The Fat Whisperer

by Michele Martinez

                                          

I'm not here to talk about body image or the pressure on women to look a certain way or anorexic starlets or who does or doesn't need to lose weight.  I'm not here to talk about whether I need to lose weight.  Just take it as a given that, ever since I returned from Canyon Ranch last spring I've been pretending to be on a diet.  I paid an excellent nutritionist good money to design this diet just for me.  I then proceeded to cheat on it every single day, while acting confused about why it wasn't working.

My husband was not confused.  "Are you seriously allowed to eat that salad?" he'd ask.  "With all that cheese, and the nuts you put on top, and the half bottle of dressing?  That salad is bigger than your head." "Hmmph.  That's all you know," I'd grumble. But as time went on, I couldn't argue with the results -- or the lack of them.  My husband didn't really care if I lost the weight or not, but he sure got sick of hearing me complain.  "Of course it's not working," he'd say, exasperated.  "You have no will power."

I decided to discuss the situation with Elvis, my trainer.  He's a serious guy who knows everything there is to know about fitness, and I figured he might have some insight.  "You want to lose weight," he said, "stop eating.  I can't help you with that.  All I can do is get you in shape."

Damn, I thought, you, too?  But I couldn't keep lying to myself.  It was obvious --I needed help.  I needed an outside influence, a source of motivation.  Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig crossed my mind.  But I'd already had the perfect diet plan, and I'd ignored and insulted and cheated on it.  What was to stop me from doing that again?  I needed more.  Somebody on the scene.  Somebody who couldn't be deceived.  Somebody who would force me to unlearn my self-destructive behaviors.  I needed . . . a Fat Whisperer. 

There was one obvious candidate for the job. 

"I'll only do it if you listen to everything I say," my husband said.  "You eat only what I give you.  No cheating.  And no backtalk."  "Backtalk?  Who?  Me??"

So this is the deal we made.  Thirty days, I eat what he says, no cheating.  If I stick it out, I get a nice prize, whether or not I lose one single pound.  You heard that right.  There is no specific weight loss goal, though he's convinced he can get me to lose big-time. What's in it for him?  Obvious.  He gets to tell me what to do.

The psychosexual politics of this diet are beyond. I'm letting my husband tell me what to do.  And not just about any old thing.  About what I eat, everything I eat, all day, every day.  And what I drink!  "Alcohol has a lot of calories," he says.  "You can have wine if we go out for a special meal."  NO WINE??  The "no backtalk" rule went out the window immediately.  The arguments are continual and not pretty.  But when push comes to shove, I back down.  After a particularly brutal one, where I took the disputed item and put it on my plate and swore up and down I was quitting the diet, eventually I calmed down and came to the table without it.  "Good," he said, "you blinked."

Have I mentioned that I've tried to trade sex for food?  But he refuses.  His reputation is at stake, he says.  (I think he's secretly writing a diet book.)

So why am I sticking this out?  Why haven't I quit and shoved the plate of dry salad greens back in his face?  As much as I hate to admit it, it's working.  We've been at it twelve days, and I've lost seven pounds!  So what do you think?  Could you go on the Husband Diet?

                                                                                                                       

   

Comments

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Wow. I'd say holy shit, but I'm afraid I might get bleeped.

Michele - you need to put this into a TV Pitch form - this could be the next hit reality TV show.

Could I do the husband diet? Even assuming I could do any diet, no way. None. There would be blood shed.

[Josh]

I would LOVE if my wife took up this thing. I could piggy-back on Jenny Craig (yes, back at it again), so I wouldn't have to do any of the hard work.

Of course, that would ruin my image of wanting all the women around me to be fat so that they are unattractive to other men.

[michele martinez]

That's what I thought, Kathy, and yet there's a built-in response of loving your oppressor. (Probably made easier by the fact that in this case I already loved him). I find it weirdly comforting not to have to decide what to eat.

Josh, this diet only works if the husband *isn't* in it to get the wife to lose weight. Otherwise it smacks too much of badgering. I honestly believe my husband didn't care about the pounds. He just wanted me to shut the #$%@ up.

If you do want to propose it to her, a tip --you're going to need a really really good prize.

[Susan]

Are you together 24/7? I'm only asking because my 15 year old daughter is currently on a diet (and yes, she really needs to be on a diet for health reasons) and she's very good eating only what I give her at home, but her downfall are the temptations that lurk beyond our front door when she's at school, with friends, etc. It's amazing what teenagers can consume when they are on their own in the world, and my daughter, unfortunately, hasn't been blessed with the metabolism of her friends who seem to be able to eat whatever they want, whenever they want without gaining a pound.

BTW, my husband always claims that he's happy to eat whatever I prepare for him, even it's only a salad and lean meat, and how my cooking is what made him fat, but you should see the whining that goes on at dinner these days now that we're in a weight-loss mode of eating for the sake of my daughter. I think he's been hitting the stash of cookies I have hidden away for my 6 year old. And if he thinks I haven't noticed the fast food wrappers in his car, he's dreaming.

[Laura (in PA)]

No way. That would be an absolute nightmare. We've both tried to lose weight over the years (I am there again), and the other person is very supportive, but offers no opinions whatsoever. It works better that way. If he was policing me, I'd degenerate into some whiny, insecure, "You think I'm fat!" child. He'd sneak to McDonald's and cover it up with breath mints.

Not sure what all that says about our relationship, but at least we're both aware of what definitely wouldn't fly.

I will admit, however, that for the first time, I started watching "The Biggest Loser", which started a new season last week. It's fascinating. And that one trainer (can't think of her name) is more than a fat whisperer. She's a psycho drill sergeant.

Congrats on your 7 pounds, Michele. Can I borrow your husband when you've reached your goal? I'd be much more likely to let him tell me what to eat than my own.

[Josh]

It isn't that I want her to lose weight. I just want her to be happy with herself, and I've been around her off-and-on diets for over 20 years. How many times over how many years can one say, "it isn't healthy to get on the scale every day" before one gives up? It'd be great if I could keep her from cheating.

By the way, at work Friday I was involved in an IM discussion with my secretary on how many calories are in the average, um, well, I don't know how to say it. The answer, according to some Harvard or Yale or Columbia website, is five to seven. No, I don't work in HR.

[Nancy Martin]

You have a trainer named Elvis? How cool is that?

[michele martinez]

A few thoughts on cheating --

Yes, Susan, Hubby and I are both working from home at the moment, so he's around a lot to monitor me. But when he's upstairs in his office and I'm downstairs in mine, would he know if I snuck some extra food? Probably not. The temptation is definitely there, because on this diet, it's not just eating ice cream or Doritos that counts as cheating. It's eating *anything* that he hasn't specifically said I can eat. I'm starving a lot of the time and I think, what harm could it do to sneak an extra pieve of 7-grain bread or a slice of turkey breast?

So why don't I cheat? Here's where the "Fat Whisperer" chemistry kicks in. You need somebody who has a credible claim to being all-knowing. My husband is one of those very observant people. He's also -- after a career as a high-powered New York lawyer -- wise to the ways of those who would sneak and cheat. Somehow I just believe that he would catch me, no matter how careful I was, and that keeps me honest.

[michele martinez]

Laura, I think my husband is secretly fantasizing about starting a new career doing this for women around the U.S. So yes, probably you can borrow him.

Josh, I'm not even going near your IMs with your secretary or your comment about not wanting the women in your life to lose weight so they won't be attractive to other men. Let's just hope your wife isn't reading today.

[ramona]

If my husband and I were both working at home, I'd be on the Insanity Diet. I don't know if I'd lose any weight, but I'd definitely lose my mind!

[William Simon]

The Easiest Diet in the World
by Chiun, Master of Sinanju
(from the series THE DESTROYER by Richard Sapir and Warren Murphy)

1) Decide the weight you wish to be;

2) Adjust your diet and exercise until that goal is achieved.

Sounds incredibly simple, doesn't it?!?!?

[michele martinez]

Unfortunately, William, that IS the answer. Wish it weren't so. Oh, and you left out this part -- stay on that diet forever or you *will* gain all the weight back.

Ramona, for me the big adjustment was giving up my *real* office when I stopped practicing law. It's not having the hubby around that feels so oppressive, it's having no second realm in my life to go to to get away.

[Maryann]

Wow. Talk about timing. All things considered, the Husband Diet would NOT work in my house unless we were aiming for lots of yelling. I am however beginning The Reasonable Diet classes tomorrow. The cool thing is that we pick a plan that works for us (I'm doing Richard Simmons because I like the little click when those windows close...makes me feel pro-active or something)and we also get weight counseling to find out what triggers the overeating and what to do about it. Will I cheat? I hope not, but if I do, I know what I'll cheat with...pretzels! Having to be accountable to someone is what my program is about, and it sounds like you've got that part already Michele :o) Great job so far by the way!

[Harley]

Oh, my goodness.

In my case, this would have to be the Soon-to-be-Ex-Husband Diet, and somehow, I have my doubts about it working out. I dunno, maybe I'm being overly pessimistic here.

[Harley]

But Michele? I think your courage, as always, is STUNNING.

[Karen Olson]

My husband is an enabler. He could definitely never be a Fat Whisperer. Hat's off to your husband, and you for sticking with this!

[ramona]

Michele, thank you. You hit it square about missing the second realm of your life. Working at home is a treat when it's short term, but do it for 17 years and it can be such a challenge. You're not really "in the office" but you're never really out of it, either. I have grown to hate my house--and it's a perfectly nice, inoffensive house--with absolute passion because I'm always stuck in it.

[SarahS]

OMG - this is insane! This would drive me nuts on so many levels.....

I've been thru WW and so have my friends. The most successful ones on the program have found a leader they really click with. But that leader has to be motivational and she has to have *been* there. Has hubby ever been fat?

This reminds me of husbands who used to put their wives on allowances. I know you asked for it, but as someone who has spent her life on a diet (starting with those awful teen years) I can tell you that I started to resent the person who put me there, i.e. my mother.

There's a deeper psychological dynamic going on here and this is my best guess: You are a fabulously successful woman and have been since a very young age. Still, with success and achievement comes responsibility. And responsibility means decisions every single day. Decisions are exhausting. (Ask anyone who'se renovating a home.) So....having your husband make decisions for you about the most basic function - eating - is actually a relief.

And most 7-grain bread has as many grams of fat and sugar as a cookie. But this thing about wine having calories? Total nonsense.

[michele martinez]

Good for you, Maryann! Sounds like you're onto something that's working for you. I'm telling you, when the diet works, it's a beautiful thing.

Harley, I'm sure your soon-to-be-ex is causing you to lose plenty of weight. That's what we call the Big Jerk Diet.

Ramona, as usual you and I are on the same page.

[William Simon]

I know, Michele, the trick is staying with it.

I decided I was going to quit smoking AND lose weight. I've lost 20 lbs. since Thrillerfest, am still struggling with the cigarettes (from 25-30 a day to maybe 2-3 a day SOUNDS good, but I'm one of those obsessive types; either I quit completely or I've failed totally.)

If God was Fair, a fully loaded Pizza would have 2 calories, and a stick of celery would have a jillion....

[Josh]

Harley,

Wouldn't be more fun if you could put him on a diet? "Just this little box of Wheat Thins, honey. What's a little swelling of the esophogal canal? Just lie there, and it will go away. Have another delicious Whole Wheat Triscuit to help."

If it were he, you would be having a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, and you be enjoying it, damn it!

[ramona]

I feel sorry for Harley's husband. He is embarking on the I Lost Harley Diet. I would never want to go on that one.

[ramona]

I'm sorry, I hope that wasn't too personal, Harley.

Although, thinking back, I wonder if there is anything too personal for TLC?

[michele martinez]

Sarah, you're so right, it's a relief to give up control about something so basic. But I'm not sure you have the reason right. For me, whenever I get on agood diet that's really working and I start feeling really happy with my weight, like I am now, I get really scared of losing the momentum. I get afraid of food. So having the filter of someone else telling me what's okay and what's not takes that fear away.

[michele martinez]

William -- bravo for you!! You're too hard on yourself. You deserve a HUGE pat on the back to've lost that weight and virtually quit smoking at the same time. I mean, who does that?

You have a future as a Fat Whisperer.