I Want to Punch Minnie Mouse

by Nancy                             

We went to Canada a couple of weeks ago, and the hotel rejected our credit card. The credit company won't let us charge anything in a foreign country because they're afraid the card has been stolen. This policy pisses me off no end. Stopping my credit is not protecting me. It's protecting them. But that's not the subject of today's rant---er, blog.

Upon our return, the phone rang.  When I answered, Minnie Mouse said to me, "Mrs. Martin? This is Melissa? From Bank Services? Calling about the recent activity on your Visa card?"

Melissa sounded as if she were eight years old, and every sentence ended with a question mark. I had to ask her to repeat herself because I kept thinking I was getting a collection call from the girl who didn't make the junior high cheerleading squad.    

My husband says one of the biggest faults he sees among women in the business world is the Judy Holiday voice. Female executives already have a tough time breaking the glass ceiling. But if you sound like a little girl with a lollipop when you negotiate a multi-million dollar deal, you're not helping yourself.

So the latest thing in makeovers is not getting a facial or a wardrobe change or even a new haircut. It's changing the way you speak. For example, here's a voice coach who says he can change your voice in three telephone sessions.

Because I have always conducted business in my home, it was important that my children learn how to use the phone properly. That plan didn't always work out well. Cassie, at the age of five, answered the phone when I was busy outdoors helping with the neighborhood garage sale. In a very adult voice, she told my Harlequin editor I'd pick up the phone momentarily, and then she promptly wandered off to play My Little Ponies on the swing set. My editor, who thought the phone had been answered by my secretary--hahahahahahahah!--waited for twenty minutes (long distance from Toronto) before finally hanging up.

Despite the occasional glitch, we drilled our young daughters until they lost their Minnie Mouse voices. Now, my daughter Sarah is a nurse, and one of her early observations on the job was that too many nurses use baby voices--especially with elderly patients who have a hard time haring high-pitched voices to begin with. So she's on a mission to get everyone on her unit to lower their tones, speak clearly and slow down.

Most of the time, I figure my speaking voice doesn't matter because I spend my days alone in my office composing witty dialogue that will probably never be spoken, only read on the page. But for a couple of months a year now, I must go on the road to tour my latest book. I do dozens of radio interviews (mostly on the phone, wearing my pajamas) and several television appearances, too. The way I talk matters after all.  Some media training has been helpful. Lowering my pitch, making sure all the consonants are enunciated, condensing my talking points to three important pieces of information--those have been my most important lessons.

My sister's boyfriend is an author, too (non-fiction) and his publisher suggested a whirlwind of media training before his book tour. There was a great deal of information to absorb, but he feels the best tip was this one: Try to sound like Bing Crosby.

What does that mean?

I'm thinking, "mellifluous."  I'm thinking "easy listening." To train your voice to sound as rich, relaxed, warm and trustworthy as Der Bingle's isn't a bad goal for anyone, is it? But if you've got an important message to convey, you really want to make your voice sound as pleasing as possible. That is, unless your message is,  "Move that f**king garbage truck off my BMW right now!"  In which case, disregard Bing.

I have a good ear for voices, for some reason, and I've made a sport of identifying the celebrities who do voiceovers for commercials: Lauren Bacall for cat food. Gene Hackman for Home Depot. Julia Roberts for AOL. It took hearing them a couple of times before I figured out Kevin Spacey and Gary Sinise were pitching cars.

Airlines, credit card companies, hotel chains are all trying to find the perfect spokesperson. Matching the product with the right voice is an art. The proverbial Voice of God has got to be James Earl Jones.  But today's baby boomer consumers don't necessarily want Darth Vadar telling them what to buy. We boomers are much more responsive to Jeff Bridges, who lends his laidback Dude voice for a couple of different products nowadays.  George Clooney does voiceovers, too, but I forget the product because I hear his voice and my brain goes--well, nevermind, but it's south of my larynx.

If you want to learn more about commericals with voiceovers, go here and be sure to scroll down to learn more amusing opinions on Mr. Clooney.

Next year, before we go to Canada, I'm going to telephone the credit card company. And in my best Bing voice, I'm going to tell them not to shut off our credit once we pass Niagara Falls. And if they give me a hard time, I'm going to try Lauren Bacall. And if I don't get the results I want, it's definitely going to be Clint Eastwood.                               

 

Comments

[Annette Dashofy]

My dad was hard of hearing, so I started training my voice into the lower range years ago so he could understand me. Then when I took yoga teacher training, the thing we spent the most time on was my voice...getting it to sound soothing while speaking loud enough for students in the back of the room to hear.

But when I'm stressed or nervous I've noticed my voice doing a sound in my head that reminds me of Fran Drescher and I don't like it! Still much work to be done...

[SarahS]

That's so funny you're writing about this, Nancy, because I thought the uptick in Judy Holiday voices was my imagination. All over the place I'm running into women who parlez baby doll. What's that?

I'm thinking all those years of being forced to wear Daddy's Little Princess T-shirts has had an effect.

Thanks for the heads up on Canada. Thought that used to apply to just the Caribbean, etc. (Have always been dutiful about calling said company then.) However, I will call them now because we're taking Sam - gulp - to Canada for camp this weekend.

BTW - One way to get through to the credit card company without waiting? Choose the option: "To report a lost or stolen card."

They answer right away.

Great blog as always,

[Cinema Dave]

Great point about voices.

I learned about seniors not hearing higher freqencies years ago. A senior citizen professor played a high frequency machine and made a room full of undergraduates sceam for mercy. The old man did not hear a thing.

When I first started in libraries, I had to deal with 100 year old Mrs. Rosenbaum. Everyone (usually female) would talk to them with a Minnie Mouse voice. One day she got me, Mr. Baritone. My voice was still a bit too high for Mrs. R., so I kept lowering my register, to the point of growling at her.

Visualize a 6'3" man growling Harlequin Romance-like titles to a huncback blue haired little old lady.

To some bystanders, this looked abusive - but Mrs. R and I had information interaction. She actually seemed thrilled that she could hear somebody talk to her, no Minnie Mouse voice could do that!

[michele martinez]

I've got news for you folks. It's not just the elderly who can't hear high-pitched tones -- it's US!! If you're over 35, too much rock & roll back in the day has already destroyed that register. In New York a while back kids started using high-pitched ringtones so they could keep their cell phones on in class without the teacher hearing. I know it works because my son downloaded the ringtone, had my husband and I turn our backs and asked us to tell him when it was sounding. We just stood there going, "What? Heh? Play it already!" He and his brother were in hysterics at our elderly-ness.

I agree with Sarah. Great blog, Nancy -- as always!

[Nancy Martin]

I'd be interested in hearing that ringtone, Michele. I pride myself on my great hearing. (Counter balances the lousy eyesight!) But if I haven't heard it by now.....I suppose that means something, huh?

The other kind of hard-to-hear voice is the Marilyn Monroe breathy kind. I remember stretching out on the floor in voice class to learn how to support my diagram---no, Margie, not *that* kind--and I came away thinking that was a class worth anyone's time and tuition. A good life skill.

[ramona]

Dave, that bit with you growling at Mrs. Rosenbaum is a hoot. It belongs in a book.

I've noticed in my many interactions with teenagers that the girls don't do the end-of-statement lift off so much anymore. Perhaps this new generation has broken free of Minnie Mouse, and the Gen X'ers are showing their age. Ha.

As for hearing loss, I lost mine to Peter Frampton and "Baby I Love Your Way." My ears are still ringing from that concert.

You haven't mentioned accents, but mine ebbs and flows, depending on how often I speak to my mother on the telephone. The y'alls and woodja's are directly related to minutes of the call. And if I speak to my Aunt Claudette, whose husband is from Natchez, home of the slowest of the slow drawls? Then...it...takes...me...forever...to...complete...a...sentence....

[michele martinez]

The kid who knows how to download it is off at camp. Here's a link I found online -- no guarantees but you can give it a whirl.

http://ringringmobile.com/?sub_id=7|9900942|mosquito%20ringtone

[Charlaine Harris]

My kids think it's SO hilarious when I answer a different question than the one they actually asked. But they stand behind me when they talk, and at my age (which is mumble mumble) I really need to be facing the speaker without much background noise.

[beachfla]

Ramona, I can relate to the accents. I'm originally from the South. My cousin who's from the piedmont of NC, got his MBA about 20 years ago and started out to become a titan of industry. The national company who hired him sent him for about a month to the U of Indiana to a special program to have him lose his drawl and sing-songy accent (he's brilliant but sounded like a hick to non-Southerners). It worked! To this day, he has a non-descript accent and even says "you guys" instead of "y'all".

[Joyce Tremel]

Great blog, Nancy!

I don't have a problem hearing-yet, but I've found that noise of any kind really bothers me any more. My husband or the kids constantly have a radio or TV on and it drives me crazy. When I'm home alone, I like total and complete silence, especially when I'm trying to write. The other evening I had to take my laptop into the other room because all I could hear was my son crunching m&m's.

And I hate my voice. I'd love to lose the Pittsburgh accent. But at least I can yell really well from taking Taekwondo for seven years.

[William Simon]

Thanks to Houston Weather, I've developed more of a 'nasal' quality than I used to have. Not a lot to be done about it.

[Maryann]

Just a note on that credit card. Whenever I travel more than one state away from my billing address, I give the folks at Mastercard and Visa a quick call. Let them know when and where you're traveling and presto, your account is updated :o) Takes a few minutes to get past that soothing voice saying "all our representatives are busy (or at lunch or having manciures)" but the call is free.
I try to guess voiceovers in commercials too. Kathleen Turner is easy, some others not so much. As for phone etiquette, I must admit caller ID helps me know how to answer the phone...cheerful, forceful, not at all, etc. My own voice sounds fine to me, but when I hear it on answering machines, I go...oh no, Chicago suburbs! My daughter tends to pick up the inflections of whatever area she's in at the time. Two weeks in Virginia and she sounds like she was born there. I don't want to tell you what happened after six days in Scotland! :o)

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

Nancy, your blog reminded me of a graduate school buddy. A tiny slip of a girl whose gorgeous long, thick red hair must've made up 50% of her body mass, she was from Mississippi and had, in addition to a very soft voice and slow drawl, the cutest little lisp you ever heard. The great thing about her was that about once during every lecture (usually by the most pontifical of our professors) she'd raise her hand and ask, in that little lispy voice with all the upwards inflections, the most brilliant and devastating questions we'd ever heard. I think we all wished we could do that :)

The biggest vocal trick I've had to learn is how to project to a class of 300+ for an hour without exhausting myself. A lot of choral singing in high school and college really helps!

[SusanS]

Did you know that pregnancy can cause you to have hearing loss? . . . .(thinking, thinking, thinking). . . it's true. I've forgotten the physiology of it (oh, and the memory loss thing . . . well, another time), but according to my doctor it happens to a lot of women, and it's not just because we hear our kids whine so much we tune them out!

[michele martinez]

SusanS, your point about pregnancy and hearing loss flashed me back to a dire moment in the courtroom a number of years ago. I was trying a serious narcotics case, and my trial partner and boss, who's one of the toughest lawyers you ever want to meet was nine months pregnant. She was cross-examining the defendant, and at an absolutely critical moment in the cross-examination, she lost her hearing temporarily! He would give and answer and she'd say, "Could you repeat that please?"

The outcome -- the defendant was convicted, and my boss had a healthy boy a few days later.

I have to get back to the basement. I'm supposed to writing today!!

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

great topic!

We didn't realize it, but my family was very careful to raise us to speak without the Western PA accent. I can do Pittsburghese, but only if I do it on purpose.

Ramona and Beachfla - I pick up accents really easily. It's temporary, thank heaven, and it can be funny. But then, I'm not running for office, so no one is offended.

[hollygee]

Because I travel so little, Visa/MC/AmEx are on my case if I go out of state -- thus at RWA last year, I had to call my bank and credit cards from Atlanta as I couldn't check into the hotel.

How about all the little girl, wispy voices in the recording industry now? Sometimes I wonder if it is illegal for an adult woman to put out an album. Instead we have a bunch of Lolitas singing seductive lyrics.

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

Hollygee -- you're so right about the current crop of singers! Even the "serious" singer/songwriters -- whose work I would otherwise enjoy -- all sound like 10-year-olds (and all sound alike). Where, oh where are today's Mary Chapin Carpenters and Bonnie Raitts????? (And if y'all know of any, please let me know pronto!)

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

Oh -- in case it wasn't clear, I love the *actual* current MCC and BR -- I just want a new crop of them to continue the legacy . . .

[Nancy Martin]

Kerry, there's a young woman in town doing a Patsy Cline flashback kinda live performance show. I heard her to a promo, and I gotta say---she's no Patsy Cline. Now, that lady had pipes!

Off for a long weekend in Michigan, everyone. Play nice!

And Margie? Oh, nevermind.

[Maryann]

Kerry, take a listen to Brandi Carlile...she's out of the Pacific Northwest and I swear sometimes she sounds a lot like Mary Chapin Carpenter. I don't have a lot of female artists in my collection, maybe because the voices are so little girlish, but I also like Corrinne Bailey Rae.

[Maryann]

The Brandi Carlile (I don't think there's an s before the second 'l')CD is titled The Story. That might help locate it for you.

[Michael]

In the airline business, a pilot’s voice really can be an issue.

Chuck Yeager’s slow Southern drawl was actually practiced by many pilots, and to this day, a lot of them try to sound like that.

Not long after I upgraded to Captain at my previous job, there was a huge hiring boom at the regional airlines. A lot of the new pilots were fresh out of college, and were mostly early 20s. A few of the female First Officers I flew with sounded like high school cheerleaders on the radio and during PA announcements. Not good for passenger confidence, especially when many of them are already worried about riding on the Barbie Fun Jet. “Gee, it’s so little……”

I actually had a conversation about this very topic with 2 new hire female FOs. One of them was a tiny little thing, maybe all of 105 lbs, with a high pitched, almost squeaky voice. She sounded like she should be asking you to buy her an ice cream cone after school, rather than welcoming passengers aboard a flight. The other FO was older, and had come from another airline. She and I both tried to coach “Squeaky” on her radio voice, but it didn’t help much.

Her voice was so distinctive, I could always recognize her even on a congested radio frequency, amongst lots of other voices. One time right after I heard her finish a transmission, someone keyed his microphone and said “I thought you had to be 18 to get a Commercial Pilots License” I think the poor girl really tried to sound older after that.

The older woman, on the other hand, had one of the all time great female radio voices. She called it her phone sex voice, and she clearly practiced it they way guys practiced their Chuck Yeager voice. “The key is to be low and slow, sexy without crossing over into smutty or cheap.” she used to tell me. She had a hint of a British accent too, so she really was nice to listen to.

We wound up flying together pretty often, and we got in early a lot, because she always talked Air Traffic Control into giving us short cuts. “Men are suckers for the phone sex voice.” she’d say.

Even though it was almost 4 years ago now, I still recall one of the few times she couldn’t get us a short cut. She asked ATC for a direct clearance that would have saved us several minutes, but was denied by the controller. “Unable at this time.” was his reply.

She turned to me and in her best British phone sex voice said “Well, he’s clearly gay, perhaps you should ask him next time.”

[Mary]

Several of my teachers' workshops dealt with voice -- a deeper register does command more respect and is easier on the vocal chords, but stress (stress?? in teaching???) tends to cause one to raise the voice pitch, so consciously lowering the voice helps in many ways. One of the teacher's aides also shared the trick of speaking more quietly when dealing with an agitated student, who will then also quiet down most of the time. Someone should teach all these stress-busting techniques to new teachers.
I always pick up a Tennessee (ten-see) accent after my first day in Jonesborough for the national storytelling Festival. And for a nice, mature, sexy singer, Kasey Jones!! for this group, maybe "The Sweet Potato Queens' Big-Ass Box of Music" would be the right pick. (KaseyJones.com)

[beachfla]

The Sweet Potato Queens have the best margarita recipe in the world and now music. I'm excited!