blocked. I sent a test earlier today.

Sorry for the hijack, Elaine. I mean, Your Highness.

[Elaine Viets]

I will wave you on, Ramona.
Seven furballs, Rita? How do you find any time for yourself?

[Rita Scott]

LOL, they're helping me sew Bob's quilt!

[Harley]

Rita, if they are longhaired and shed a lot, they could BE Bob's quilt!