The Nag in the Machine

By Sarah

I used to pride myself on being the Queen of Nags in our house. ("Are you going to throw that away or are you waiting for the maid?" "Those socks won't walk into the hamper themselves.""I'm sorry. Were you expecting me to change the toilet paper roll? Is it too difficult for you?") On and on. I have an endless supply of nags. Try me.

But now, I realize, there may be competition. Stiff competition from, among other devices, my coffee machine. In fact, when I think how many times a day various pieces of technology yell at me with beeps and bings, how I am held hostage to a fax machine that calls me from 9 to noon every ten minutes (or was - I took care of that) I wonder who is serving whom. Is my cell phone here to serve me? Or I, it?

Take a typical day. Starts off with a beeping alarm clock at 6 a.m. Okay. No big deal. That's its job. Only, the first beeps are normal, nudging beeps. (Hey..wake...up...moron.) Give it a minute or two and they turn into panicking, heart-stopping alarms. (Wake up! Wake up! Wake up now! You're going to get fired!)

Now, I'm up. Go downstairs and make a cup of coffee in the Cuisinart. It beeps to tell me the coffee's  ready. Fine. I actually like that. But wait - two hours later it sets off alarms to tell me it's turning off. Why? So turn off already.

After that, beeps rule my existence. My cell phone beeps to tell me I have a message from, uh, Saturday. Then it beeps to tell me the battery's low. My computer beeps to tell me it's turning on, that I have mail, that I have a virus, that I'm out of memory, that I can't do something. Thanks. You're sooo convenient.

There's the fax that keeps calling. (Reported them to the Do Not Call registry and then changed my phone service). The UPS truck beeps as it backs down my driveway. The oven beeps when it turns on, when it reaches the right temperature and when it turns off. My car beeps to tell me I haven't put on my seat belt yet. Then it beeps to tell me I've left my lights on.

My car is rarely happy.

What's really sad is that I've come to take these beeps for granted. I've actually become so used to them that I hardly notice when, say, the garage door beeps to open. Or when the washing machine beeps to tell me - like I've been holding my breath - that it's going into the spin cycle.

Until this weekend when I was listening to an interview on NPR with the former prime minister of Pakistan living in Saudi Arabia. "Please ignore the tones," the interviewer said, before replaying the conversation.

Well, you can't ignore the tones after someone tells you not to. She might have done better to say nothing at all. Because every two minutes there were beeps. I couldn't figure out if the former prime minister had call waiting (wife on the line asking him to bring home a quart of milk) or if his cell phone battery was low or if he was calling from a pay phone and needed to plunk in quarters.

I never heard one word of that interview, so obsessed was I with the beeps.

That's when it hit me. I have a blog for Tuesday! No, that's not it. (Kinda was.) What I really thought was, this is getting out of control. It started with the seatbelt thing and now it's moved onto the coffee machine. Think about how many technological devices scream at you all day. And how we just take it.

Honestly. If this keeps up, they're going to harass us about how we need to clean them and upgrade their software. Oh, right. They do that already.

Anyway, it's got to stop. At least, I think it has to stop. I dunno. I'm waiting for my computer to beep  me.

Love,

Hal

Comments

[Harley]

Sarah, you are BRILLIANT! Here's my inspiration: TLC develops a product we'll call The Beep Remover. Or, Beep Begone. We sell it, we make a million bucks, and blow it on fabulous vacations (and/or shoes.) (except for Elaine and me, whose feet are too big.)

Okay, so who here is good at inventing that? Because . . . well, not me.

[Nancy Martin]

Okay, the thing about my beloved GPS (a friend calls her Rhoda. Or Road-a.) is that it sounds so disappointed in me when I make a wrong turn. Not a beep, but definitely a nag.

[ArkansasCyndi]

I swear - I never even thought about all the beeping, bleating, chiming in my life. Thanks a lot. Now, I'll never be able to ignore them again!

How about setting up a beep-bleat-chime when there's a new post here?

[bea]

I hadn't really noticed this, either. But now, as if someone has said "Ignore the beeps," I will hear them all. I think I have a hobby now, too: Categorizing the nagging beeps in my life. (Unfortunately, having this as a hobby will make me seem demented. But I am determined to have a hobby after yesterday's blog.)

[michele]

I don't mind the beeps. If the machines in my life didn't beep, I would never put the roast in the oven, move the laundry from the washer to the dryer, or check my voicemail. I would, however, check the comments on The Lipstick Chronicles, which I do too often as it is. A beep for that would be a *bad* idea, at least for me.

Great blog, Sarah!

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

As annoying as beeps are (and as good as I am at tuning them out, often to my later distress, as when it happens to be the oven timer with my dinner), I do need them. I discovered this thanks to my last truck, a Chevy S-10 that lacked, of all things, the beeper that tells you you left your lights on. Now, I can live without the beep that tells me to put my seatbelt on, or the one that tells me I have a door ajar. But WHO ON EARTH DOESN'T NEED THE ONE ABOUT THE LIGHTS??? And what genius decided to leave it out?

I was shocked, shocked I tell you.

My Mom had one of the earliest cars that used voices instead of beeps to say stuff like "fasten your seatbelt." She came very close to convincing my then-young daughter that the car would tell her not to eat chocolate in the back seat. I don't think my daughter ever really bought that one.

I'm getting a new vehicle sometime this week (yay hooray!); I will now pay extra attention to the range of noises it uses to nag me. Thanks, Sarah :)

[William Simon]

I de-activate all beeps I possibly can; phones, cell phones, printers, etc. It preserves my sanity...:)

[Elaine Viets]

I had a dryer that sounded a horn when the clothes were done. It sounded like Gabriel's last trump. Fortunately, a house guest disconnected it for me.

[Mary Storyteller]

William, there is a service you could probably market, though I probably need my beeping dryer and other reminders . . .
My biggest "peeve" in that area is the use of horn-beeping to signal the locking or unlocking of cars. Horns are supposed to signal danger, so I'm always startled by them . . .and a bit worried about what will happen when we've become so accustomed to hearing them that we start ignoring beeps. My polite Prius just flashes its lights, and the locks click, which is enough. If more is needed, why not a polite little chirp or something soothing?
The lights go out automatically (no beeping necessary) when left on (I love that! I had to "jump" previous cars several times because of lights left on). It also won't let me leave and lock the car with the keys in the ignition; the locks just flip back to unlock. This is especially important with the quiet electric motor, but I once locked a previous car while it was running . . .not a pretty scene.

[Mary Storyteller]

The Garmin StreetPilot just says "recalculating" when I miss a turn, which I think would be a great way to handle many "wrong turns" in life -- no fussing and fuming, just quietly recalculate. A friend says it begins to sound annoyed after a few missed turns, but I think that's just projecting. I call her Athena, except when she plays tricks on me; then she's "Iktomi" the trickster.

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

I play music most of the time, so I don't hear so many beeps.

But in the same vein, we got my husband a very fancy, fully-automatic espresso machine for his birthday. Grinds the beans, tamps, pressurized steam, the whole shot.

It makes lots of beeps and has a message window too. Our daughter, shortly after listening to the thing one Saturday morning announced:

"The coffee machine has figured out how much caffeine Dad needs to survive, and it's now making demands...."

BTW, Hal is her screen saver...

[Me, Margie]

Hi. It's Me, Margie - guess who's birthday is today?

It's WILLIAM's birthday. He's old, but then, so are lots of people.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, William!

I am singing now. And having cake. Cake is always a good idea.

[Marcia in OK]

I'm with William. I turn-off every noise maker I possibly can. I love MUTE buttons and the SIGNAL OFF selectors on items.

I have DDs are still in elementary school. It is UNBELIEVABLE the amount of noise created by kids toys. Some of them were created without off switches or volume control - those inventors had an axe to grind for sure!

[Harley]

This is a Happy Birthday William beep!
BEEP! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!

[Elaine Viets]

Happy birthday, William. And thanks for being a good friend to the Book Tarts.

[michele]

William, like many of the finer things in life, only gets better with seasoning. We're lucky to have you, William! Many happy returns.

[ramona]

Happy Birthday, William Darling.

Love,
Diana Rigg

[Maryann Mercer]

Happy birthday William (from the purported birthplace of HAL, the home of the University of Illinois)!!!!!The computers over at Beckman are singing as I type :o)
My Dell is humming as well.
I like to think of myself as gently aged, like a fine wine. At least that's what I tell the youngsters I work with :o) You're welcome to use the same comparison, although gently aged like a fine cognac sounds much more classy! Have a great celebration!

[SarahS]

Happy Birthday William - the day after Guy Fawkes...Hmmmm.

You're such a sophisticated addition to the blog!

[ArkansasCyndi]

HAPPPPPPYYYYY BIRTHDAY WILLIAM!!

This is a recording. BEEP

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

Open Channel D, please. This is April Dancer, calling to wish Mr. Simon the happiest of birthdays. (Be quiet, Mark -- it's not *your* birthday, and no, I don't have Margie's phone number or channel. Naughty boy!)

Have a great one, William!

[Josh]

What's too bad is that children aren't created with "off" switches. That would sure make getting them ready for school a more relaxing experience.

[William Simon]

Thanks to the Tarts and everyone! So kind of Dame Diana to stop by... who says TLC is not international in scope?

Kerry, yours was most appropriate... Turner Classic Movies is running an UNCLE marathon all day long. Eight, count 'em, eight, MAN FROM UNCLE movies, uncut and uninterrupted. (And Mark Slate would not survive an encounter with Margie.... but then, what mortal man would?)

Thank you all....:)

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

William, you have made my day. I'm home with a migraine, and about all I'm capable of, after dosing myself heavily, is lying in bed, checking e-mail, and watching TV. I am so excited!

[Tom]

Happy birthday to William, who most certainly is not a Nag In A Machine, nor even a cog!