Aunt Margie's Story Time: The Snow Whiters

By Me, Margie

Well, it's back to school time, and I thought I would share a little story I told my teenage nieces and nephews at a family picnic last weekend. I hope you enjoy it as much as they did, and maybe learn something too.

Once upon a time, there were girls and boys who were growing up. Their bodies were starting to change, and their brains were changing too. Instead of spending time memorizing the HSM2 soundtrack or counting down to Halo 3 Special Edition with Commemorative Helmet, they were thinking about other boys and girls and their underwear.

We’re all remembering to wear our underwear, right? It’s a good idea and it’s a healthy idea too. Because we just don’t know what might be on that seat on the school bus, do we?

What? Well, yes, Aunt Margie sometimes wears Commando Patches, but that is because Aunt Margie is a grown up and never ever rides the bus. And after story time, you and I will discuss the fact that you have been in Aunt Margie’s dresser again, okay? We need a reminder about personal space and privacy, I think. We really don’t want to have to discuss this with your mother, do we? I mean, I think we all remember what happened the last time you asked your mother about something from Aunt Margie’s nightstand.

Any way, the boys and girls who were growing up had to deal with new feelings and urges to do things that their parents and other authority figures told them were very, very wrong. Most of these things had to do with sex. Yes, we are all old enough to use that word. There is nothing bad about sex. Well, sometimes there is, but we’ll save that discussion for our story about Stanley Steroids and Quick Draw McGraw, okay?

Sex is not bad. But having sex when you are not ready is a bad idea. Getting a nasty disease that you can have for the whole rest of your entire fuh – uh - freaking life is very bad. And getting pregnant at your age is very, very, very bad. Yes, I know all about Uncle Bruno and Aunt Vi, but they are the exception, and plus it settled a big turf war back in the day. Probably saved some lives. Moving on.

Now, some boys and girls are very confused. They join clubs and make pacts about abstinence. Let’s call them the Snow White Clubs, okay? Yes, I know Snow While lived with seven short men, but there was no funny business going on there. Those seven guys were old – remember the beards? And there was no pill for that back then, okay, so drop it.

So, the Snow White Clubs are made up of people who make a pledge to each other and I don’t know who else, not to have sex. Which is a fine idea.

But here is the thing. We all know some of these Snow Whiters are some of the biggest sluts around. I mean, these kids will joink anything that moves, as long as it’s not straight up missionary. That is totally wrong and it’s idiotic. Sex is more than just vaginal penetration by the penis. OK, yes, those are the real words. If you are old enough to be checking them out, you’re old enough to call them what they are. Pull it together.

All that other stuff – oral sex and anal sex and whatever other place you can think of to put it sex – it’s all still sex. No, I don’t care about the former President. You are all old enough to know that just because someone is elected up in this mess of a government doesn’t mean he or she is smart or honest, okay?

You have to think for yourself. I mean, come on --- Betty Blowjob up the street cannot run around flashing her chastity ring and calling herself a real virgin, okay? And the other points of entry? I don’t know what these girls are thinking.

And as far as going downtown – you have to ask yourself – who else has been there? Because a crowded downtown area is trouble. Heavy traffic is not good – it’s not like a full-up nightclub, which can be fun. It’s more like a jam-packed bus with standing room only and the air conditioning isn’t working and the guy next to you has some kind of religious objection to bathing, okay? It’s bad. Wait for the next bus. Or drive yourself.

So let’s use some basic common sense. If you feel like you are ready for a physical relationship, then have at it. But don’t go coming around here with this righteous, holier-than-thou attitude just because you’re not using the front door, okay? Seriously. It doesn’t matter if you come in the front door or the side door or the kitchen window or down the chimney like Santa Freakin’ Claus, kids. If you’re in the house, you are in the house, hear me?

Okay, here comes your Aunt Pruneface, who obviously hasn’t had anyone in her house for about fifty years, not even on the front porch, I’ll bet, if you get my drift, so let’s wrap this up.

The end.

Comments

[Lynn]

What a way to wake up. Bedtime stories by Auntie Margie.

[Josh]

Where's the link to Melanie Martinez?

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=189798&fr=

And, more famously:

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?ei=UTF-8&gid=160392&vid=189799&b=0

Okay, off to Ten Things That Every Attorney Should Know About Contract Law.

[William Simon]

I know it's the cliche of cliches, but where were these girls when I was in high school?!?!?!?

[Liz Clifford]

I'm just going to save this for when my daughter is a little bit older. It will save a lot of time and 'splaining on my part.

Right now she is between boyfriends. She told me she isn't in a hurry to get another one because she doesn't want to have a baby at the moment. She is 8. You can see why I will be putting this gem in my file for later.

[Maryann]

Good thing I have my tea safely on the other side of the computer :o)
Hey, if it were up to me, I think I'd insist a copy of this be handed out to every fifth grader in America. Best sex talk I've ever heard,seen or read. Good job, Margie :o)

[Maryann]

Of the instructional variety I mean...or did that go without saying?
And William, they were there(usually in the girls' bathroom touching up between classes) :o) In my day, 'under the bleachers' was where the action was :o)

[Nancy Martin]

Oh, Lord. I just came into the office and found Margie's notes for the rest of this blog. Rainbow parties??

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

I'm so glad I've learned to save the sips of coffee until *after* I've read Margie's blogs. Margie, you are my total hero, and not only because of your astonishing ability to maintain your metaphors for so long without mixing them all up.

For a quick statistical summary of what's going on with teens these days, check out http://www.childstats.gov/americaschildren/beh4.asp. Some of it is actually good news.

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Good grief.

Nice to see Margie back on the blog, but why isn't she in the office? I thought that 'I'm taking the month of August off, like the Europeans' was a joke.

I'll take the Rainbow Party question. I spent a very illuminating (read: horrifying) couple of hours with some neighbors at the beach learning all about the current state of teenage sex trends. Apparently some of these have been around for years. But I still remember when getting to second base in the back seat of the car was a big deal, so what do I know?

Brace yourself. A Rainbow Party is when each girl chooses a distincitve color of lipstick. The winner will be the girl who's lipstick marks the most boys. And I don't mean like a TLC lipstick smack on the cheek. I am talking about a much more private part of the boys' anatomy.

This stems from the fact that these kids do not view oral sex as 'real sex' - it's just messing around. Kind of like getting to 2nd base used to be.

And just in case you aren't upset by that, stay with me. There has been a dramatic rise in the incidence of STDs - but not genital. It's now occuring in the mouth. Of both genders. Equal opportunity and so forth.

I was totally freaked out by this, and immediately had an updated "talk" with my kids, just so we were clear.

What in the hell is going on?

Kerry - I tried your link, thinking it might cheer me up, but it didn't work. I'm going to try the core website and see if I can find it. But just in case, if you pop back over, please check it out - maybe it's just my Mac.

[ramona]

Rebecca, "rainbow party" has more than one popular meaning. Sometimes, it's about the colors of the condoms. As in, "a well-prepared girl/boy always carries a rainbow" to a party.

The other "Rainbow Party" refers to a YA novel that caused a stir (no pun intended) not long ago. In it, girls were planning a deflowering party, and the book was about the hours leading up to it. The plan was, each girl was given a tube of lipstick. By the end of the night, each boy would be wearing a rainbow. And, presumably, a smile.

I hang around a lot of teens. Days like this, I wish I didn't.

[Harley]

Oh, my God. I wish I were the type that could homeschool the kids--these comments are blood-curdling!

That said, Margie, I too am saving this blog. I think my kids are safe for the moment, being in Kindergarten, Kindergarten and 2nd grade, but I could be wrong.

[Sue]

I wish I was shocked, but I'm not. I overheard some middle school girls talking in the bleachers several years ago. They were naming names of the 13-14 year old football players they had and hadn't had the pleasure of serving. It didnt' seem to bother them that they were surrounded by the parents of said boys.

Needless to say we had a long talk with the kid then and several since, but dangit....how the hell do you know your talks did any good? You can't follow your teen everywhere. My knees are sore...and not from the same reason the girls' knees are...I've been praying a lot.

Our high school made the kids sign a pledge not to dirty dance at school dances, and then they turned right around and glorified the star football player who was a baby daddy at 17...and damned proud of it. Mixed messages are everywhere. I am so glad I'm not a kid today. It's rough.

[Nancy Martin]

Talk about mixed messages:

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/07236/811873-100.stm

[ArkansasCyndi]

Margie - Freaking fabulous sex talk. Now, about those commando patches??

The way some of the kids get around, the bus analogy is a great description..think of kissing the floor of said bus. Now, think about rainbow parties (lipstick). Ummm yuck.

I remember when I was in high school ('70's) and hearing about a group of ninth graders all planning on bringing their babies to school on the same day so they could show them off.

Glad that: 1) I'm not a kid today; and 2) don't have a teen to deal with.

Great post, Aunt Margie. And you're right, once "he's" in the house - via the front dor, back door, or attic- IT'S SEX

[Esther]

According to my neighbor, who's a middle-school teacher, a rainbow party around here means that there are two bowls of colored bracelets sitting at the door of the party - one for boys, one for girls. Each picks a bracelet, then has sex with whoever has the matching color.

[Pam aka SisterZip]

My 23 year old daughter is even starting to be shocked by some of the sexual antics of todays kids. I started talking to her at age 10. I tried to convince her to hold off until she was older (say 40 or so) and able to handle the emotional end of the 'sex' thing. Scary times to be a girl. The guys still don't seem to suffer as much.

[ramona]

I'm wondering why we aren't hearing from any dads with daughters today.

Oh, wait. They're probably all busy building fortresses.

[Sue]

I don't have any girls, but I *have* spent the morning seeing how much it would cost to laminate my nearly 17 year old son....

[Pam aka SisterZip]

My 34 year old stepdaughter is just now realizing what it will be like for her when my 5 year old grandaughter hits adolescence. And she is terrified. I just sit & laugh because she put all of us through hell at 15...16...17.

[Katherine C.]

Holy hell!!!! What is wrong with kids these days (asks the wise, 26-year-old crone). I have joked a few times that the average 8th-grader has more experience with boys than I do, but to find out it's beyond true — I'm not certain which definition of rainbow party I find more disturbing — all I have to say is eeewwwww! When I was 12, boys still had cooties. Some of them were kinda cute, but they had cooties. If I ever get to have kids, I'm starting my own convent .... and membership for them will be compulsory. Makes me want to grab my 4-year-old nephew and his baby sister and run far, far, far away, to a place where kids are still kids and act like it.

[Josh]

I do not believe those rainbow party stories. I think that they are urban legends, like when we used to answer the sex surveys in high school with completely outrageous things. Nothing like that is going on at (girls) Ursuline, but maybe at (girls) Padua, and most definitely at that den of iniquity (coed) St. Marks. I shudder to think of what might be going on at (boys) Salesianum, especially as I know someone who did not have a healthy relationship with a priest there back in the '70's.

But, as I think I have said before, it would not have mattered how easy any of the girls were, they would not have been easy for me. Or is it "to" me?

[Elaine Viets]

Margie,this is hilarious.
(Ouch)
Sister Mary Chandelier is looking over my shoulder and hitting me with her ruler.
Elaine
who is undoubtedly going straight to hell, where she will see lots of her friends.

[Elaine Viets]

I know it's the cliche of cliches, but where were these girls when I was in high school?!?!?!?
Er, William, when my husband asks that question, I say, "They weren't born yet."
Elaine

[ramona]

Josh, I've got a newsflash for you. I know kids at all of those schools. There's nothing happening at Sallies that isn't happening at Ursuline and Padua. Oops, make that WITH Ursuline and Padua....

[Sandy]

Oh my gosh - Margie, why the hell aren't you writing books? You are hilarious! Loved this post - and thank GOD my "boys" are grown now. But I mean it Margie - please sit your butt down and write a book!

By the way, I LOVE this blog - or is it grog? Anyway, I love it. I'll be looking for the books by all of the authors!