Sleepy, Wakey, Dreamy, Snorey, Grumpy, Loopy and Doc

By Rebecca the Bookseller

I used to sleep. I know I did. The memory is hazy as time goes on, but I know it happened. I was never a heavy sleeper, but I did sleep through the night.

Then I had children. Some children sleep like little angels, for hours at a time. Not mine. Never did, and still don't. So I blame childbirth for starting this mess. Then, another thrill - menopause, where insomnia is rivaled only by the hot flashes as the most dreadful symptom. The medical answer to this? Hormones. No thank you. I think we all know how well that worked out for the last two generations of women, don't we? So, sorry Doc, I'll take the fatigue.

Then, and I'm not sure how this happened, I started to snore. Not all the time, but enough to make a difference. Know how I am sure that I snore (in addition to my husband, who can give a chain saw a run for its money)? Because sometimes I snork myself awake. That's right. I wake myself up - at first, it was like one of those falling off a cliff things - jarring. Now, I just roll over. I am currently trying one of those non-snore pillows, but so far it's only given me a stiff neck.

Yes, I tried all the conventional wisdom for insomnia - use the bed only for sleep; get up and go to bed at the same time day after day; avoid caffeine; take a hot bath, blah-blah-dee-blah-blah-blah. It's all crap.

So now I take naps. But I can't power nap - like my doctor friends, who can, no kidding, fall asleep sitting bolt upright in a chair during half time of the Steeler game and then pop right back into the conversation. I'm looking at you, Mitchell. If I nap for any less than an hour, I feel hungover. And a hangover with no preceding funny memories is a very sad state of affairs.

Here is the fun part of all this - my dreams have changed. They're better -and get this - I can change them. Not all the time, but lots of times. It occurs when I find I'm in some kind of place where I know I'm dreaming, and I can change the direction of the dream, or extend it, or make it end. Very cool. I didn't tell anyone about this because, frankly, I thought it was probably some kind of delusional state that has a diagnostic name that can get you locked up for 72 hours. But then, I read about something called Lucid Dreaming - and guess what? It's a real thing, and not just my personal psychotic manifestation. So I got that goin' for me, which is nice.

Because I'll tell you, the dreams are pretty passionate. And not just sexual - although those are wonderful. But I can do that in real life, thankfully. So it's the violent ones that I enjoy the most. Do you know how many jagoffs I have beaten to a bloody pulp with my own hands? Lots. Sometimes, I just let the dream wheel spin and see who gets the smack-down. But sometimes, I substitute someone who really deserves it. You know, like those smirky people on TV who think they can get away with anything. Oh, the fun I've had with them, wiping that smirk off with a nice roundhouse kick to the schnozz. Good times. Because in my dreams, I could take Chuck Norris. Blasphemy? Blow it out your ear. If this is the only upside to insomnia, I'm taking it and running. Running right over anyone who gets in my way. And leaving a mark, too. Ahhh, catharsis, thy name is kickass.

There are studies about this Lucid Dreaming, and even classes you can take to learn how to do it. I sure as hell can't explain it, but I'm not going to question it. And here is why you shouldn't question it either - because people who are sleep deprived tend to be very grumpy, to say nothing of loopy. And grumpy people tend to take it out on other people. This way, I express lots of aggresssion on schmucks who really deserve it, without felony charges. It's really a win-win situation.

Sweet Dreams!

Comments

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Sorry I missed the discussion - I have the September flu, which comes every year when I am around kids who get sick and bring their germfests to school, where they happily share with everyone.

Thanks for the advice - and I do have friends with sleep apnea. I am considering one of those sleep clinics. How weird is that though - people watching you while you sleep. I hope I don't beat any of them up....

[Josh]

Pam, you should try marijuana. One of my many doctors has told me that it has the same calming function as Xanax, and I understand that if it is inhaled, it works considerably faster. Plus, if you are fiddling with that bong and lighter, it will make it harder for your husband to walk into that knife, ten times.

OTOH, I can walk three blocks to the Happy Harry to get Xanax, but I don't want to walk (or drive after dark) the seven blocks the other direction to where I think I could get marijuana (and rolled and carjacked).

[Pam aka SisterZip]

Well, with asthma, mj just doesn't work too well. And I would put on another 10lbs that I don't need. lol.

[ramona]

Josh, do you hear that sound? It is the sound of your children printing out your above comment to wave around when you find a bong in your basement.

"But, Dad, we were inhaling it as a sleep aid, honest!"

[Nancy Martin]

Josh, your comments today have explained so much.

[Mary]

I took kava kava for a while for insomnia. I've since read that there can be blood pressure problems, but it was the right amount of relaxation for me. Even half a unisom would have me sleepy the whole next day.

[Gina]

I finally had to get a prescription sleep aid. I actually am able to sleep through my night sweats. Amen, to that!

[Benjamin]

Anyone who wants to tell me that socialized medicine is bad can kiss my exhausted butt. I have been trying to get a bi-pap machine for months and I have insurance!