The Tarts are delighted to welcome guest blogger Jennifer Vido, on-line book guru extraordinaire.  Check out her monthly book review column, Jen's Jewels, which is carried on FreshFiction.com, JenniferVido.com, and on numerous library websites around the country.  As you'll see below, Jen is also an intrepid warrior in the great subsurban status battle, and she's here to report on what the desperate housewives get up to over the holidays in her tony Maryland suburb.

                                              

Holiday Cookies for the Ultra-Competitive (Meowww!!!!)

Living in suburbia, there are certain initiation rites that each housewife must pass through in order to be accepted by the in crowd.  I'm not talking about driving the right SUV (that would be the Range Rover, by the way) or even wearing the preppiest label (Lilly Pulitzer).  I'm talking about that ultimate party invite, the one every housewife covets . . . the holiday cookie exchange.

I know what you're thinking -- who cares?  When I moved to Maryland back in 1999, those were my thoughts exactly.  But all of that changed last year when I opened my mail and voila -- I WAS IN!  (If there's one thing you should know about me, it's that I'm a tad bit competitive.  Okay, extremely competitive.)

Since I was a newbie, I thought it would be in my best interests to call the friend who invited me and get the lowdown on how this process worked.  This is how our conversation went:

Jen:  I'd love to come to your cookie exchange.  What should I bring?

Friend: Ten dozen cookies.  That might sound like a lot, but remember, you get ten dozen to bring home to your family.

Jen: (Did I mention I can't bake?  My reaction was, That's a lot of slice and bakes!)  Uh, alright.  I'm in. 

Friend:  Just give me a call back so I can approve your selection.

Jen:  Would you mind elaborating on that?  I've never been to a cookie exchange before.

Friend:  We have rules, so that the same cookie is not repeated.

Jen:  Fantastic!  I'll save you another phone call.  I'll bring chocolate chip.

Friend: Oh, I'm sorry.  Chocolate chip cookies aren't permitted. 

Jen:  Huh, okay.  Well, how about some yummy bar cookies?

Friend (in an awkward tone): Um, Jen.  No chocolate chip cookies.  No bar cookies.  No-bake cookies are absolutely forbidden, and above all, nothing can come from a box.  Try Martha Stewart's cookbook.  She has lots of yummy ideas.

Martha Stewart?  Uh-oh, I was in trouble. 

Trying my best to save face, I politely said my goodbyes and hung up.  For the next three days, I searched the internet for the perfect cookie that would be simple to make yet look difficult.  On the fourth day, I got a phone call from a dear friend who knew of my dilemma.  She suggested the Holiday Corn Flake Wreaths (yes, the ones Rebecca the Bookseller blogged about not too long ago.)  They fit the festive bill and seemed easy.  I was in business.

For the average, normal person, these cookies would be a cinch.  For me (culinarily challenged), they turned out looking like, as my son said, "green poop."  Kids!  What do they know?  After making the required number of cookies, I put them on wax paper to set and tossed them into the refrig.  The next day, I was ready for action.  I put on my most spirited outfit, pulled out my cute cookie platter and went to get the cookies.  Whistling a festive holiday song, I began taking the cookies off the paper.  I pulled.  I yanked.  Sure enough, the cookies came off, but with wax paper stuck to the bottoms.  I vaguely recalled something about parchment paper in the recipe.  Parchment paper?, I'd thought, What's that?

With only thirty minutes left until the party, I was stuck, literally.  Not willing to be defeated, I brought my creations to the party with my head held high.  I smiled and played nicey-nice with the ladies, but I wasn't surprised when my cookies were the only ones left at the end of the night.  And as if you couldn't guess, I haven't received a return invitation for this holiday season.  Ouch.  Oh well, that's a whole bunch of extra calories that I can do without!

Happy Holidays!

Comments

[Nancy Martin]

Jen, you have the distinction of posting our 900th TLC blog! (If you've been a regular from the start, please don't count up the minutes you've wasted---er, spent reading TLC!

And, oh, I feel your pain! The agonies of a long-ago flunked participation in a cookie exchange has gradually turned me into a kickass cookie baker. I will never again be ashamed to take ten dozen of my finest to a neighborhood exchange----but now my full spectrum of cookies is better than anything I could get from a neighbor. (OKay, except I have never done any cookies that need to be filled with cream. But I've got lots of years ahead of me to practice!)

Thanks for being our guest!

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Welcome, Jen!

I love your website and thanks for a terrific blog - uh, but what in the heck is that picture up there that looks like a cross between a bat and an early CGI of Gollum? Yikes!

I love cookies and am so lucky that my friend Felicia is a professional baker - she always does my cookie trays and everyone enjoys them - especially me!

[Maryann Mercer]

Jen, you would be welcome at our cookie exchange anytime! I've got a recipe for chocolate snickerdoodles that not only looks great, but is easy to do, and the cookies are yummy!. Just don't wear white when you add the cocoa! Or how about borubon balls?
My philosphy is that cookies are to eat, not to look at, so there,Martha Stewart!
I'm headed home after 1/2 day here to have tea and cookies and read a mystery before I head off to church. Happy Christmas everyone!

[Harley]

Oh, my God, and here I was expecting a happy ending to the story, as it IS Christmas Eve. Horrors. Send me those wax paper cookies. I'll eat them.

[Elaine Viets]

I love chocolate chips, Jen. You can make them for me anytime.
And for the Tarts readers who aren't familiar with Jen's Website, you're missing something.
(In the interests of full disclosure, Jan has interviewed at least two Book Tarts.)

[michele]

But isn't the fact that Jen isn't going to the cookie exchange this year actually a happy ending? I'm all for the slice and blakes and more time spent in front of the fire enjoying the tree! Speaking of which, I'm off to the tree farm.

Thanks for an adorable guest blog, Jen, and Merry Christmas!

[Jennifer Vido]

Thanks for welcoming me to TLC, ladies! And yes, we plan on leaving Santa some slice and bake sugar cookies tonight! And I have a hunch, he'll just love them! Ha! Ha! Merry Christmas!!

[Mary Ruff]

Jen - FANTASTIC story!!!!! It was my laugh of the day. I'm not a great baker either.My daughter informed me - THIS MORNING - that Santa ONLY eats home-made Christmas sugar cookies. Apparently the Girl Scout cookies I had on the counter would NOT fit the bill. My sugar cookie angels are missing all sorts of parts, as I forgot to chill the dough, and in the process of lifting them onto the cookie sheets, they lost wings and skirts and all sorts of things. It's sort of like a Christmas nightmare, if you ask me! Oh well, I have a feeling Santa won't mind. Merry Christmas!

[Jennifer Vido]

Mary,

I am so glad you enjoyed it!! Go ahead and leave out the Girl Scout cookies! Nothing wrong with that!! Merry Christmas!!

[roberta isleib]

ha, ha, Jen I bet those neighborhood snobs make it into a half dozen novels in the next few years...and some of them might not make it out alive!

Merry Christmas anyway and thanks for making us laugh!

[Denise Holcomb]

Jen, Oreos are the most common cookie left for Santa!

I quit the cookie exchange I was in because I was helping the hostess, and when I got to the line to get cookies, there were none left! Those "church ladies" had hogged up all of the cookies. I don't think the hostess even got any. And, I live in the same town you do!

[Jennifer Vido]

Oreos! Why didn't I think of that?? Santa might like the oreos better than the sugar cookies! I know I would!!

[Judy Larsen]

Hey Jen-

How fun to check out TLC this morning and find you here! Loved the story--and I would have snarfed down those wreath/lumps just to show we're buds.

Have a great Christmas, and happy snacking!

[Mary Storyteller]

I once took a pie to a friend's Thanksgiving dinner (single dad, two sons). I used a purchased pie crust and didn't realize there was a piece of waxed paper on the crust (it just blended right in), until we tried to cut the yummy cream cheese pecan pie and it wouldn't cut. Guys are so cool, though, they just ate around that waxed paper, and the pie was pretty good. We would have enjoyed your waxed paper cookies just as well. If we added my youngest brother to the group, he would take care of any burned cookies, his personal favorite, and it made him very popular with the home ec. classes in high school. (BTW, home ec is now FACS - Family and Consumer Science).
The Post just ran a feature on the really good fruitcake my mom and I used to buy assumptionabbey.org (but they are sold out for Christmas, so I'll have Valentine's Day fruitcake).

[Kathy Cedrone]

Ha Ha Jen, I got suckered into this one year at my last job, and there was 15 girls, I baked and baked, kept Pillsbury and Domino sugar high up on the investment ends. I only did this once, never again, I could not stand the sight of another cookie for a long time. And trust me, I've screwed up many a receipe, and I refuse to do cut out cookies, they never work for me. I just enjoy my neighbors when she brings them over. This must be a Maryland thing to do as I have never heard of it until I moved here. And I love to bake and do it well, but when you have to make that many..eww never again.

[Mary Storyteller]

The only time we ever did a cookie exchange at school, we had everyone bring their cookies already packed in plastic bags, one dozen in each baggie, to make it quicker (teachers are so busy at the end of a semester) and probably a bit more sanitary. It was fun, but we never had time to do it again.

[Kristina Taylor]

No wonder we never get cookies for Christmas, huh? So what if you can't bake...lucky for you, I can!!! Call me if that ever happens again. With your competitive nature and my Type A issues- we are sure to win! I haven't had the pleasure of participating in a cookie exchange...sounds like fun.

Merry Christmas, Jen! Thanks for the laugh.

[mary alice at mystery lovers bookshop]

Merry Everything from a recovering cookie baker. Heck, I even used to do Stollens and homemade lollipops! Never missed a year with Mary Alice's Fabulous Bourbon Balls...................but hey..............life is short. This year my solution was almond bark and a One Night jigsaw puzzle!
Melt white chocolate chips in the microwave and mix with almonds. Spread on waxed paper, break and you have bark. The puzzle that was a big seller at Mystery Lovers and that I gave to friends is a 300 piece wonder with a collage of home-baked cookies...tricky, healthy and fun.
Maybe next year...............may you all have a happy and healthy season.

[Katie Forbes]

I love it, that was the funniest and truest thing I have ever read!!!! As a competitive cookie mom, we do have to take a step back and remember.... they are just cookies.
And I bet your holiday lumps tasted wonderful. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

[Annamarie]

Jen,
Just went to a cookie exchange and I brought four dozen different cookies. I didn't know that it was four dozen of the same cookie. Only one dozen was edible and I put so much work into the four. I feel your pain.

[Jennifer Vido]

Annamarie,
You crack me up! Next year, I need to host my own cookie exchange! I'll even let you bring slice and bakes, bar cookies, or even store-bought! Oh! My! What a scandal it would be!!