Hooey Wooey
By Harley

Elaine’s Dead End Job series got me thinking this week about one of my past odd jobs: sign-painting.

Despite having no credentials, in my 2nd year of acting school I snagged two sign-painting gigs in New York, on my block (Second Avenue and 4th street). One was “Sabina’s Discount Dog & Cat Food Store” and the other was “Astrology/Card Readings.”

“Astrology/Card Readings” was my great opus, a large sandwich board featuring a neon rainbow on a black background. My roommate Mary Anne noticed that I was putting in endless hours on a $25 job, but being an Aquarian, Mary Anne understood that Art is its own reward. Plus, there was enough black enamel left over to paint the walls and ceiling of our bathroom.

Oh, I threw my heart into the pet food sign too, but I’ve always had a special affinity for peddlers of the paranormal, what my friend Tara calls hooey-wooey. This includes psychics, astrologers, numerologists, Tarot-ists, Rune-ists, I-Ching-ists, palm readers, clairvoyants, those gypsy-in-a-case gadgets at the state fair, channellers, hypnotherapists, rebirthers, past-life regressionists, and pyschometrists. I’ve never met a douser, but after last week’s blog, I want to go visit Sarah.

In my bachelorette days, I got hooey wooey readings as often as I got my legs waxed, usually accompanied by Tara, a Sagittarius, a genius for discovering the latest Psychic to the Stars.

I came by this naturally. My mother (Aries) read playing cards. Her mother (another Aquarian) read coffee grounds. I’ve tried to do this too, but in the end, most coffee ground blotches look like the Loch Ness monster. Anyhow, my mom took me to a reading with Grace, an astrologer, when I was fifteen, and from then until I got married (to another Aquarian) (at exactly 7:32 pm PST, 11/29/97, so that our marriage chart would be propitious) I was a Hooey Wooey junkie.

What’s odd is that I hardly recall a single prediction from all those readings, with one exception: The Psychometrist.

Psychometrists get their information from touching people’s stuff. This one, Martha of North Hollywood, picked up signals from watches. Martha fit the Hooey Wooey profile: seedy house, excessive makeup, unlikely hair color, packrat tendencies, a sofa that suggested mice nesting within, and a smoker’s cough.

“I see a man,” she said in a heavy Brooklyn accent, eyes closed, holding my Cartier watch up to her forehead. “He’s not here yet, but he’s coming. Here’s how you’re gonna know him. You’ll be driving in his car. You’ll smell something. Sniff! Sniff! You’re gonna say to him, ‘what’s that smell?’ and he’s gonna say, ‘Why, that’s my new car smell.’ And that’s how you’re gonna know it’s him. He’s the One.”

I nodded.

Some weeks later, I was on a date, in the passenger seat of some guy’s Jeep Cherokee, and I started sniffing. “Do I smell—new car smell?” I asked. “is this car new?”

“Yeah, I just got it,” he said. “Why?”

As it turns out, He was not The One. Okay, he was The One for about 5 months, after which we parted ways on very good terms, and I went on to marry a man who drove a car that hadn’t had That New Car Smell in about thirteen years. I also stopped seeing psychics.

But I realized something this week: in 2002, my husband got a new car. In 2007, so did I. My car, which is barely 6 months old, has a vague odor of bubblegum and spilled coffee. My husband’s car, more than 5 years old, has . . . that new car smell.

Coincidence?

[cue Twilight Zone music].

Happy Monday!
Harley (Aquarius with Pisces rising and a Capricorn moon)

Comments

[William Simon]

My favorites are the ones who say "I see a woman coming into your life....I see she is blonde.....perhaps brunette.....possibly a redhead. She is tall.....but maybe not." Etc Etc Etc.....

A friend in San Diego *really* believes, and I sent her the link to Sarah's dowsing blog. The next time we spoke, she told me I was what is called a "Mully"... Like Mulder, I want to believe. Like Scully, show me proof.

William
(Scorpio with Capricorn rising and a Capricorn moon)

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

I just had a crystal and Tarot reading this week and some of it was really spooky. Some was generic, but a couple of things were very specific - and true.

I normally don't pay attention to this stuff - I have no idea what kind of moon or whatever - but I do believe that some people have psychic or mystical gifts.

By the by - I HATE the new car smell. yuck.

[Jo]

At 22, I went to a local psychic who told me some things about myself that were dead-on accurate (and, no, I didn't feed any cold reading responses) and things that later came true, and I believed. At 28, I went to a palmist who told me some things that had been true of my childhood, personality things of life and likes, and I believed.

At 33, I went to a mall kiosk where the "psychic" told me I was stressed (no, really?) and wanted to sell me a $40 pouch of powder to bless the corners of my home to remove said stress. I didn't believe, and I haven't been back since.

But, in truth, I do think about heading back to the palmist's stand at the local Renaissance Festival, because part of me wants to be awed again.

[Cinema Dave]

In my younger days, I met with two psychics - they foretold riches and romance. Niether happened.

As anadult, I attended a Salem Ghost Tour. The hostess gave us a good paranormal tour. when the tour ended, she admitted that she was a certified ghost inviestigator AND did reading.
She was interesting and I did some internet research on her education. It was relatively low cost and I thought of enrolling. Then I flew out of Logan Airport in Boston on September 8, 2001.

We know the events of September 11, 2001, which started from Logan airport. I thought - if she was so psychic, why didn't she warn us about September 11.

Two years later, I was visiting Salem when I bumbled into her museum. She seemed annoyed that I had interupted her empty business, but I purchased her book nonetheless. She autographed my book and asked my name. I thought;
if she was SO psychic, why didn't she know my name?
After all, we were not complete strangers!

[sarahS]

Funny, Dave.

Harley, this is great. And, yes, a Tarot reader changed my life so I totally believe this. Why? I dunno. Because life's a mystery and we need more mysteries.

Psychometrist....Can I steal that? Along with Kathy's line from yesterday. Such good stuff here!

[Nancy Martin]

I'm thinking there's a renewed interest in all things paranormal because we're looking for answers in a world gone mad. I find it unbelievable that the greatest nation in the world is---oh, nevermind. Feeling cranky on a Monday, and watching the morning news Is Not Helping. Psychics? Psychometrists? Bring 'em on!

Great post, Harley! Your life is so full and well observed. Your soul is eager and open to experience.

[ramona]

Mully. I like that.

Harley, I am a non-believer, although I do regularly read my Casino Royale playing cards.

[Maryann]

All I know is I'm a Sagittarian (no clue as to moon or cusp), being born at 3:55am on December 17...I was a week early. I've been early my whole life :o)
Have had two tarot readings; one from an absolute charlatan at Jackson Square, (although Cath has had a reading there that was dead on...different reader of course)and the other from a friend. I'm one of those people who doesn't know if she wants to know.
Still, I believe there is something 'out there' and there are people who know how to tap into it.
Intriguing post for a hot and humid Monday!

[Harley]

Sarah, of course you may steal the psychometrist, as long as you don't steal my watch.

And Ramona? I don't believe you, of all people, are a non-believer, I think you just haven't met the right psychic yet. Because look: of all the Bond hopefuls, Barbara Broccoli picked the Blond. Doesn't that say to you that she was plugged into some Guiding Intelligence?

[ramona]

Sure, Harley. Uh-huh. They chose Daniel Craig for his Intelligence.

[Harley]

I'm telling you. The producers consulted a psychic, who said, "It sounds wacky, but go with a blond."

[michele martinez]

Ramona, Harley, there's enough strife in the world. It's time to declare a truce in the War of the Bonds. I might say that the Oreo is the world's greatest cookie, and Ramona might reply that the Mallomar is. Just because I'm right doesn't make her wrong. Can't we all get along?

As for all the mystical stuff, I believe in the afterlife despite lack of proof. And my horoscope is often right, although that could be because it's just so generalized. Other than that, I'm a skeptic, but I do love hearing about this stuff. Fun blog, Harley!

[Harley]

Michele, I'm a Pecan Sandies person, and I'm not going to hazard a guess as to Ramona's taste. But I have to say, my life changed when my youngest daughters was pronounced Mildly Allergic to Chocolate and I discovered . . . blond oreos. I'm not kidding. They had me from "hello."

[Harley]

Oh: I have no doubts at all about the Afterlife's existence. I just don't know what it looks like.

[Nancy Martin]

There will be Oreos of all varieties, Harley, and no allergies at all. I'm pretty sure.

[ramona]

I hate Mallomars, Michele, and I'll bet your psychic powers told you that, and you just posted that they're my favorite to irk me. Well done, as always. My real favorite cookes are No-Bakes. Must be homemade. Trust me to like a cookie that requires extra trouble, for myself. And how, I wonder, did a blog about Hooey Wooey turn into posts about favorite cookies? I am continually amazed.

Back to topic, kind of. In the Afterlife, I want to be a Viking.

[William Simon]

(doing my Anthony Michael Hall as Johnny Smith impression)

(flinch, flinch, twitch, blink, twitch, flinch)

I see.... a spirited discussion on this subject.

I see.... something about a Blond Man in... in the stock market? Something to do with bonds, I think. Or is that Bonds? I don't know, it's not clear....

I see a dark haired woman holding the Scales of Justice talking about English bonds. Dark things, dark colors. Dark colored bonds? Makes no sense.....

I see .... I see people laughing as they read this.....

[Harley]

Mallomars are those things with foamy insides? Marshmallow-y? Is that correct?

I had a boyfriend from Rome, long ago, and the one thing he was absolutely militant about was the American appetite for marshmallows. He considered marshmallows to be utterly synthetic food.

The thing is, I kinda like synthetic food.

Nancy, I agree about the Afterlife and cookies, and would simply add that everyone has a fabulous metabolism.

[Harley]

I don't mean to detour from sacred and mysterious things here, but Ramona, do you have a recipe for those No Bakes?

[michele martinez]

I'm a believer! I paid good money to that psychic to tell me what your most-hated cookie was, Ramona, and whaddaya know, she was right. All my doubts are banished. AND I've outed Harley as a blond oreo lover. Money well spent.

[Harley]

I'm not ashamed of my Blond Oreos, Michele. This is TLC. All are welcome.

[michele martinez]

Harley, face it, you're a blondophile. Afraid to walk on the wild side?

[ramona]

Harley, your wish...etc. I believe lots of people have a version of this recipe. This is mine. The one I stole, I mean. It's from the Talk About Good! cookbook, published by the Service League of Lafayette, Louisiana, in 1967. If I get into trouble for publishing it here, I expect one of you lawyers who hang around here to step up and represent me in food court.

BOILED COOKIES (No Baking!)

1 stick butter
4 cups sugar
1/3 cup cocoa
1 cup milk
dash salt
6 cups quick oats
1 cup coconut (optional--I never do it)
3 Tbsp. vanilla
1 cup peanut butter (crunchy is better)
3/4 cups nut meats, chopped (I leave that out and use the crunchy peanut butter)

Mix butter, sugar, cocoa, milk and salt. Bring to a boil, boil for 3 minutes. Mix quick oats, coconut (if you must), vanilla, peanut butter and nuts (ditto on the if you must.) Stir into chocolate mixture. Drop by spoonfuls onto buttered sheets or spread in a pan and allow to cool, then cut into bars. Makes 4-5 dozen.

Michele: for your recipe, add one heaping cup of arsenic for extra, uh, flavor.

[michele martinez]

Hah, Ramona, the psychic told me about that, too, so I'm not falling for it.

This was her reading:

"There's a dark presence in your life. You may not recognize her as dark because she hides behind all things Blond. You will attempt to get her on the right path, but she will be too stubborn to see the truth. Even when you extend the olive branch, she will not take it, but she will only laugh in your face and try to kill you with poisoned cookies. Oh, and she hates Mallomars."

Yup, money well spent.

[Mary Alice and Mystery Lovers]

I read palms. My mother did too. Haven't done it for years but there is something to it.
I college, when I was pledging a soroity, I was called into palmreading service a lot. One of the sisters was so upset about what we saw she went to a priest on campus of my Catholic college and wept.
The next day, from the pulpit, the priest condemned palm reading on campus. Right then I knew I was on to something.