by Nancy

"Don We Now Our Gay Apparel," is a line some merrymakers take very seriously once Thanksgiving is over. Yes, if you haven't done it already, it's definitely time to bring out the Tacky Christmas Sweater.

You know the ones I mean--those pullovers, cardigans and over-sized sweatshirts that are appliqued with darling snowmen, or maybe a chubby-cheeked Santa or how about a prancing reindeer or two? If you're a real advocate of the Christmas Sweater, you have one depicting Rudolph with a nose that actually lights up thanks to a mini battery pack you can tuck into your bra.

Not that I've personally ever put on such a thing, of course, before going a-wassailing.  (Does that mean what I think it means?)

Here at the TLC watercooler, we've thought that the Tacky Christmas Sweater is a wardrobe staple of school teachers, elderly matrons who wear their Easy Spirits to hike the mall every morning, or those of us who favor the ankle-length denim jumper. (Admit it.  Unless your zip code is Manhattan or you're the TLC office manager---yes, Margie, I will agree to an upgrade in your job title---haven't you owned at least one denim jumper in your lifetime? I pitched mine a few years ago when I decided I really didn't want to look like I was hosting Romper Room, but I definitely had one.)

Turns out, however, you are totally out of touch fashionwise if you reject the festive sweater as being too tacky to pull over your holiday 'do. Yes, I'm here to tell you that the sequined, rhinestoned, cartoon-y garments that you've seen hanging on all the Macy's endcaps for weeks are actually the hottest sartorial trend going this year. Here's why:

The Tacky Christmas Sweater Party is the hottest ticket in town. Some waggish hosts and hostesses just want you to show up wearing your thrift shop finery to see who's the gaudiest. But other, more philanthropic party givers are actually throwing such parties to benefit good charitable causes. You show up in your blinking elf shirt and everybody votes--with cash dontations, of course--for the most humiliating fashion statement of all.

The way I figure it, you add a Santa hat and some jingle bell earrings, and you're a surefire finalist. And you can return your sweater to the Goodwill store for a tax deduction when the holidays are over. Everybody wins!

So the Tacky Christmas Sweater is not just for tiny tots with their eyes all aglow. I keep telling my husband that. But he---who is very rarely known around here as Mr. Scrooge--refuses to wear one. So my poor children are deprived of the Christmas card photo in which all family members sport identical snowman shirts. And really, shouldn't every family have such an heirloom?

In his defense, Jeff will wear a Christmas tie--those with the microchip that plays Dashing Through the Snow. Yes, I'm here to tell you that a staid banker can get a gleam of glee in his eye when he presses the little button behind his tietack. He's not immune to the tacky expression of holiday cheer.

But . . . truth?  Me, I'm a woman of stature, so I have made it a personal rule not to wear any item of clothing picturing little animals. (Hey, everybody needs some rules to live by, and this one's mine.) So I must admit--with a touch of shame-- that the Tacky Christmas Sweater is not a staple of my wardrobe. I have none.  Zero. Nada. But in my own defense, I'm a big fan of Christmas jewelry, especially earrings. Many of my jingle bells seem to have come unglued over the years, so I'm down to just a few pairs.  Just enough to allow me to wear a different pair every day between now and Christmas.

Don't have your sweater yet? Well, it's not too late. Head to the mall right now, and you're bound to have a nearly unlimited selection at vastly reduced prices. But if you're housebound, you can always check out QVC for the best quality Christmas gear.  They're created by Jeanne Bice, co-founder of the Quacker Factory, which reportedly brought down $58 million in sales of such holiday garb last year. (Her website gives the QVC schedule for Quacker fashions, just so you know.)

I may even scout the shoe departments this weekend to see if there are any of those cute little Christmas ballet flats at half price. I mean, a girl needs to look good as she pulls the Christmas roast out of the oven, right? And if I'm not mistaken, I have a collection of reindeer antlers to share with my holiday guests.

I hope you are similarly well-stocked!

Enjoy the holidays!

Comments

[William Simon]

Classic, Nancy....Classic...:) My personal favorite is a Christmas necktie with Santa on it, and a hidden switch that makes Santa's nose flash. A gift from a niece long long ago, when she thought it was Cool. Now, she's All Grown Up, married, with one son and another on the way, and I get yelled at every time I mention it. Or threaten to wear it. Which I did. For more than one Christmas.

When she was four, she loved me for wearing it. Now, she loves me for NOT wearing it. Who can understand the Female Mind????

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Nancy! You may have to renounce your Pittsburgh citizenship - not *one* tacky sweater? I'm blaming your daughters for this.

I have some fantastic ones from when my kids were younger - there is one with the entire population of the Hundred Acre Wood on it that has sequins *and* bells.

You get a pass this year, because of your kitchen, but as penance, you must host a tacky sweater party next year.

And William - please - if you can't figure that one out, you need to go directly to man jail - do not pass Go; do not collect $200. Geez.

[Liz]

I have the tacky Christmas ballet slippers! Santa, the sleigh and the reindeer including Rudolf. I've had them for about 20 years now and only wear them Dec 24 - Jan 1. And only wear them in the house so not too many people think I'm weird.

[Nancy Martin]

Liz, you're obviously no help for me finding some of those shoes if yours are 20 years old. I need precision shopping guidance, please. Where can I find those shoes without going to 6 different stores between my emergency trips to Home Depot and Lowe's?

Kathy, I knew you---a Pittsburgher--would come through on the tacky sweater ownership. Nobody does costumes like Pittsburghers. (What are you wearing for tonight's Stiller game??)

William, I am proud of you for wearing the tie. But jeez, you need some insight into the female mind. I could set you up for a meeting with Margie, if that would help.

[William Simon]

Um, thank you, Nancy, for your kind offer, but as you may recall, I've dealt with....I mean I've worked with Margie before. In the interests of safety (and sanity), it is probably best if Margie and I keep a long-distance contact going.

[Joyce Tremel]

I only have a somewhat-tacky sweater. It has red satin cardinals, holly and sequins. But to make up for it, I do have a large pin that says, "On Santa's naughty list, and proud of it."

[Me, Margie]

Hi! It's Me, Margie, the TLC Office Manager, or as most people refer to me, the O Manager.

Thanks for the new title, Tarts, even though I've been basically running things, like, since I walked in the joint.

I have holiday sweaters - they're clingy but not tacky. A few crystals and sequins go a long way. My favorite one has an open snowflake design, but it's more for wearing, uh, indoors, y'know?

William - you are so funny. I know you had a great time when we worked together. So stop pretending you hated it. Duh. Men can be so transparent.

I am posting tomorrow - it's my take on a special part of the Christmas story, and seriously, you are not going to want to miss it. Just Saying.

[Nancy Martin]

I am not "most people," Margie. Therefore I am vetoing your requisition slip for the desk sign reading "O Manager." Just saying.

William, pass the gin.

[Maryann Mercer]

One word, Nancy...quack quack! (Well that's two but who's counting?) My two holiday sweaters are both from Quacker Factory...one has a snowman that looks like a cat, complete with Santa hat and scarf. The other is a vest with mitten button covers and holly berries on it. I have a couple of Eeyore Christmas sweatshirts as well :o)And coat pins. All tasteful of course, since I am shy and retiring and don't like to call attention to myself.
We saw some great Christmas flats at Payless...none in my size of course, but thanks for the reminder about the antlers...and the Santa hat. I need to wear those this Saturday at the store :o) And Nancy, whatever you wear, I'm sure you'll look festive!

[Ruth]

Here's a fun site where you can design your own tacky holiday sweater--and even knit it if you want!

http://weloveholidaysweaters.wehatesheep.com/

[jodil]

No Christmas sweaters for me or even the cute shoes, BUT I do have the Christmas robe. It weighs a ton but it's tasteful? If I were to ever have Christmas morning company, I would be the belle of the ball. Those sweaters are big here in Big D. I'm the odd woman out here.

[ramona]

Here ya go. Mark Darcy in the infamous reindeer jumper.

http://manoloshoeblog.com/images/firth.jpg

My holiday gift to all.

[Darlene]

I feel left out. I don't have any tacky sweaters, robes, shoes or even reindeer antlers. I do have a red lace bra I got as a joke on my last birthday. My entire head fits in one cup. Margie, will it do?

[meryl]

Nancy,

There's a big sale at Filene's basement today and tomorrow. I don't know if they have Christmas shoes, but it might be worthing checking out. The DSW shoe warehouse is at the waterfront as well (and Marshalls).

Two years ago we gave my son a strap on Rudolph nose. It had a light inside that blinked on and off. Great Christmas fun.

[Nancy Martin]

Off to Filene's and Payless! Behave yourselves while I'm out. I have confidence that things will be calm here at TLC because as soon as I leave Margie will head for the salon.

More later.

[ArkansasCyndi]

Oh my! (insert my red face here) OF COURSE I have tacky Christmas sweaters...and vests and sweatshirts and earrings! No shoes, however. Must get to the store ASAP! LOL

Merry Christmas (Or Happy Holidays -which ever you prefer)

[Mary Storyteller]

Retired teacher here, so I have the wardrobe for Christmas and a few other holidays, but I no longer like to wear sweatshirts or other pullovers. . . too many temperature changes to want to wear something that goes over the head, messing up hair and glasses, so I'll be giving those away. (Still a red hot mama, but it comes in flashes). Denim Christmas shirts worn over t-shirts are much more comfortable and adjustable.
I even used to have the socks -- y'all didn't talk about holiday socks, but since they all had elastic (latex), I gave them away long ago. (sob!)

[Harley]

All right, now it can be told.

I have no sweaters. I have pins. Several. And a couple earrings. But mostly pins. Abstract snowmen, ceramic Santas, gold-plated reindeer. And, aimed properly, these can double as murder weapons.

[Shanna Swendson]

My "Christmas sweater" is a turtleneck with a subtle holly leaf print that I wear under a red v-neck to create a Christmas-like sweater when the occasion calls for one.

Once at a very solemn Advent church service during communion there was suddenly a very tinny rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" ringing out in the church. It turned out that a very distinguished businessman type was wearing one of those musical ties, and he'd leaned a little too heavily on the communion rail, setting it off.

[Susan]

This is the first year I've pondered the purchase of a deeply festive holiday sweater primarily because I'm working at a children's hospital and I've already been shown up by my colleague, a Catholic nun, who had a most awesome sweatshirt for Thanksgiving complete with pilgrims and pumpkin pie earrings. I was deeply shamed by my Protestant restraint; next to her, I looked like the uptight teacher in the Madeline stories. I was waiting for holiday apparel to go on sale, but after a quick trip out into retail hell this morning, I have realized there won't be discounts until after Christmas and by then, really, what's the point?

Luckily, I do have some red sweaters and more merry types of garb that I may be able to jazz up as Harley suggested. My son brings home his bag of completed crafts this afternoon and I'm praying that jewelry was on the mind of his art teacher this month. A nice Oriental Trading Company Santa pin is what I need right now.

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

For a number of years, my daughter and I made tacky Christmas sweatshirts for ourselves, my nieces, (self-)selected relatives, and a few special friends. We used the fabric-applique'-and-puff-paint technique. It was so much fun! I have one left, in bright red with lots of glitter paint, that I try to wear for the last day of classes, finals, and other such holiday events.

I only have one pair of Christmas earrings, but what I need are some Christmas socks. My husband has 1 pair of Santa Socks that he is required, by fiat, to wear on Christmas morning. I, however, seem to be completely lacking in that department. Must remedy! Maybe today, while I'm out buying yet more "who knew I needed it" stuff for our kitchen (which is likewise not done yet, but is mostly at least functional at this point).

Ho ho ho!

[j renee stuart]

Tacky Christmas sweaters are in ? Whodathunkit - after all these years, I'm finally in style. The brighter, the better. With matching earrings, of course.
I love it when my wardrobe makes people smile (or maybe they're just squinting because it hurts their eyes - hmmm)

[Rita Scott]

I picked up a oversized red sweatshirt with lots of little kittens in Christmas baskets all over it at a thriftshop. Self defense cause my brother keeps his thermostat set so low and I froze in pretty silk blouses!
Nancy- Johnny Brock's dungeon has elf shoes!

[Joyce Tremel]

I'm not sure who mentioned Wassail, but I finally found the video I've been looking for all morning. Check this out:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-i80hqMu0w

[Me, Margie]

Darlene, honey, a red lace bra should never be worn as a hat. It confuses the men. They have such basic nervous systems that you could really screw somebody up, and not in a good way.

Go treat yourself to one that fits!

Rita - sweetie, I thought we were going to leave the dungeon discussions for off the blog...?