I Want to Punch Minnie Mouse

by Nancy                             

We went to Canada a couple of weeks ago, and the hotel rejected our credit card. The credit company won't let us charge anything in a foreign country because they're afraid the card has been stolen. This policy pisses me off no end. Stopping my credit is not protecting me. It's protecting them. But that's not the subject of today's rant---er, blog.

Upon our return, the phone rang.  When I answered, Minnie Mouse said to me, "Mrs. Martin? This is Melissa? From Bank Services? Calling about the recent activity on your Visa card?"

Melissa sounded as if she were eight years old, and every sentence ended with a question mark. I had to ask her to repeat herself because I kept thinking I was getting a collection call from the girl who didn't make the junior high cheerleading squad.    

My husband says one of the biggest faults he sees among women in the business world is the Judy Holiday voice. Female executives already have a tough time breaking the glass ceiling. But if you sound like a little girl with a lollipop when you negotiate a multi-million dollar deal, you're not helping yourself.

So the latest thing in makeovers is not getting a facial or a wardrobe change or even a new haircut. It's changing the way you speak. For example, here's a voice coach who says he can change your voice in three telephone sessions.

Because I have always conducted business in my home, it was important that my children learn how to use the phone properly. That plan didn't always work out well. Cassie, at the age of five, answered the phone when I was busy outdoors helping with the neighborhood garage sale. In a very adult voice, she told my Harlequin editor I'd pick up the phone momentarily, and then she promptly wandered off to play My Little Ponies on the swing set. My editor, who thought the phone had been answered by my secretary--hahahahahahahah!--waited for twenty minutes (long distance from Toronto) before finally hanging up.

Despite the occasional glitch, we drilled our young daughters until they lost their Minnie Mouse voices. Now, my daughter Sarah is a nurse, and one of her early observations on the job was that too many nurses use baby voices--especially with elderly patients who have a hard time haring high-pitched voices to begin with. So she's on a mission to get everyone on her unit to lower their tones, speak clearly and slow down.

Most of the time, I figure my speaking voice doesn't matter because I spend my days alone in my office composing witty dialogue that will probably never be spoken, only read on the page. But for a couple of months a year now, I must go on the road to tour my latest book. I do dozens of radio interviews (mostly on the phone, wearing my pajamas) and several television appearances, too. The way I talk matters after all.  Some media training has been helpful. Lowering my pitch, making sure all the consonants are enunciated, condensing my talking points to three important pieces of information--those have been my most important lessons.

My sister's boyfriend is an author, too (non-fiction) and his publisher suggested a whirlwind of media training before his book tour. There was a great deal of information to absorb, but he feels the best tip was this one: Try to sound like Bing Crosby.

What does that mean?

I'm thinking, "mellifluous."  I'm thinking "easy listening." To train your voice to sound as rich, relaxed, warm and trustworthy as Der Bingle's isn't a bad goal for anyone, is it? But if you've got an important message to convey, you really want to make your voice sound as pleasing as possible. That is, unless your message is,  "Move that f**king garbage truck off my BMW right now!"  In which case, disregard Bing.

I have a good ear for voices, for some reason, and I've made a sport of identifying the celebrities who do voiceovers for commercials: Lauren Bacall for cat food. Gene Hackman for Home Depot. Julia Roberts for AOL. It took hearing them a couple of times before I figured out Kevin Spacey and Gary Sinise were pitching cars.

Airlines, credit card companies, hotel chains are all trying to find the perfect spokesperson. Matching the product with the right voice is an art. The proverbial Voice of God has got to be James Earl Jones.  But today's baby boomer consumers don't necessarily want Darth Vadar telling them what to buy. We boomers are much more responsive to Jeff Bridges, who lends his laidback Dude voice for a couple of different products nowadays.  George Clooney does voiceovers, too, but I forget the product because I hear his voice and my brain goes--well, nevermind, but it's south of my larynx.

If you want to learn more about commericals with voiceovers, go here and be sure to scroll down to learn more amusing opinions on Mr. Clooney.

Next year, before we go to Canada, I'm going to telephone the credit card company. And in my best Bing voice, I'm going to tell them not to shut off our credit once we pass Niagara Falls. And if they give me a hard time, I'm going to try Lauren Bacall. And if I don't get the results I want, it's definitely going to be Clint Eastwood.                               

 

Comments

[Mary]

I'm thinking a virtual party is in order for TLC. I've recently heard of something called a chocolate martini -- is it good? I can't be an objective judge because the word chocolate in anything gets my full attention. There was a three-year period when I couldn't have ANY caffeine, even the relatively small amount in chocolate -- Those were some very hard years to get through.

[Harley]

Late to the party here -- yes, I'll have the chocolate martini, hold the booze -- did you see our Paris Hilton on Larry King last night? Asked what character trait she doesn't like in herself, she mentioned her high-pitched voice when she's nervous. Aha! What insight! Nancy! Clearly, she read the blog before the interview!

[Cinema Dave]

Perhaps Paris Hilton's life will change because she is following advice of the Women of the Lipstick Chronicles. Time will tell.

[Debby]

Is a chocolate martini any good? Oh my goodness....they are my drink of choice when I meet up with my friends at our every-so-often get-together in King of Prussia. Just one, and I am good. Yummy!

I also prefer the voices of singers like Patsy Cline. My alto voice gives a semi-good interpretation with practice.

Michael? I used to be a travel agent, and would often pull the 'phone sex' voice out when I needed a favor for a booking. Amazingly, it actually worked sometimes!

[Susny]

Yes! This is not a US phenomenon only; we also hear adult women speaking girlish high pitch voices here in Denmark, on the radio and TV news, weather report and anywhere else in public broadcasting. In the past people working in this field were obliged to take rhetoric lessons, and some claimed that local dialects were under represented because of this practise. The tendency today is that very often, we cannot understand half of what was said.

Another problem does not have anything to do with hearing impairness, but for foreign, international ears trying to listen to fast paced and high pitch US American voices, there is a difficult task! Speaking slower and more careful does help a lot