Lions and Tigers and Bears (Oh, My!)

by Michele                                          

Ah, summertime.  The porch furniture is out.  The flower pots are planted.  The weather is fine.  I should be kicking back and having a margarita.  I should be relaxing and enjoying myself.  Instead I'm paralyzed with fear and dread. I can't sleep at night because my kid is leaving for summer camp.  He's been there before.  I know he'll have a great time.  But I'll suffer every minute he's out of my sight, because this crazy world feels so full of peril for a child that the only way to allay my anxiety would be to lock him in a padded room and never let him out. 

What perils do I imagine during my sleepless nights?  Oh, let's see.  Kidnapping by a crazed stranger.  Mass shootings like Columbine or Virginia Tech.  Strange hazing rituals that leave children dead or injured.  Shark attacks.  Poisonous spiders -- thank you for that one, Sarah, hadn't thought of it before! ;-).  Molestation, of course, especially by the authority figures we entrust our children to.  Drunk drivers.  Tainted food, in particular the green vegetables that we beg our kids to eat.  Meningitis, TB, bird flu.  Blah blah blah.  This is only a partial list.

I am sick and tired of all the things we're supposed to be afraid of, but when it comes to my kids, I can't seem to shut off the obsessive refrain in my head.  Or maybe it's that I don't shut off the t.v. or stop reading the paper.  Wherever I turn, I'm bombarded with images of missing or murdered children.  Most recently, little Madeline McCann disappeared after having been left sleeping in her hotel room in Portugal by her parents, who'd gone to have dinner in the hotel restaurant.  Of course we tell ourselves we'd never be so careless.  But ironically, according to some reports, Madeline's parents chose that route because they were afraid to trust their children to an unfamiliar local babysitter.  Now, that's the kind of paranoia I can understand and sympathize with.  And yet she got kidnapped anyway.  What does that tell us, if not that we should never let our children out of our sight?   

But it turns out that never letting our children leave home isn't enough to keep them safe.  Look at Jessica Lunsford, stolen from her own bed while her family slept around her.  Elizabeth Smart, too, though thankfully she was recovered alive.  Can any moment be truly free of fear?  Do we need to live this way?  How much of this is real?   Do any of us know anybody who this has happened to or is it just a few isolated instances blown way out of proportion?   Statistics are hard to come by.

These fears not only pervade our culture, they shape the way we raise our children.  I want my kids to be able to ride their bikes to the town pool and hang out with their friends.  At what age can I let them do that?  With the level of anxiety I have, I'm thinking maybe sixteen.  But maybe that's too early.  Maybe twenty-five.  Better for them to grow up terrified and constrained than for me to become one of those parents on the t.v. news, begging for the safe return of my child.  Not really, but sometimes I can't help thinking that way.

We've become the Anxiety Society.  How many days of reporting did we get on Virginia Tech?  And how voyeuristic was that?  Paula Zahn literally saying "From where I'm standing, I can hear the sound of students sobbing."  Is that journalism or is it just sick?   What good does it do us?  Does it achieve anything other than making us crazy?

I know, I need to relax.  I need that margarita.  Or to go to the beach.  But of course, being crazy like I am, I'd just be watching the waves for any sign of a fin.

                                                       

   

Comments

[Sheryl]

Mine is graduating from high school tomorrow... he's a good kid with a head on his shoulders. He's better about many things than I was at his age.

I'm determined NOT to be a 'helicopter' parent. But I still worry.

Sigh... pass the salt!

[Josh]

Wait until they start to date, or to drive, or to, well, whatever.

If you are lucky, one of their friends' parents will be dealing, and then you can get enough dope to get you through. Sure, I'm nervous when I take my son out with his newly-minted learner's permit, but those bong hits beforehand make my experience not only much more relaxing, but exceedingly funnier. At least, for me.

[Antigonos]

You know, it's odd, but here in Israel, where, if one believes the news on foreign channels, we live in a constant state of total war, with a suicide bomber on every corner and bus, my kids always walked the streets, I sit in my living room with the front door open and watch the lemon tree grow, and I just don't have those fears. True, I bought them pay-as-you go (I wasn't dumb enough, or rich enough, to allow them a line so they could spend 23 hours a day yakking) cellphones so I could check whether they'd been blown up or not, but far greater was my fear of any of us crossing the street. At the height of the intifada, you were twice as likely to "offed" by a maniacal Israeli driver than by a terrorist.

As they are now 27, 25, and 23, and all survived the army, my biggest worries are that the girls will remember to take their Pill every day, and that my son doesn't bring home a shiksa.

[Harley]

Oh, Michele! I feel your pain.

My best friend is going through a painful divorce and recently discovered her ex has been abusing their two sons. They cling to her neck and scream and beg her not to make them go to his house for the weekend visits. Her whole life is about getting full custody of them, but meanwhile, she has to send them to him every other weekend, plus Wednesdays, plus alternate holidays.

What gets her through this is a spiritual belief in a power greater than herself.

Michele, your boys are going to be fine. And you too.

[Liz Clifford]

Well thanks Michele! Our daughter is off at camp and we were worried that this might be the age when young girls start being vicious to each other. Now we have to worry about poisonous spiders, too?

As we were settling her in, I was marveling that they no longer had outhouses with snakes in them. Not like the old days, I muttered, uphill both ways to the snake infested outhouse in the dark.

But I know what you are talking about. Our culture has taught us to be afraid for our children by example. My mother and I have talked about the differences between how I was raised and how we are raising our daughter. There is so much more fear out there.

But bad things did exist then, too. My aunt, now 60, was out playing with a friend and came back without her. My grandmother asked where she was and my aunt said she went with Mr. so-and-so down the block to his house. My grandmother marched down to his house, barged in, told the little girl it was time to go home and left with her. Apparently, everybody on the block know Mr. so-and-so was not to be left alone with children.

[William Simon]

The Joys of Parenthood.....and I MISSED all this?!?!?!

Those who know me well have agreed it is in all probability a good thing I never was a father. Someone recently told me I would have been the father of the only pre-schooler with her own Concealed Carry Permit. I have often said I would not be a controlling father, that my daughter could date anyone she chose to, right after she graduated Harvard Law/Harvard Medical, or turned 30, whichever came first.

Had I been blessed with a son, well, that would have been different. Then I'd have been the father of the only six year old awarded a 5th degree Black Belt and a bazooka in his backpack.

Daughter or son, serious consideration would have been given to surgically implanted miniature GPS devices that could only be removed upon my death at the age of 97.

(shrug) Sounds reasonable to me....

[Josh]

Yes, things existed back when. I have an acquaintance who is in her mid-80's. She used to take public transit in her large city to some activity (dance lessons, maybe). One day when she was around 12, the driver molested her. She didn't tell her mother, because she knew that her mother wouldn't let her continue the activity.

And Harley, I don't know that I could handle what your friend is. And what are you doing up at 5:40 Eastern Time?

[Joyce Tremel]

Michele, I feel your pain, too and my boys are 23 and 19. It does get better, but the fear that something terrible could happen never goes away. When my oldest goes away anywhere, he still calls to let us know he got to his destination safely. I guess he figured it's better than having his paranoid mom calling him every five minutes.

My kids never went to camp. They would have been fine, but I don't think I would have survived it!

[michele martinez]

Great comments, all! Funny, I was expecting all these shouts of "you're too paranoid," but instead I'm learning that everybody else is as paranoid as me, probably for good reason.

Interesting point that a lot of bad stuff used to happen and not get talked about, especially molestation. Silence isn't better, is it? Parenting was so different when we were growing up, and that wasn't necessarily a good thing. I can't tell you how many of my friends who grew up in NYC got mugged repeatedly in the 70s and are traumatized by it to this day. They were all out riding the subways and walking alone at really young ages.

[Cinema Dave]

Fear is a powerful motivation and it can lead to the dark side, at least that is what Master Yoda said. Except that he would have said it backwards.

One of the most valuable lessons that I learned is not to watch the news before I go to bed, no matter what - it will be bad news.

Similiar to what Antigonos what wrote; sometimes I watch local news and it is a nightly war zone in West Palm Beach or Fort Lauderdale or Miami. I have friends who visit Israel regularly and they have yet to tell a violent travel story.

To illuminate the wisdom of Master Harley;
"Having a spiritual belief in a power greater than oneself does deflate the stress of fear."

[Nancy Martin]

Okay, I'll say it, Michele. You're too paranoid. But then, I'm from the parenting school that let my kids fall and scrape their knees on the playground so they'd learn what's dangerous for themselves and gave a clear idea of the consequences.

Plus I'm thinking Antigonos has put it in persepctive.

But I grew up in a rural area, and so did my kids. Perhaps in the city you feel less capable of creating your own safety?

[Nancy Martin]

Get out the snow shoes. I think Dave and I agree on something. Except the Yoda part. When I start quoting Yoda, William, get somebody to shoot me.

[michele martinez]

Oh, I want to be told I'm paranoid. That's definitely preferable to believing the world is as dangerous as it feels.

[j renee stuart]

Sadly, last week a nine year old boy was killed at a nearby boy scout campground when a totem pole fell on him. Add totem poles to the list of sharks, poisonous spiders, etc... Me ? I'm opting for the Higher Power thingy.

[Nancy Martin]

See? If we're not careful, we're going to spend the day listing all the terrible ways people can suffer. Human beings are smart and resilient. We don't need guardian angels. Well, some of us do. Summer camp is a great experience! I learned more about how to get along with people at summer camp than anywhere else. And skunks! I learned all about skunks!

[Cheryl]

This is such an interesting thread, especially in relation to yesterdays blog. Yesterday I kept thinking about what emotional tools I can give my girls to avoid the jerk, who can be just as destructive as a random act of violence.

Then I spoke with a friend with a 2 month old in Brooklyn about overly insulated kids. In conversation, I remembered having a job in highschool that was a good 4 mile bike ride away. My route involved 3 scary moments that I dreaded each day. I went under a rail road underpass (hole dug under rail line), rode past a factory that involved cat calls (very intimidating for a sweet young thing) and crossed a major 4 lane road. Current conventional wisdom would have parents driving or not taking the job. Ultimately it was a good thing, if fostered my independence.

So once again, my question is what can I do for my girls. My intention (a page from William) is to get them some good martial arts training. Between being in touch with their inner bitch (inherited from mom) and physical skills, they should be safe in most situations. I can't eliminate the random stuff. I just want them to have a decent shot at enjoying the world.

[Maryann]

I still worry about Cath (and now Kip) and she's beyond childhood by a decade or so. You can't imagine my fears when Kip's job took them to New Orleans! First three months they were there? Two hurricanes. For the second one (admittedly only a Force 2)I worried until Cath called me and told me they'd gone to the neighbors to watch the tree limbs sail by and have a glass of wine. Imagine how I felt when they missed Katrina by only two weeks! I've decided it's genetic, and only passed to alternate generations and oldest siblings.
Cath went to Girl Scout Camp for two summers, back when there were outhouses and raccoons who loved to sneak in the open air 'tents' and eat the snacks I sent. I did however, pre-address and stamp 10 postcards, which she dutifully sent. I still have them :o)
Worrying is part of the parental job description. So is paranoia :o)

[j renee stuart]

Uh...Nancy ? *I* need guardian angels. Unless Ramona wants to lend me that Bond guy.

[Karen Olson]

I remember my mother never knowing where I was when I was a kid. We lived on a cul de sac and there were about 15 kids and we all moved from yard to yard, riding bikes, playing in the street. I used to ride my bike to the beach when I was 13.

Now I live on a cul de sac and no one lets their kids play in the street. My daughter has a friend who lives at the top of the street (we're on the circle at the bottom) and the girl's mother won't let her walk by herself to our house. I let my daughter walk up to hers, but admit to watching her from the window.

I don't think the world is a more dangerous place now, it's just that through technology, we're more aware of the dangers out there.

Oh, and Michele, there are also ticks to worry about in the woods. Lyme disease apparently has doubled in the last 10 years.

But we have global warming to look forward to.

[Mary Alice and Mystery Lovers]

Michele,
Great blog to unleash our inner fears. My kids survived camp but when my son moved into an apartment in New York worry returned. My friend who lived in NYC told me not to worry...........an apartment on Staten Island? Nobody ever dies there accidently. Do the post card thing............you'll feel better.

[Mary]

After losing two students in a car racing accident, our school was in mourning. I told my sophomores, "I just feel like grabbing away all your car keys and wrapping you in bubble wrap." They pointed out that it would make just as much sense for them to take MY keys . . . but that the bubble wrap might be entertaining. There will always be risks, but we have to let them live a life. The risk that really breaks my heart is the military recruiting tables regularly set up at school -- I would take students aside and tell them I wanted them to find a job in which people would not be shooting at them. I'm retired now, but I still care about "my" students.

[Mary]

My mom's friend wondered how she could "let me" take a job traveling cross country to teach study skills in 1983. Mom pointed out that the world wasn't all that dangerous -- and besides I was over 30 and she couldn't stop me.

[Marcia in OK]

First - Silence is NOT better. And, as Harley's friend knows first-hand, not all bad guys(girls) are strangers. It happens now, and it happened long ago.

Michele - my oldest DD9 just got back from her week at Girl Scout camp. This is her 5th summer to go. Year 1 was mother daughter weekend. Second/Third year was "mini-camp" for 3 days and 2 nights. And, for the past 2 years, she's gone for a week. She LOVES it. She came home telling me all about Archery, and intertubing on the lake, and how to make beadwork. She also came home with a wicked looking scrape on her shin that she's learned to "doctor" herself. It is almost healed.

About 30 years ago in my part of Oklahoma, 3 Girl Scouts were killed while at GS camp sleeping in there tent with other girls and adults all around. Needless to say, Girl Scouts and sleep-away camps for hundreds of miles had a drop in participation. My friend was at that camp when the tragedy occurred.

Many parents my age that remember say "not sending my kid". I had to disagree. Just because tragedies occur doesn't mean that all things associated are bad. For instance because of Columbine, I'm not going to home school my kids to avoid high school. And, Girl Scouts and camp aren't bad just because something bad happened there once. I also go to my local post office and federal building when I have business in such places.

P. S. My local GS camp has high security fences, roaming patrol security at night, and passwords, and locked gates. I'm the right amount of "paranoid" for me.

[Cinema Dave]

Yet how many kids are dying because they are just sitting around the house?

No exercise + video valium + junk food =
a fate worst than death.

[Lee Lofland]

Michele, you're a paranoid woman living in a very dangerous world. There, did that help? :)

Seriously, I think the time you spent prosecuting the worst of the worst just may have instilled a little uneccessary fear in your mind. I know I'm always suspicious of everyone at first.

I raised a daughter as a single dad and that was tough. She made it into adulthood just fine, but I think I aged way before my time.

You know, hanging out with other mystery writers doesn't help a lot either. There is a fine line there...