Behind on a trend

Elaine Viets

Men pad, too. Not just their expense accounts. Guys can buy "butt enhancers" – padded underwear – to add "curves, comfort and assurance to your daily life."

I saw this in a magazine ad for gay men. "Get the butt that gets the stares!" the ad said, and showed a hunky guy with terrific buns.

"We’re the leader in padded briefs, so let’s pump up your posterior and get you noticed," the ad claimed. Padded underpants were "used by actors and models." There were butt enhancers for men and women at buttforyou.com.

I am proud to say I have never needed butt enhancement. Mother Nature has been generous in that region, though the miserable bitch skimped on the balcony when I was a teenager.

I corrected her oversight with socks. Yes, socks. I used six black dress socks lifted from my father’s handkerchief drawer. This was before women even considered breast enhancement surgery. We were lucky if we could get contact lenses.

Some girls would pad their bras with Kleenex, but I always thought those were unreliable. Kleenex rustled in a clinch, and besides we’d heard about the girl whose boyfriend finally asked her to marry him. She was so happy she started crying, and reached inside her cardigan for a Kleenex. Suddenly, she was half the woman she used to be.

He married her anyway.

Socks also had their disadvantages. My grandma told me about a New Year’s Eve party where she got tipsy on champagne. At midnight, when everyone else was throwing confetti, Grandma yelled "Whoopee," reached into her bodice and tossed my grandfather’s socks.

And now we’re back to the question I never had to face: What happens when you meet the man of your dreams and the padding comes off? Will he flat out love you?

When I was growing up in Florissant, Missouri, in 1966, it was really 1956. Young women were warned that their virginity was their only asset, and if they weren’t careful, they would be "used goods" and no nice man would marry them. This credo turned out to be the biggest pile of manure this side of the Gulfstream racing stables, but we believed it.

The nuns gave us dire warnings about girls who crossed the line. They told us all men were evil and would promise us anything, but would betray us in a heartbeat. From eavesdropping on my brothers, I knew this to be true. One sweet old nun told us we must always carry a phone book. That way, if we were riding home from a football game and had to sit on a guy’s lap in a crowded car, we could put a phone book between us and certain sin. This was pre-cellphone, so guys would get quite a wallop with a fat St. Louis phone book.

I never knew a young woman who carried a phone book for protection. And no young man ever saw my father’s socks, except on Dad’s feet.

Every Saturday night, my nervous date arrived and made chitchat with my parents in the family room. I knew I had to get down there quick, before the guy bolted in terror. I’d spray on the Chanel No. 5 I got for my birthday and come tripping down the stairs in my new dress.

My father, who had a wicked sense of humor, would see my suddenly Dolly Parton sized proportions and say, "Hey, Sis, have you seen my socks?"

My date would look clueless. My mother would fume.

I don’t know why parents made fun of socks. They were better than chastity belts. They kept young women practicing safe sex in the days before reliable birth control.

I would have fought to the death to make sure no man knew the object of his affections was six black executive length Gold Toes.

Comments

[Nancy Martin]

Okay, I can't bring myself to say it, but here's an ad for men's briefs that enhance more than the behind: http://www.skiviez.com/Catalog/Mens-Underwear/Brands/136/C-IN2-Swimwear.underwear It's called the "sling" technology, but I think it was pioneered in the bra industry.

[ramona]

Elaine, surely the nuns warned you never to have dinner with a man over a white tablecloth because it would make him think of bed?

Nancy, I am wondering why you even know about that link. I am also wondering about a man who'd buy underwear called "bodacious."

[ArkansasCyndi]

This would certainly keep things "under control" http://www.scienceandsociety.co.uk/results.asp?image=10287396&wwwflag=2&imagepos=10
(Hope the link works)

Not being Catholic, I think I missed out on A LOT of great dating advice! LOL

And Ramona - I also wonder why Nancy knows about his site...and for that matter, why is Elaine pursuing gay men underwear sites. I can "hear" their excuses now..."Book Research".

[Harley]

Ramona, that warning stopped the day that the bed linen industry discovered color. But you gotta love a religion where the acolytes cheerfully brand an entire gender "evil."

I want the link to that "get the butt that gets the stares" website.

[Harley]

Because I'd rather look at male models this morning than write my novel.

[ramona]

OMG, ArkansasCyndi, put a warning flag over that link! Some Men of the Blog might pass out.

[Maryann Mercer]

As someone who got her first bra (not "my first bra" but the real grown-up '50s white Maidenform kind)in sixth grade (and was embarrassed and not at all bodacious because my girlfriends were still, well, flat)I'm sort of envious. Yes, I said envious. Sixth grade clothes in the fifties were not cut for the damn things so I had to shop in the 'grown-up department'...and kids could be just as snide then as they are now. I wanted to be flat...socks would not have helped unless I could pull them on over the offending appendages to minimize nipple alert on chilly days. Of course everyone caught up in high school (finally)but those after-gym showers were still an event!
I think the stuffing material of choice at my school was kleenex, but the phone book idea is a new one for me. Our main caution was to avoid at all costs sitting right next to the boy...that way you wouldn't be thrown into an embarrassing position on the MOB (move over baby) curves, which each guy managed to negotiate at least once every evening with just one hand on the wheel. Oh yeah, and always wear clean underwear...no...that was in case we got hit by a bus.
(And lord help us if we listened to Elvis!)

[ArkansasCyndi]

Sorry Ramona -

WARNING TO MOTB (men of the blog)...cross your legs before using my link! LOL

[Maryann Mercer]

Yikes! I got chills just looking at that...um...device. I second the cautionary warning :o)

[ramona]

Harley, since you are writing, I checked out the "get the butt that gets the stares" website for you. It's basically grandma panties with padding. Not bodacious.

On second thought, ArkansasCyndi, I may show that link to my sons, and their friends, next time it gets too quiet around the house.

[William Simon]

Elaine, as usual, hysterically funny. Now I know the truth about why I never got very far in high school. (Of course, EVERY OTHER GUY was screwing his brains out, except me... if one believed the locker room talk.)

Cyndi - you scare me. Truly.

[Rocco]

Ciao, Bellas!

Elaine - we must have lunch. I had no idea you followed these trends.

As for socks - ladies, beware - some men (less than honest men, needless to say) have been using socks and other fillers for years. Have you not seen the classic airport scene in "This Is Spinal Tap"?

As for the medieval chastity devices - let's be honest, sweethearts, how do you think all those fetish communities started?

Loving this blog. And just for the record, with Rocco, what you see is what you get, cupcake.

[bea]

I'm with Maryann--I didn't want to wear bras and did not understand why they were necessary. I was perfectly content with undershirts--and whatever happened to them, by the way? These are the sorts of things that make me feel really old.

Also, did anyone else ever hear of "training bras"? What the hell was that about? I never understood that, either.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Good thing my boss hasn't come in yet this morning. Just spewed coffee all over my desk.

Dear Hubby has been complaining that his rear hurts when he rides his motorcycle too long. Guess I should give him the link and maybe his problem will be solved! I have generously offered to have some of my ample backside transplanted into his nonexistant posterior, but the doctors wouldn't go for it.

[Elaine Viets]

Ah, training bras. They were a sort of "bra in waiting." Yes, I wore them, and got to sport bra straps under my clothes, just like the big girls. But I sure didn't need one for several years.
Rocco, I'm glad you are a natural man.

[Nancy Martin]

Pam!! You've just given me a brilliant idea for my motorcycling husband's Christmas gift! Thank you!

And looking at Cyndi's link--in the interest of research and maintaining my Trivial Pursuit championship status, of course---I found myself wondering about . . . rust.

[Maryann Mercer]

I was never quite sure what was supposed to be "trained", the girl or 'the girls'. Back then life was simpler. You either had padding or you didn't. At least until sophomore year. :o)

And Rocco, how about a picture for Harley so she can get on with her work? :o) Glad you dropped by!

[Marianne]

Well, I never had trouble with padding. Been curvy since puberty. Sigh. I'd love to be svelte and wear all of the things the models wear, let alone buy off the rack clothes.

At the moment, I have Dolly Parton proportions: 40DD. I wish I hadn't. I need to stick to my diet and exercise more. Sigh.

Oh, dear: padded underwear.

The funniest thing I read about 'socks' was the running joke from Terry Pratchett's novel 'Monstrous Regiment'. I reviewed it on my Muse du Jour blog some time ago, and reread bits of the book now and then. However, 'getting kicked in the socks' has whole new meanings for me now. :-D

Cheers
Marianne

[Pam aka SisterZip]

From Designing Women episode "Big Haas and Little Falsies" first aired Dec 12, 1988.

(They are discussing breast size)
Julia: Suzanne's had those as long as I can remember. She was born with them. Mother and Daddy and I used to sit around and just stare at them. It's just the spin of the ole' genetic wheel. I think I've been amply compensated.

Charlene: What's that mean?

Mary Jo: It means Suzanne got the boobs, and she (pointing to Julia) got the brains.

Suzanne: I don't think I like the turn this conversation has taken.

Mary Jo: Oh, c'mon big boobs/tiny brains, it's a story as old as the hills. I didn't write it.

Charlene: Mary Jo! I cannot believe you would even repeat that!

Mary Jo: Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just the Littlest Angel's way of kind of evening the score.

Suzanne: What's this Littlest Angel stuff anyway?

Mary Jo: It's the name of a training bra,
Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.

Suzanne: A training bra; you little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb.

[Tom]

Knocker-hating nuns; I had forgotten.

One of the 8th grade young ladies walked into class on a Monday morning . . . and before the lesson of the day even got under way, Sister Mary Prurience was yelling, "You! Take those OUT! Go take those OUT this minute!"

A good half of us couldn't figure out what happened. To this day, I wonder what ol' Prurience was doing looking at the young scholar's chest.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I went to a Lutheran school, but one of my all time favorite movies is "Trouble With Angels". Rosalin Russell used to scare the crap out of me! If the real nuns were anything like her...yee gads!

[michele martinez]

Hilarious blog and great discussion! It's nice to know we're a community of breasts before implants. We may be dinosaurs, though. My boys are growing up in a post-implant world.

[Elaine Viets]

Michele, I still remember my husband and my cousin sitting on the balcony of the beach house and saying, "Real." "Fake." "Fake." "Real."
I asked them what they were doing and they said they were watching women on the beach and trying to figure out who had real breasts and who had implants.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Well, I heard on the radio this morning that Hugh Hefner's #1 girlfriend, Holly, has been given the job of head of pinup picking for the magazine. It seems sales are down because, as Holly (oh, she of the bleached blonde hair and hugely fake, uh, breasts) so eloquently put it, "Men want a more choices in the women they look at. They are getting tired of all large breasted blondes. They want more, I guess the word is diversity." Go, Holly!

[Nancy Martin]

There's hope for civilization.