Help! She’s after my Soul

Elaine Viets

Early one Sunday, I snuck into the condo gym for a workout.

I like the off-peak hours – the gym is quiet, the machines are free, and I watch "Cops" on Court TV. I love Court TV. I tell myself it’s because the actual dialogue helps me write books. I know "Freeze! Get down on the ground!" isn’t original, but it’s authentic.

Secretly, I’m relieved that none of the people hauled off in handcuffs are members of my large, unruly family.

But this particular morning, my usual routine was interrupted. A skinny blonde was sweating on one treadmill and her obnoxious eight-year-old daughter was on the second treadmill twirling a freaking baton. Both were wearing big smiles and lots of pink. Worse, they were watching the Disney Channel.

"I hope you don’t mind," the blonde said. "I love Christian entertainment. I don’t believe in sex or violence."

Actually, I like a little of both in my entertainment. But I didn’t say so. I know it’s not my personal gym. If I have to, I can share.

I managed an insincere smile, plopped down my gear and started working out with free weights on the bench. While I was hoisting a pair of fifteen-pounders over my head, the kid was in my face.

"Do you accept Jesus as your personal savior?" the child asked.

I waited for her mother to tell the girl not to bother people. Instead, Mom said, "She’s my little evangelist," as if the kid had done something wonderful.

I was appalled. We have Christians, Jewish people, atheists, agnostics and an occasional Buddhist in our condo. We don’t interfere with one another’s beliefs. South Florida is a live and let live place.

My bad angel was saying, "Tell the little creep to beat it. Your religion is none of her business. Tell her that freedom of religion made America great, and a true patriot would never ask that intrusive question."

My good angel said, "It’s not her fault. She has a Barbie doll for a mother."

My good angel didn’t exactly win, but while I was struggling to hoist the weights, I must have made a frightening face. The kid ran back to her baton and left me alone.

When did we become a nation of religious meddlers?

While I was in the hospital, I had many roommates. One kept trying to get me to accept Jesus as my personal savior. "Jesus gave you that stroke," she said. "You’ll be much happier if you accept that."

"Jesus has better things to do than smite a minor mystery writer," I said.

Why blame God for the bad things? I am lucky to have a good husband, a career I enjoy, and a condo overlooking the ocean. Nobody tries to convert me by telling me Jesus gave me those.

Instead, Jesus doles out awful punishments. So far, he’s spared me baton-twirling children.

Comments

[Tom]

"So far, he’s spared me baton-twirling children."

See? He really does love you!

[Josh]

I was almost born again when I was stuck in a visitors' cell at the Delaware Correctional Center in Smyrna in 1995. My client, obviously not yet executed, had not come down yet, because of Count or some such malarky, and I was in the cell with a nice man from Prison Ministries. As he led me down some rosy path, in the name of client relations, I attempted to humor him by admitting that, yes, whatever he is saying could be true or could be believed by people or something. He actually got to the money line, which I don't remember what it was, before I balked and admitted that I had to think about it before agreeing to some religious thing involving that Johnny-come-lately, Jesus. After an hour or so, I decided my client wasn't going to come down, so I drove the 45 minutes home, shaking my head the whole way. I decided that day that so many prisoners convert for the same reason that they claim to give confessions that they later repudiate (or were false to begin with): so that they can get out of that darn room and get back to their lives.

On the other hand, my client's conversion helped him order his life in prison and affairs after he left in a box, and it served a useful function for a directionless, wandering soul. I wouldn't deny it to him, but I wouldn't want it for me.

[ramona]

Wait a minute, Elaine--the kid was twirling her baton while on the treadmill? Where I come from, that shows talent!

I think I have to try that out. But if I break both legs and fracture both arms, will somebody pray for me, even though I am a freaking idiot?

[William Simon]

More and more people down here are claiming things happen/don't happen due to "God's Will", or "Jesus put me where He wants me to be."

The C&W song of years gone by "Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts of Life" (think I'm kidding? Google that one, see what you get) has made a comeback, and is being sung by three year olds in public at the drop of a hat.

Mention Gary Aldridge (a-k-a "The Bondage Minister") and get an icy stare and lecture on how "the Devil Made Him Do It."

The last time I met a client for lunch, at a TGI Friday's, in the middle of our conversation a table full of well-dressed upper class women (the Mercedes SUV crowd) waited patiently until everyone's food had been served, then stood as one and in a collective volume that could have caused sterility in small animals, gave a prayer of thanks to the Glory.

The single hottest selling bumper sticker these days reads "In Case of Rapture, This Vehicle Will Be Driverless".

My personal religious beliefs, like my politics, are just that: personal. And I keep them that way.

[J.D. Rhoades]

I just tell the random street fundies I'm a Muslim. I'm not, really, but most of them leave me alone after that, probably for fear I'll try to kill them, especially if I start doing that ululating thing.

I used to tell them I'm Jewish, but they apparently got new programing and instructions on trying to convert the Jews. I'm not really Jewish either, BTW.

William: I have a bumper sticker that reads "In Case of Rapture, Can I Have Your Car?"

[Nancy Martin]

Okay, maybe it was just the Scottish Presbyterians, but where and when I grew up, talking about your faith was Just Not Done. Blabbing about Jesus would have been the same as talking off your clothes and strutting up Main Street with that little girl's baton. I'm with William. It's personal. And I'm offended when accosted by evangelists.

[Lorraine]

Amen, Nancy!

[SusanCo]

Boy, do I know about the "God gave you this because of your sins" Back in 1971 I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, Kenneth Lynn.The day after the birth my doctor told me that my baby boy was Downs Syndrome. That was breakfast, and by lunch my husband at the time was coming in my hospital room with three J.W.s. They proceeded to tell me that my darling boy was that way because of my sins. Needless to say the three went out of my room wearing my lunch. I dont remember what it was, probably mystery meat and veggies, but I do remember telling them that God told me to do that, too.I am not sure why people would think this was the time or the place to tell a new mother something like that, but I do know any religous feelings I could have had was gone that day and it has never come back. Maybe in some way I believed them, or maybe I decided that any people that would do this were not somebody I didnt want to be.Oh and one more thing. If I heard ,"God doesnt give you more then you can handle"....... I am going ...... ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG

[ramona]

SusanCo, what a crappy experience. Good for you for responding with flying food.

I also hate that "God never gives you more than you can handle" line. I always want to say, yeah, well, with me, I think he misjudged.

[HollyD]

I was blessed/cursed with 5 children.

When I was a child we lived on 2 acres of land. On both sides and behind us was farm land. At the time my mom was young and in shape. She also had an extra large chest, the natural way. She was in our back yard sunbathing, laying on her stomach with the bikini top, untied.
All of a sudden she hears: Excuse us ma'am. She jumped up forgetting about the top and gave those poor souls quite a show. It was many years before they ever showed up at our house again.
People who want to convert everyone are like annoying telemarketers. If I wanted your product/religion I have enough ***** brains to purchase your product/attend your church. Usually all I have to say is our family is Catholic and they leave us alone, until the next time.

[HollyD]

SusanCo

I have a daughter w/ Cerebral Palsy, Seizures, and Kidney Reflux. I also have a son w/ Autism. I also have 3 other kids. I hate that dumba** saying. HE gave me more than I can handle years ago and HE still piles on more. That's probably why I haven't attended Mass lately.

[J.D. Rhoades]

If God would give your child Down's to punish YOU for YOUR sins, then what exactly distinguishes Him from the Devil?

[Elaine Viets]

My other least favorite saying is, "God never closes a door without opening a window."
I had a roommate like that. Very annoying.

[William Simon]

More than one person has told me that I'll go to Heaven; not because it's deserved, but the consensus is the Downstairs Office is concerned about a hostile takeover...:)

If, and I say IF, that day comes, God and I are going to have a VERY long chat about doors closing, windows opening, loads that can be handled, patience, faith, etc. A very LONNNNNNNNNNG chat....

[Karen Olson]

Wait a minute: This woman prefers "Christian entertainment" and she lets her kid watch the Disney channel? Does she ever really watch it herself to know the crap that's on Disney?

[Maryann Mercer]

My massage lady peppers her talk with phrases with "Lord Willing" and "Have a Blessed Day", but she doesn't preach at me. I respect her beliefs and she respects mine...and if she wants to pray for me so much the better. I need all the help I can get :o) However, people who make God The Avenger and The Punisher need to re-examine their own concepts before telling anyone why a child born with autism or a parent or loved one taken suddenly is the result of that person's failings. I have little patience with those who tell me I must believe the way they do or I won't get to the Pearly Gates (even though these same people tell me there is a limit to the number of slots in heaven, which makes me wonder why they're trying to overbook the place) AND I too say Amen to William with the addition of some wisdom from my mom. Faith is a private and not to be tampered with thing.

[Cheryl]

I take the whole founding fathers sense of separation of church and state very seriously. If what ever brand of faith helps a you be a better person, great, just please don't belittle or bully the people that are on a different path. The junior evangelist just gives me the creeps, especially since the mom found it endearing.

I am still uncomfortable with how the term "blessed" has made it's way into the vocabulary. For me, "Have a nice day" works better for me than "Have a blessed day". Or "I am really lucky for x, y, and z" is now "I am blessed". It just feels like code.

I think being a member of a minority faith makes me extra sensitive. Really, if I am looking for a new path, I'll find you, other wise, please leave me and my "heathen" self alone.

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

Such great words of wisdom here!

Cheryl, I don't mind the "blessed" thing, and have come to like using it myself (in small ways -- I don't wish people "blessed days" all the time!) -- ever since I read a really cool mystery series (by Rosemary Edgehill, maybe?) featuring a Wiccan high priestess. "Blessed be" was a favorite, lovely saying, and I enjoy the secret merriment of knowing how appalled some folks would be if they knew the kind of deity I'm thinking of :)

For bumper stickers, I'm still fond of the "God is coming, and boy is she pissed." Also, the "I'm a dirt-worshipping tree-hugger." Just for giggles, if you Google "anti-religion bumper stickers", you can get to a Cafe Press page with lots of amusing ones -- most of which really aren't anti-religion so much as anti-proseletyzing (sp?????)

William, I'm with you all the way. If you need an enforcer during that chat, let me know.

Can't wait to hear what Margie has to say about this :)

[Laura (in PA)]

While I believe everyone has a right to practice their faith, it makes me very uncomfortable when people start preaching at me or trying to convert my beliefs to theirs. Does that make me intolerant of religions where that is part of the deal? Maybe. I agree with Nancy and William, that faith is a private thing, and in my personal vision of God, on the days where I decide there is one, He's not asking me to beat people over the head with it, nor acting as if money was the most important thing of all.

I would be appalled if I had been in your situation, Elaine, where I couldn't go to a gym without being accosted by a CHILD preaching Jesus, and a parent who was encouraging it. But I'm naive, and reminded of it more every day.

[Josh]

I find that "In case of rapture..." bumper sticker to be the ultimate irony. If you have that bumper sticker, chances are you aren't going anywhere. Not much humbleness there, huh? I'm more partial to "God--Co-Pilot." That doesn't offend me, and I'm easily offended.

From this atheist's viewpoint.

Has anyone else seen the ancient car driving around dragging a trailer with the huge cross on it? I passed it some years ago on either the Turnpike or I-80 out between Harrisburg (or Bellefonte) and the Ohio state line. That doesn't offend me, either, but it obviously was memorable.

[William Simon]

Kerry, that was indeed the Bast series by Rosemary (my editor on MURDER BY MAGIC), about a practicing Wiccan/private investigator. Three books in the series, wonderful entertainment.

Just yesterday I mentioned to a friend I think Robin Williams sums it up nicely: "Jesus IS coming back, only he's not some gentle carpenter this time. Oh, no, he's CHARLES BRONSON and he's guddamnpissedoff!"

Makes me laugh every time I hear that one....

[Michael]

I used to spend a lot of time in Atlanta for professional reasons. One thing I hated about it was being accosted by the roving bands of evangelists. They were like street thugs without the guns and 22” Dubs. They did have the Mercedes SUVs though.

I had a working lunch one time with 2 department heads and 4 other instructors from our training department. The three of us who weren’t from Atlanta pretty much just sat there as the conversation turned to the hot new trendy Church in some suburb.

It was like listening to (normal) people discuss that new Thai restaurant or a new movie.

Apparently the Reverend Billy Joe Bubba Jim Bob (I can’t remember the rest of his name) delivered quite a “Message” which contained a lot of “Truth”. Always capitalized.

The 3 Yankee Jew Foreigners all drove back to the office in 1 car, where we continued to discuss the Rev. and his sermons. “His sermon on why it’s better to sleep with your cousin than your uncle? TRUTH!! MESSAGE!!!”

And yeah, it’s mean of us to make fun of peoples’ religious choices, but when you spend a lot of time around these people, what you realize is, it’s not really THEIR choice.

I’ve come to the conclusion that for many of them, it’s a fashion thing, not a true deeply held belief. They have the right car, the right clothes, the right house in the right neighborhood, and of course, attend the right church.

It struck me as being a little like the Iranians you see on TV chanting “Death to America.” When the cameras are there, it’s all sound and fury, but really, it’s all just for show.

[beachfla]

The evangelicals aren't the only ones imposing their beliefs on folks. Here in Pittsburgh this past week, WDUQ, the flagstaff PUBLIC radio station which broadcasts the bulk of National Public Radio's news programs in the region, pulled Planned Parenthood of Western Pennsylvania's sponsorship (innocuous psa's regarding cancer screening services and self-esteem education programs for teens). The reason? WDUQ's license is owned by Duquesne University, heavily controlled by the Roman Catholic Church, and the radio station was directed by the university's administration to do so. The radio station is having a fundraising drive right now. I wonder if they are asking all donors about their beliefs before accepting their money? Remember, it is a public radio station...

[Pam aka SisterZip]

We should sell the bumperstickers (and make t-shirts) to sell for our campaign funds.

Cheryl, I'm with you. The 'founding fathers' didn't put God into the Pledge of Allegiance; it was added in the 50s. I am a member of a church, I go when I feel the need, I believe the way I believe. But we have that seperation of church & state for a reason. I can't tell you how, when, who to worship or if you have to do it at all. You are free to do what you feel is right, for you.

This conversation reminds me of a joke my mother-in-law told me (one of her rare moments of self-deprecating humor):

Sam arrived at the Pearly Gates and was met by St. Peter. As St. Peter walked Sam down the hall, he pointed out the different rooms where groups of people were gathered, "Over there is the Methodist and right next to them is the Presbyterians". They walked past the next set of doors and St. Peter said, "Those two doors are for the Catholics; the need alot of room for their Bingo tables." They continued down the hall with St. Peter naming all of the groups, Lutherans, Pentecostals, Baptists, Buddist, Hindi. As they reached the end of the hall, St. Peter slowed and started to whisper, "We have to be very quiet." Sam was confused and asked, "Why? No one seems to mind that we are here." St. Peter said, "That room at the end of the hall is for the Church of Christ. They think they are the only ones here."

(You can move the religions around. That just happens to be what my in-laws & Dear Hubby are.)

It doesn't matter what you believe...just so it gets you through the day!

[michele]

I know we're not a political blog, but I can't help pointing out that this administration and the Roberts Supreme Court have radical views about the separation of church and state. Radical, like, they think it's a bad idea. Watch out for lots of deeply scary Establishment Clause cases in the next few years. That's the part of the First Amendment that says the government can't make laws "establishing" religion, i.e., supporting it. The Bushies are trying to write that one right out of the Constitution.

Hey Mike -- Amen to what you said. It does seem a lot of the preaching is around peer pressure and keeping up appearances rather than true faith.