Dollywood and . . . What Else But Boobs?

by Nancy

We went to Dollywood last weekend--the place, as a devilish writer friend opined, where all the women are under-endowed, all the men are your cousin and teeth are optional. My friend was wrong.  It was lovely. Only one part of the whole weekend has me puzzled.

Here's what happened: For a family wedding, my city-raised husband and I--a woman who has seen my share of the world, you could say--packed our suitcases and accompanied our two rather cosmopolitan daughters (sans their significant others for reasons I'm still unclear about) through a series of smaller and smaller airports until we found ourselves together in a rental car with a much-appreciated GPS system.  (Only an extra $20, and I'm here to praise Garmin for their excellent cure for Family Navigation Feud.) At 9 pm, we began driving through the state of Tennessee, which is a lot more rural than I thought. I mean, serious mountains.  No streetlights. But 14 McDonald's restaurants between Knoxville and our motel. I'm telling you, there's a lot of wilderness left in Tennessee.  (Memphis, I must admit, the home of Elvis, is one of the 100 Places I Plan To Visit Before It's Over, but it was on the other end of the state.)  This was my first--and probably only--trip to Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, where there are more RV parks than you can count and the churches are bigger than the Short Ridge shopping mall.

Mind you, it's beautiful there. And we enjoy country music and can appreciate clean living and the flag and all that, so it was nice. The people were delightful--a lot like the crowds at Disney World--well-dressed and well-behaved.  No cousins missing their teeth except for the motel's night clerk, who I will not describe out of kindness. The towns make a big effort to decorate all the streets and intersections with flowers and extensive amusement park-like beautification, and this weekend they were positively overflowing with picturesque displays of pumpkins, bales of hay and cute scarecrows.

But for some reason, many of the displays featured a decorative item that I found . . hardly decorative: An outhouse.

Now, lest you think I'm some kind of effete sophisticate who doesn't know what the half moon means on a door, let me assure you I've camped aplenty and lived in summer lake cottages, so I've used my share of outhouses. And I know outhouses featured prominently in every household in America during a certain time period, but why the people of rural Tennessee feel the need to--well, exalt the outhouse is a mystery to me. Any thoughts?

It's a cultural difference, you could say.

Here's another cultural difference:  http://www.myfreeimplants.com Yes, it's a website that helps women finance their breast augmentation by inviting men to contribute to the cause.

Don't tell me the purpose of this site is to help women feel better about themselves, because the poses, the XXX-like quality of the photos, the fact that men pay for the privilege ($1.25 per email) of communicating with the ladies is exactly the kind of thing you'd warn your daughters about, isn't it? Truly, our mission in life is surely to do right by the next generation, and this kind of behavior should be Discouraged with a capital "D" and I don't mean cupsize, you know? 

The founder of this site, upstanding citizen Jason Gunstra, says that he and his partner started MyFreeImplants.com as "a joke" after---you're going to be astonished to hear this---a bachelor party. Here's how it works: Men look at pictures and send money.  After each woman "raises" $4000, the site will pay her surgeon for the breast augmentation. Meanwhile, the site's pimps---er, owners--are making 25 cents for every $1 that passes between the johns---er--men and the implant seekers. So a venture that started as a joke has turned into a--forgive me--cash cow that's win-win for everyone except maybe civilization.

At this point, I could insert a rant about women learning to feel good about themselves no matter what their size, shape or IQ, but I hesitate for two reasons.

The first reason is an article in Oprah's magazine (hey, what do you read on airplanes--The Wall Street Journal?) ghost-written for Celine Dion in which she describes how she was entirely focused on her career until her husband developed cancer and she was forced to take care of him and manage their home and family, while also continuing her job, which is, I'll agree, very challenging.  Her conclusion: Even though you love your work, you should make your life about more than your career because It's Better That Way.

I could insert another diatribe here about women struggling to be beautiful, have brilliant careers along with loving, healthy families and full intellectual and social lives not to mention big boobs, but I don't have to tell anyone reading this that that state of perfection isn't easy to achieve. We're making ourselves crazy by trying to have it all.  I know I've got eye twitches and heart palpitations and the occasional chocolate binge to show for how hard I've been trying to juggle everything, how about you? So maybe we ought to stop judging each other for acting like idiots now and then. (Unless, dear reader, you are my own daughter, in which case, if I hear you're contemplating implants, I will come over there and---well, never mind, but call me later.)

The second reason I'm not going to rant about women who will do just about anything--including a form of prostitution--to make themselves attractive is that by the time you read this today I'll be flat on my back at the dermatologist's office having my 6th laser treatment on my face. Ostensibly, the laser reduces my rosacea--a tendency for enlarged red veins to develop blisters and therefore acne and sometimes infection. But one of the really nice side effects is that the laser also tightens skin and smooths the surface and--okay, dammit--makes me look younger.

So . . . uhm . . . today I won't bash anybody who's going above and beyond to look good, I guess, not even people who put outhouses among the flowers.

So instead, let's make this blog about the 100 Places You Will Visit Before You Die, okay? Let's start a list. (And you should include Gatlinburg, by the way. It's lovely and quite pleasant, if a little . . .  boring.  It's an enormous honkytonk in the middle of a beautiful wilderness. Where else can you visit a wax museum and shoot the white water rapids between shopping at at least 50 fudge shops? And not too many Dixie flags flying. It's extraordinary! A true American experience.)

How about you? Where would you like to go before your implants deflate and your face sags to your collarbones?

Comments

[michele]

Dernit, and here I was all ready with what cosmetic surgery procedure I'd most like to have! But where I'd like to travel is fun, too, and I admit, more wholesome for general audiences.

We're actually going to the Galapagos Islands later this year, and I'm thrilled about that. But that's a wholesome, with- the-kids type vacation. For a grown-up getaway sans kids, with an exotic, fantasy element, I'm thinking Russia (St. Petersburg, Moscow, some strange wilderness adventure in Siberia) or Dubai (indoor skiing, world's wildests architecture and best shopping).

[Nancy Martin]

Michele, I am a shallow person. Tell me what procedure you'd like to have.

Me, I'm trying to figure out how to get my insurance company to pay for having the fat sucked out of my chins. The rosacea is a medical condition. But double chins, for come reason, don't count.

[Nancy Martin]

ps. My sister went to the Galapagos last year, and felt it was a life-changing experience.

[Harley]

First, I'm deeply disappointed to learn that you're not some kind of effete sophisticate, Nancy, because I think the world needs more of them, just like it needs more plastic boobs. (And blogs with "boobs" in the title, of course.)

Okay! So now you've got me wanting to go to Tennessee. I also want to go to Jerusalem. And Greece. And Bali. And back to all my favorite places: Paris Rome and London. The usual suspects.

[Annette Dashofy]

My best friend is going to the Galapagos next year, too.

As for me, for some reason, I really want to see Ireland. I always thought I was part Irish until my nephew, the geneology expert, determined that we're not. But I still feel drawn to the Emerald Isle.

[Kathryn Reschini Sweeney]

The Grand Canyon, for starters. There are so many places to see here in this country, that I may never get through all of them.

[Nancy Martin]

I think the world is changing in ways that will soon make it difficult and/or too expensive for Americans to travel abroad. So I figure now's the time to go overseas, and we can save seeing the sites of the good old US of A when we can do it from the captain's chairs of a gigantic RV that slows traffic to a crawl on I95.

[michele]

Nancy, too true, too sad! Let's all travel now before WW III hits.

I might consider some Botox or Restalyne or whatever at some point, but can you do that without looking all frozen?

[Nancy Martin]

I dunno, Michele, the Restalyne thing makes everybody look as if they've been punched--all swollen up, don't you think?

Does anybody here use Frownies? Or that gizmo you put in your mouth to exercise your cheekbones or whatever?

Okay, I'm weird: To me, Iceland looks like really, really neat to visit.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I quit dying my hair when I started looking like a chocolate sundae with cherry streaks. Not attractive on a 45 year old. I have left my hair a glorious silver that practically reflects the sun. I think the only plastic surgery procedure I would elect to do is getting rid of the overhanging eyelids. Can't see much of the eye shadow, if you know what I mean.

We would never be able to afford going overseas for vacation and we are just not hot weather people. It is the simple things: the Grand Canyon, Fall in New England, a return trip to DC (I have been, but Dear Hubby & daughter have not). This year I finally traveled farther west than Kansas City...Manhattan, KS (moving daughter to grad school). So I think I would like to see Northern California and just drive up the west coast.

[William Simon]

"http://www.myfreeimplants.com"

Nancy, I have to thank you. Seriously. I'd reached a point where I thought I'd Seen Everything... but THIS have given me something else to marvel at.... so to speak....:)

Some things defy description. I wonder how many "contributors" get to actually meet the lady they have "assisted"? Ye Gads....

Places to see? London and the entire British Isles. Amsterdam. Athens. San Francisco (for fun...every time I've been there it's been Business related.)

[jodi l]

Nancy, I bought the Frownies but haven't used them. Think brown paper tape that you have to wet before it sticks. That's a Frownie. Everytime I think I'll consider some type of plastic surgery I see women whose surgery went bad and I rethink the issue. A 70+ body with a 30 something face is a scary sight.

Turkey is where I really want to go. That and St. Petersburg. And don't forget Australia and New Zealand. Too many places on my list and way to little time to get there.

[Maryann Mercer]

I have been known to use Genie line smoother (QVC) occasionally but when I do I feel stretched...and I've never been a big cosmetic maven so I figure I'll just age as gracefully as I can :o) I don't do hair color either, too much maintenance. And fortunately for me, my family grays in a highlight kind of way. Ask me again in a few years though :o)
I want to see lots of places before I shuffle off this mortal coil:(in no particular order)
The Czech Republic
Poland
Denmark
China
Australia/ New Zealand
New England in the fall
San Francisco
Door County, WI
Savannah GA
Nova Scotia/Newfoundland
Greenland
Iceland
Key West
UK/Ireland
Ensenada Mexico

and I want to re-visit
New Orleans
Victoria, BC
Skagit Valley WA at tulip time
Seattle
Atlanta
Portland (easy choice, with the kids there)
Scotland...this time the highlands with a stop in Edinburgh on the way
The Greek Islands

If I quit my job now (and mortgage my house) I just might be able to do half :o)

[Cate]

I'm not much of a traveler, I have to admit. I do not love New York, airplanes make my skin crawl, and my idea of an adventure is finally cleaning out under the stairs.

That being said, I'm really hoping to take off to San Francisco this summer for RWA national. I want to see (but not go on) the Golden Gate Bridge, go to Napa, and see Alcatraz.

Other than that, I'd love to go to London and France, but not so much Paris. I'd rather see the chateau on the Loire.

And I will confess I've had plastic surgery, but it's the type those women on makemyboobsbigger.com would look at me like I'm crazy for having it.

[michele]

"This mortal coil." Maryann, love that!

Let's not forget Vegas. All planes go to Vegas and all the hotel rooms are cheap. No matter what your poison is (shopping, gambling, eating, or . . . whatever) it's the world capital of the wild weekend.

[hollygee]

Cate
If you are in SF and want to go to Napa, you have to go over some bridges, so it might as well be the Golden Gate. It's pretty spectacular.

[jodi l]

Cate
Check out Sonoma while you are in the area. It is a really pretty town. You can see Alcatraz and the Golden Gate Bridge and the skyline of SF from one the the boat tours. It's pretty spectacular. For France, I recommend the Champagne district. The town of Epernay on the Marne River has some of the finest Champagne houses...Moet & Chandon has a wonderful tour of its underground caves where the bubbly is made. Another area to explore is the Chablis area. Fall is a wonderful time to do this, the weather is good and the crowds are not so big. Have fun.

[Cate]

Thanks for the travel tips! Napa is on the agenda because I'm going with some friends who really want to do wine country. They say they are going to liquor me up (I generally don't drink much) and get me to drive across the Golden Gate. I avoid bridges because one collapsed just after we crossed it when I was a child, and that one is waaaay too long for me. However, I love the look of it and respect how it was made. No avoiding bridges though, I know.

Actually, I was born in N. Calif and have been to San Fran, but I don't remember. No fair going over the Golden Gate at age 2.

As for France, that trip is a long shot, but my mother's family is from Nice, so that would be a definite to do. Never thought about Moet et Chandon! Wonderful idea!

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Uh, Cate, did we have some excess 'baggage' removed? :-)

[Cate]

Could be, Pam. ;-) And I LOVE it!!

[Darlene Ryan]

I'd like to see Paris some day and I'd like to take the munchkin to China to see where she was born.

I'd have plastic surgery to get rid of my frown lines between my eyes but I'm afraid I'd end up looking like Joan Rivers.

And as for having it all, I'm trying to live life the same way as I approach a bag of M & M's. First I eat some red ones. Then I eat some brown ones. Then I eat the orange and yellow ones. I save the blue and green ones for later--which is usually about 15 minutes later. But I don't try to eat them all at once.

[Nancy Martin]

Darlene, I admire a woman who challenges her will power.

[Kathryn Reschini Sweeney]

Pam - my Mom had her droopy eyelids done because they began to interfere with her vision - so if you can establish that - then your surgery will be covered by your health insurance.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

My eyelids aren't touching my cheek yet, but they will and then the insurance company will just cringe. I always like doing that!

And Cate, I know of a couple of other women who felt like they had just had a baby after their reduction. It opened up a whole new world.

[NancyJoy]

China, Russia, Eastern Europe. Australia, New Zealand. Africa.

I'd love to go back to Paris... and this time add Provence and EEE-taly to the itinerary. Actually, I'd like to hit the lottery, buy a Lake Como villa across from George Clooney, and borrow a cup of hot sex. (Think he'd fall for it more than once?)

Meanwhile, let me know when you find MyFreeLiposuctionAndLidLift.com!