The Margie Manifesto

by Me, Margie, who is making one

Hi. It's me, Margie.

In response to a certain 'let's get Margie, she'll do anything' movement, I think it's time we worked out a platform for the TLC Party. Our logo will obviously be the lipstick smack up there on the left. It's a good logo because you can interpret it in many different ways. I think you know what I mean.

A manifesto, in case you don't know (okay, I looked it up because I liked the alliteration but had to make sure it didn't mean I was a communist or something) is basically an outline of what you believe - in our political process, it's called a platform. And don't say ya never learned anything from me.

Now, what do we stand for? Well, we WON'T stand for any bullshit. We WON'T stand for any holier-than-thou judgmental crap. I could go on, but I'm going to try to be positive.

Oh - and we need to be careful about what we are "Pro". Like these rods who say they are Pro - oh, let's say - butter. "I'm Pro-Butter! The Anti-Butter vortex of evil-doers is out to ruin America!" So then someone says: "But I like cream cheese" and then the Pro-Butter people say: "Why do you hate America?" In the meantime, the Pro-Butter people are secretly paying some wingnut overseas to make fake butter and they are all buying it and selling in in some back alley because they really believe that butter is crap and will kill you. But they don't want to say that because the Butter People have a big PAC or lobby or some damn thing and they've convinced these wipes that if you don't support the Butter Movement, then you are un-American.

See, that was just like, an analogy, because I happen to love butter, and I get real PO'd if I go to a restaurant and all they have is the fake shit.

Moving on.

We support sex. Lots of it. However you happen to like it. Like eggs - some people like scrambled, some people like sunny-side up, some people like three-minute eggs. Whateve. Stay away from kids and other helpless creatures, and don't make anyone have any eggs if they don't like them. Otherwise, yes. Yes, yes, and oh, gawd YES! Because we all know that people who are having sex are happier, peaceful people. And they don't have to play 'my rocket is bigger than yours' because their rockets are happy and just want to go to sleep now, thankyouverymuch. (Rocco helped me write this paragraph. Just saying.)

We support the Freedoms in the Bill of Rights. Speech, assembly, religion, all of 'em. We don't like it when some wingers try to take those away, even if they think it's for a good reason. The founding padres knew WTF they were doing, people. They did the whole king thing and it sucked. So they gave us some pretty basic rules to follow to stay king-free. And we are not doing jack shit to make sure everybody follows the rules. It's time to put the general back in the attorney general's office. And that general has only one commander - the Constitution. Plus, there should be a cool uniform. With boots. Nice boots always help.

We support our troops. Period. Here's what that does NOT mean: it does not mean that we can't ask freaking questions about what in the hell they are fighting for - or when they are coming home, or any other damn thing. I have had it with that crap.

We support choices. All kinds. Like, y'know, what kind of underwear you want to wear. Or not. Whatever. Here's a newsflash. We've got bigass problems, kids. We need to stop worrying about stupid shit like underwear. If you don't like somebody's thong, tell 'em, but don't waste my time trying to make a federal frigging case out of it. Seriously.

We support chocolate. Hear me out on this one. I don't like the smell of cigarette smoke. It gets in my hair and stays. But cigarettes are legal in the USA. Except not. I get the whole second-hand smoke thing, so don't start. But the next thing you know, there is no GD Nat Sherman in Manhattan any more. Which is a total crying shame. I already mentioned the butter thing. And there is the low-fat thing. Here's a clue - if you don't want to eat fat, don't buy the cupcake, dunce. But if I want a whole cake, then do not try to tell me I have to have a fat-free, sugar-free, carb-free, butter-free mess of sawdust. You do not want to get between me and my real cake, pally, and I'm not the only one. So we need to keep an eye on this trend because when they come for my chocolate, there will be tanks in the street. Crank up Les Miz, baby. The revolution's comin'.

Now I've got myself all jazzed up and I need some, um, yeah, chocolate. Maybe some good red wine too. Or champagne. Oh, yeah, that's the other thing - our TLC Party is the Party Party. Wait - that's too much. How about the Pursuit of Happiness Party?

Now, the floor is open for suggestions. (That means it's your turn.)

Comments

[Josh]

I stand for motherhood,
America,
And a hot lunch for orphans.

Channeling Carol Channing.

[William Simon]

Dearlord, Margie, you've done it again. I have a sneaking suspicion that Washington D.C. has NO idea what's about to hit.

[Nancy Martin]

Okay, this one's tricky, so somebody needs to help me dope it out. (Uh, that's not what I meant.) But i"m in favor of letting people read, watch and look at the things they want to read, watch and look at without a government censoring them. (Okay, but with Margie's caveat that nobody gets hurt like kids and helpless creatures.) At the same time, I don't necessarily want somebody else's questionable taste in my face. So I'd like the freedom, but I'd also appreciate people keeping their icky stuff to themselves and not plastering it on billboards where a 5-yr-old can see it or playing it on the radio or TV at inappropriate times. It's being aware of the sensibilities of others, and being considerate. Which we've totally lost, and yes, I know I sound like an old lady.

I'm also in favor of people coming to work on time, even on Fridays. Just saying.

[Katie]

Margie, when you rule the world, can you make it illegal for ex-boyfriends to email you out of the blue, especially when you have a brief due on Monday and are trying to concentrate so you can finish writing it? If possible, could you make it punishable by very long periods of incarceration, preferably in general population? Please?

[NancyJoy]

Margie, sign me up! I may be printing this up and handing it out on street corners.

P.S. I also support NPR, martinis and MORE COWBELL.

[michele martinez]

I want Clive Owen's picture on money. In color, please.

[Me, Margie]

Katie - now THAT is a program I can get behind - with a taser, I think.

[Me, Margie]

Hi. It's Me, Margie. Oh, look at the time - I'm here EARLY. Just saying, Miss Nancy.

I hit the post button too soon. That happens when people get excited. It's just never happened to me before. heh.

Josh - Carol Channing had a lipstick imprint that just wouldn't quit. Nice choice.

Nancy - it's called Tolerance. We support Tolerance. And we support Good Judgment. That's what keeps some doofus from putting a grotesque billboard on the same street where all the school buses drive every day.

NancyJoy - OMG - We are TOTALLY Pro-Cowbell! Because I've *gotta* have more cowbell!

Michele, honey, we are all about honesty here. And that is most certainly *not* where you want Clive's face, now is it?

[Nancy Martin]

Michele, Clive is British. So, you know, George Clooney's picture--preferably showing some pecs unless somebody finds that offensive--would be much more appropriate on the money.

[Josh]

Hamilton was French, and he's on American money. Washington, Franklin, Jefferson, others weren't United-States-American, technically. No reason we couldn't have competing money, as with quarters. Blond printed by some federal reserve banks, Clive by others. Lazenby, although I like him, would get the two dollar bill. Larry Craig could have the three dollar bill.

[Judy Larsen]

Can we have whoever's face we want on the money--I mean, hell, if people can order stamps with their grandma's photo, can I get Dennis Quaid (with dimples) on my 20s and Nancy can have George Clooeny's pecs on hers? It might even jump start the economy.

It'd be nice if as part of our manifesto we put something in about self-respect and turning playgrounds back over to the kids rather than the wingnut coaches who either expect every little soccer star to be the next Pele or else they take all the fun out of it by saying something stupid like "we don't keep score, everybody wins." Kids can count and know damn well who's winning. I guess I think learning how to lose with grace isn't taught much anymore.

And maybe we could figure out how to pay teachers more. Just sayin'

[Me, Margie]

Well, that settles that one. Josh - you wanna be Secretary of the Treasury or just in charge of the printing presses?

[Maryann Mercer]

Respect and decent pay for people in service intdustries...and retail. That teachers do a service goes without saying; this country needs to be reminded about some of the others.
Comfortable yet stylish shoes at a reasonable price in sizes 10 and above (this comes from the Big Foot branch of the Boot party)
Here's one I like. If someone is in a supervisory position they need to know how the hell to do the job of the person they are supervising (pardon me, my merger stress is showing).
And if we're talking pics on paper, how about Sean Connery on the $20 ? Oh...and if Josh doesn't want the Treasury Job, I'll take it under the alias of Robin Hood...you know, take from the filthy rich and spread it around.

[michele martinez]

Thank you, Josh, for pointing out that there is not one damn reason Clive can't be on money.

[Me, Margie]

Good ones.

Judy - so, we support kids being kids. This business of outlawing tag - get a clue. It's a game.

We also support people being paid based on what they do, rather than how much gold is involved.

With the Maryann Amendment: if you want to be the boss, you have to know how to do the job of the people you are bossing. Otherwise, you can just screw it up with some dumbass idea that looks good in a Power Point but makes no freakin' sense in real life.

And Footwear? The time has come. Two shoes in every box and so forth.

William - you are so right, and about damn time somebody shook things up in DC, don'tcha think?

[Harley]

Question: Where's our convention going to be and when?
Secondly, is Rocco going to do the hair for the First Lady and The Candidate/The Candidate and the First Man? So we don't have to spend time on Who Did The Candidate's Hair, and What's With The Headband and/or how much did THAT cost the taxpayer?

[Rocco]

Harley, sweetheart, not to worry.

Margie is correct, as usual - we don't need to be kvetching about things like hair. You put someone in charge who knows what he is doing and then you move on to more important things.

And the first person who tells me "Heckuva job, Rocky" gets one upside.

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

I know it's sort of implicit in a lot of what has already been suggested, but could we perhaps be explicit that grownups get to be kids, too, once in awhile? Like maybe they could work, you know, reasonable work days and have some days off when they don't have pagers and cell phones glued to their persons? And possibly vacations where they don't spend the whole time they're away worrying about the train wreck they'll face when they get back and what the boss will say and if they'll get fired and stuff? If nothing else, I'm pretty sure that would all lead to more sex, and we're all for that!

Good shoes for people with hard-to-fit feet who can't wear heels (but who have good legs, if they say so themselves) and a good hairdresser on every corner.

Margie, sign me up!

[Rocco]

Kerry, love, not on every corner. We'd just get in the way of so many working boys and girls.

Plus, a good hairdresser is something to cherish - so how about one in every neighborhood? And I could not agree more about the shoes. I mean, you ladies think you have a hard time finding shoes? Try to find a size 13C pump for a drag queen competition. It's a living hell.

Margie, be a dish and set up a Secretary of Shoes or something. This is an issue who's time has come. I cannot do shoes and hair - it's simply too, too much.

[William Simon]

Rocco, how about "My compliments, Mr. Mancini?" Would that be acceptable? I mean, coming from a SWG?

We have Megan's Law (riiiight... a creature who harms a child is going to give his real address... Um hmmm...) and we have advocates for GPS trackers on sex offenders (it won't stop them from doing what they do, but it will save time and expense in hunting for the bodies), SO I would like to submit for consideration an addendum called "TART'S LAW". It's really simple: Harm a child, and go away for Life. Envision the movie ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK; sequester an island, build really big walls around the shorelines to make sure no one can escape, harm a child, in they go. Survive or don't.

I'm thinking that could work....

[Me, Margie]

Kerry - ex-cellent!

We support getting a LIFE. Mandatory vacations. Where no one is allowed to interrupt you. It's called the 'figure it out, shithead and don't bug me while I'm trying to relax because you make me crazy' method of work.

Plus, of course, you nailed it on the sex as rec concept. Totally.

Rocco! Hi cutie! Glad to see you here. Calm before the Friday storm at the salon? I'll be there at 1:30 for nails and hair, so make sure nobody overbooks on me, 'kay?

[Nancy Martin]

Something must be done about the post office. 24 hour, drive-up windows with maybe slot machines in the lobby and a coffee bar. A bakery, too, with toffee blondies. And costumes. I want postal workers having fun in costumes. What about a disco night while we're at it?

[Pam aka SisterZip]

I'm in! Let's add:

1. Being responsible for your own actions, good or bad. If you f-up, admit it. It will surprise the heck out of everyone, that's for sure.

2. Accept the fact that if you can f-up, so can your kids. You are not your child's friend (until they turn 22, then maybe); you are the person charged with raising healthy, responsible, non-criminal people. DO IT!!!! I'm not saying people can't put their kids in daycare, either. I had to work when my daughter was young and it is possible to raise 'em right with daycare.

3. There is plenty of room on television (not cable or satelite...regular tv) for all sorts of programing. Family oriented stuff early in the evening is fine, but when 9pm (cst) hits, the kiddies should be in bed and let me watch my violence, sex (which we are all for, right), and language (sometimes the f-bomb is the only appropriate word) riddles shows in peace.

I could go on all day, but we do have to limit some of this stuff.

Great job, Margie! Just saying.

[Me, Margie]

Umm, has anyone checked on Nancy lately? I mean, she had all that noisy, dirty construction and that whole hair thing. Could be dicey. I mean, it's obviously not critical, because toffee blondies are totally amazing. Just saying.

Now - William - PERFECT! But why limit it to child predators? Let's throw the rapists in there too. You know, just to keep everyone...on their toes.

[sarahS]

Speaking of costumes, I want to bring back princess dresses and tiaras for everyday. Don't worry, William, I won't make you wear leggings. (Though you might at least try to keep an open mind!)Boas, also, can be worn to the office.

Also, these bank fees have to go.

Margie, two things:
A) Did you read that article about how even one drink of anything vaguely alcoholic - and that goes for your fave, sex-on-the-beach - leads to an increased risk in breast cancer?

B)Gustav's here, looking for you. He says he's the new UPS guy and that's why his whole body (and what a body!) is shaved and oiled, so he can go faster. But somehow I don't think he's talking about delivering packages.