What Do You Call Him?

By Elaine Viets

What do you call the man you’re going out with, if you are an adult?

I’m not talking about "honey," "baby," "sweetheart" or other terms of endearment. I mean what is his official title? Is he your lover? Your man? The person you’re seeing?

Those are either too personal, or not personal enough.

The question came up on a flight from St. Louis to Fort Lauderdale. I sat next to a woman lugging a bagful of tile samples and decorating magazines. She was slender, attractive, and somewhere south of forty.

She put the magazines in a briefcase and the heavy tiles in the bin over my head. I had visions of the plane hitting an air pocket and the tiles falling out and cracking my head like an eggshell.

I started babbling to pass the time. "Are you a decorator?" I asked.

"No," Tile Woman said. "I’m helping my boyfriend" – she made a face – "choose tiles for his new condo. I hate that word."

"Condo?"

"Boyfriend. It sounds so high school. I’m too old for a boyfriend. My friends say I should call him my special friend, but that sounds like we went to special school together. There’s no word for mature adults who are dating."

She was right. "My man" sounds like something in a torch song. And what happens when your romance is over? Do you say, "My man done left me"?

"My lover" is too much information.

"My friend" is too coy.

"My good friend" is worse. What do you call everyone else – your bad friends?

"My gentleman caller" is too old-fashioned, unless you’re into phone sex.

"My guy" sounds like a girl-band song.

"My date" is too impersonal. If you’ve been going together for a year, is he still a date, or someone with commitment problems?

"The man I’m seeing" makes it sound like you’re only seeing particular parts of the guy. (OK, I have a dirty mind. But when I worked at a newspaper, a dirty mind was a career asset.)

"The man I’m going with" makes me want to ask, "going where?" The answer is usually "nowhere."

There’s no polite way to describe adult dating.

College students, who are far smarter and more sensible than I was at twenty, have a term called – brace yourself, Myrtle, I’m about to drop the F-bomb – "fuck buddies." That’s blunt, but it means they’re friends who have sex. They have no serious "till death do us part" plans.

It also recognizes that adults have needs, though maybe not forever. I could just see myself announcing a man that way to my Aunt Marie. She’d turn a beautiful shade of eggplant before she booted the guy out the door with her size-12 Enna Jettick.

If Tile Woman moves in with Condo Man, then according to the federal government, he’s her POSSLQ (Persons of Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters), pronounced Possel-Q. That term is accurate, but lacks imagination. It also makes the man sound like a rare species of South American monkey, the ring-tailed POSSLQ.

Really, a ring would solve everything, at least until the couple divorces.

If Tile Woman was engaged to Condo Man, he’d be her fiancé. That’s a word you can say anywhere, anytime. Even to Aunt Marie.

Comments

[JC Montgomery]

Boyfriend does seem to be an incongruous term for an adult male, however I am regularly reminded that BOYfriend does apply in my case, such as:
(1) When he as a cold. Enough said.
(2) When he is hungry. Not that he can't cook for himself, but I'm kinda tired of him using the smoke alarm as a back-up timer.
(3) Kid-in-a-candy-store attitude whenever shopping at: Best Buy, Circuit City, [insert any electronics store name here]. He is of the firm belief that "He who dies with the most toys wins" is not a motto, is a mantra.

That being said, I must admit that his 'boyishness' can be endearing, especially his playful side. I like the fact that as I get older, he still finds ways of making me feel like I'm twenty again.

So, for me, 'boyfriend' works - at least until we actually start acting our ages. By then perhaps we will have evolved to something more mature, like, I dunno, a marriage?

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

For a more Aunt-acceptable term for FBuddies, try Friends with Benefits. But that doesn't cover the relationship where there is real romance involved.

'Partner' is okay, especially if you play sports like golf or tennis together. Or bridge. Do people still play bridge?

"Escort' sounds like there is money changing hands.

How about Beloved? I mean, if there is love involved. Otherwise, I'm going with Friends with Benefits.

[Laura (in PA)]

OK, as a naive parent whose daughter just started college, I need to stop reading this blog.

[SusanCo]

I vote for Friend,or Good Friend. Simple. Not giving to much imformation and to the point.

[Elaine Viets]

I like friends with benefits, and the smoke alarm as a backup timer. You are all in rare form today. Laura, if I had a college-age daughter, I'd be terrified, too. But I have cats and they are spayed.

[Harley]

The problem with "partner" is that there's a very good chance these people own a wallpaper business together and are not having sex at all. Asking for clarification puts the etiquette problem on YOU.

"When you say Jorge is your partner, do you mean co-owner of Great Wallpaper of China, or are you having sex with Jorge?"
"Jorge is my Friend Plus."
"Okay, when you say 'Friend Plus' do you mean . . . etc etc"

I have a similar issue. How do I refer to my Soon To Be Former Husband? The nicest way to say it is "my kids' dad" but there are times when that's a stretch, as for instance when the kids are nowhere in the conversation. He's not yet "my ex". "my husband" feels wrong since I don't often, these days, have the warm fuzzy feelings I've always associated with that word. "My estranged husband" sounds a little florid, a little Lifetime . . . All the obvious names are inappropriate when the kids are in earshot, and when talking to the Primary School Director about him. There should be an interim term, a sort of "reverse fiancé."

[michele]

Harley, soon enough you will be able to say "my ex," and that's a good thing. I think we need a new line of greeting cards -- congratulations on your upcoming divorce.

To me, because of the domestic partners laws, "partner" now connotes that Jorge's partner is named Tom or Bill or Josh rather than Emily or Mary or Susan. Which I think is good, because it allows people to give you that extra bit of information about their lifestyle without having to get into some big long discussion over it. But it does mean that if you use "partner" in the straight-relationship context you risk being misunderstood.

If it were me, I would say, "the guy I'm dating" or "the guy I'm seeing." If it were me and this were still the 80s or we were standing on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, I'd say, "the guy I'm inovlved with."

[Maryann Mercer]

Heck, I always just called him "Chuck"...still do. Of course we did have a problem when my dad started dating again after my mom died. I think Doris was his "lady friend",but don't quote me. When he decided to re-marry, it got a bit harder since his intended also happened to be our great-aunt on my mom's side (long story, but she was 20 years younger than her first husband, my great-uncle, and so six months younger than my dad). It was quite strange to hear my aunts address her as Aunt Elsie when my sister and I were using her given name...I mean, it would be really awkward to introduce them(or mention them) to people as "My dad and aunt" wouldn't it? Oh well. And she wasn't my mother, although she was the only grandmother my daughter ever knew.

Harley, what about ex-significant other? That's kind of a limbo-y term. Long, but better than other things that come to mind.

Have a great Thanksgiving everyone, and safe trips if you travel!

[bea]

I had this exact issue. I eventually married him for the sole reason that I was tired of referring to him in conversation as "um, significant other?--that's a silly phrase, but I hate referring to him as my boyfriend--that seems silly, too, given our ages, but I guess that's the better word, although...." People walked away in a daze while I was still babbling on about how to label him.

Harley--"soon-to-be-ex." Not perfect, and unoriginal, but at least you won't have to babble on and on until people walk away (sometimes that is okay, too, though).

I once heard a very staid and proper woman refer to a past 'boyfriend' as "the man whose time I was occupying."

[Twist]

When I lived in Australia, the term “de facto” was used by unmarried people living together or in a committed relationship. (“Jon is my de facto.") It's from the Latin (of course!) legal term for “in fact/actually,” as opposed to “de jure,” which means “of the law” (in this context, married people). “Boyfriend” was used to indicate a fledgling relationship (dating for less than six-nine months).

[Joyce Tremel]

With the term boyfriend, all I can think about is the scene in the movie Young Frankenstein, when Frau Blucher says, "Yes, yes, he was my boyfriend!"

[William Simon]

Back in the Old Days, my stance was "This is [name of woman I was currently dating]" and that was the end of it. Aside from ourselves and the respective parents, it really was no one's business what level the relationship was or was not.

[Jeanne Ketterer]

Ah, but William, the level of relationship can make a difference. Or at least where I come from. For instance, for weddings, I got to be a '+ one' only if I were engaged or gettingtheringanyminute. Boyfriend or the one I was dating didn't hold weight.

Bea - love the 'man whose time I was occupying'.

I think you have to temper it with your audience. BF with benefits would work with peers, but not with Aunt Helga.

Actually, I love to hear the relationship description - it's fun waiting for the description. The pause, the consideration of the other party, the pause, then the ... he/she's my ---.

Jeanne
but then ... thinking of my 80+ year old mother and her group and what they refer to their significant others as. Oh my. Very elegant variations.

[jodil]

Harley, I have used "the father of my daughter" to describe my ex husband for years. From the day he left umpty ump years ago to now. That way I don't have to use his name and explain where he fits in to our family or doesn't, in reality. My daughter who is grown has never been bothered by this cuz it's correct. I call my husband either Bob or Precious. That always gets some raised eyebrows and some snickers.

[Laurie King]

Is "my fella" too folksy? (Is "folksy" too folksy, at a time when the US President employs "folks" as a general collective for everyone from nations to terrorists?)

[Me, Margie]

Hi. It's Me, Margie. Okay, this is easy.

If it's an Ex, simply refer to him "The Jagoff". People will know.

If it's someone you're sleeping with but not in love with (not that anyone ever does that. cough.) use "Stud."

If it's someone you love, use "Mine."

[Mary Storyteller]

Margie, you are too, too clever. Harley, I think he became an "ex" the minute he left; the rest is legal formalities. . . (and I know it's just my twisted sense of justice, but "late" would be ever so much better).
A storytelling friend refers to her guy as "my roadie." A gay friend refers to his husband -- they've had a commitment ceremony and his mom bought the rings for them!
As for precious . . . I smile whenever I hear that word, ever since I heard the story told by some Atlanta librarians ;-)
I do agree that the whole world doesn't need to be told the whole story of a relationship (though it's fun making up words). I use the same logic with those who want to speculate about sexual orientation; unless I'm personally interested in that person, it's none of my business really.

[cathy]

I have a friend who refers to the guy she's seeing as her significant other. She started with boyfriend but eventually decided it was too high school.

[Tom]

I'm reading DEAD EX at the moment, so Wollie's kind of associative thinking is amplifying my own.

Along the line of 'Dearly Beloved,' 'Dear Departed' and all those other churchy euphemisms, howzabout 'Dorky Departing'? No? It does kind of slander walruses. 'The kids' dad' may be enough, then.

About 30 years ago, my ladyfriend and her 8-year-old daughter were trying to figure out what to call me in exactly this orbit. "Well, he's not my dad, and he's not your husband, so we should just call him our Tom, and everyone will understand that," the young 'un said.

[Michael]

How about "committed partner"?

That's what my employer calls them.

There's a slight wallpaper business ring to it, with maybe a hint of asylum, but it still beats "My baby's mama."

If you jump through the right hoops, you can even put them on your health insurance and travel benefits here. Pretty progressive for a company based in Texas.

[Pam aka Sister Zip]

I'm a little late in catching up as I am on vacation this week.

From yesterday...Sarah, I know how you feel. It has been 30 years and my MIL still doesn't like having me around. A few years ago, I was talking about the excema on my face and she wrinkled her nose and talked about how "only dirty people have that". I started laughing when my brother-in-law went off on her. Also, I have been 'dogless' since Jan 07 (for the first time in 20 years) and I do try to keep their habits in mind while dealing with my MIL!

Today....unfortunately, my 23 year old daughter has informed me that she has had a couple of "friends with benefits" during her college years. After the shouthing lecture I gave her about safety, you know....she just stomped off. I keep telling her I don't need to know everything.

And Harley, you can refer to him as anything you want for now. Until it was final, my friend called her ex: the soon to be ex, the current asshole-soon to be asshole ex, the disappearing father of my children and some really fowl ones I won't even print here. I call my husband's former wife "My X" because I am the one who has always dealt with her.

Have a wonderful, or at least tolerable, Thanksgiving everyone.

Elaine, finished the book and I loved it. Best one ever and now my sister can't wait to get her hands on it.

[Pam aka Sister Zip]

that is supposed to be "shouting lecture"...jeez, I have even had my coffee.

Pam

[Ladytink_534]

I didn't even have a ring before I started calling my now husband my fiance. He wanted to marry me, we were going to get married, and I was sick of saying the word "boyfriend" too so he became my fiance. Then we got a ring and got married!

[janetlynn13]

Harley--I always liked using "soon-to-be-ex." It made me feel like I was actively doing something to better the mess I was in.

I don't use his name anymore, just refer to him as 'Sarah's dad.' Although, after reading this blog, I have to agree that 'my ex' is a better description than anything including the word 'dad' in it.

I haven't had to worry about the 'boyfriend' label since high school. If I get lucky enough for it to be a problem, I'll worry about it then!

Happy Thanksgiving.

[-V-]

Before John and I got married, I called him my LISP (living in sin partner). We began living together almost immediately upon beginning to date, we just knew we were supposed to be together. Soul mates and all that schtuff, but if anyone asked, I said he was my sin partner. Or LISP.
-V-