Today’s Guest Blogger, Toni McGee Causey, is a talented author whose first book, Bobbie Faye’s Very (very, very, very) Bad Day, just came out to stellar reviews. Bobbie Faye is one pissed-off Contraband Day’s Queen (a Louisiana festival—think Mardi Gras, but with pirates and more drinking) who has to outwit the police, organized crime, former boyfriends, and a hostage she never intended to take (but who turns out to be damn sexy!), in order to rescue her brother from kidnappers run amok in the Louisiana swamps. Check out the details at her site: http://www.tonimcgeecausey.com/books/

CRAZY RELATIVES

I met one of my newest relatives at a signing last week, a little cousin, Lizzie, and she was absolutely beautiful. As I admired her very cute curls and big dimples, my aunt explained that in another week, Lizzie was going to become her dad’s own… aunt. That’s right, she was going to be her dad’s daughter and his aunt. At the same time. (My first thought: only in the south.)

Lizzie is my aunt’s great-granddaughter. Because of a tiny little snafu where Lizzie’s mom went after the dad with a knife while he was holding their child, and after the police and a lot of other people were involved, the mom had decided to give up custody to the dad’s grandmother (my aunt)—but only if my aunt adopted the “mother’s half” of custody. The dad will still retain his half.

Are you confused yet?

Yeah, me, too. (I was trying to parse all of this while at a bookstore to do a signing. I’m not sure I spelled my own name correctly on any of the books after this revelation.) I’m pretty sure we have already managed to screw up Lizzie, and she’s not even two yet.

Then there’s my other aunt (on my mom’s side)(hi mom!) who is a chain-smoker, always has been, always will be. There’s just one little glitch: she’s on oxygen, 24/7 now for emphysema. She’s completely unconcerned that she’s lighting up mere inches away from pure oxygen and a tank with enough fuel to launch her to Mars. I’m thinking: leaks. With the way things are made these days, you can’t have too much confidence. There will be leaks, people. I’m expecting an explosion just outside of Baton Rouge any day now.

I can’t keep track of who is not speaking to whom for various family infractions, theft, cheating and general dysfunctional behavior, not to mention the various cousins who are in jail, just got out of jail, or ought to be sent to jail. And really, the seriously crazy don’t bother me so much, because you just know to stay clear when they’re up to their antics. It’s the ones with functional insanity, who appear normal on the outside, who have me a bit wary.

When I mentioned this recently to my friend, Pam, she reminded me of the story she refers to as six-eighty-five – or as I refer to it, the cheap bastards story. Her nephew, back from his tour of duty in the war, was getting married to his high-school sweetheart. Everyone who could, flew in. The travelers had to fly a couple of thousand miles and then drive five hours from the airport to get to this Very Tiny Town in the middle of Nowhere, Wisconsin.

When they all arrived, Pam called her brother to find out where the rehearsal dinner was. “You’re not invited,” he said. “You can sneak into it after dinner, if you want.”

“I’m forty-something,” she told him. “I don’t sneak. And I don’t think our mom, who can barely walk, with be big with the sneaking. Or our crippled aunt and uncle. Not a lot of sneaking with a walker. And the only thing to do in this town if we don’t go to the rehearsal dinner is to go bowling, and I’m pretty sure there’s not a lot of bowling with a walker, either.”

Then upon reflection, she realized, the rehearsal dinner may cost a lot per person and she offered to pay. After some very lengthy negotiations, he called back, triumphant. He’d successfully negotiated the five extra people coming to the rehearsal dinner.

“How much for us to come?” she asked.

“Six-eighty-five.”

Six-eighty-five, she thought. Holy crap, what were they doing? Renting the country club? Hiring strippers for the Pope? What?

“Wow,” she said. “But okay. I’ll write you a check for $685.00.”

“No,” he said. “It’s six dollars, eighty-five cents per person.”

For $6.85 they were going to exclude the grandmother of the groom. If I’d been Pam, I’d have explained that even if it was $685, it was a helluva lot cheaper than him planning his own funeral.

Crazy relatives.

Sometimes, they’ll drive you crazy, but most of the time, for us writers, they are a gift from heaven. When people ask me where my crazy, messed-up characters come from, I have to sort of bite my tongue, because what I want to tell them is, “Are you kidding? I go to family reunions with a notepad and a recorder.”

Please, for the love of God, tell me you have them… some… at least one… nutty relative, and what’s the craziest thing one of them did.

-- Toni McGee Causey

Comments

[Harley]

Toni, I can't talk about my crazy relatives, because in 2 weeks I'm going to see them all in Sherman, PA. Afterwards, yes. Because we only have these family reunions every 2 years, and by Christmas no one will remember that I exploited them all for the blog.

[Liz Clifford]

We're pretty high on the crazy relative meter, so I will just tell you about one of them (she's dead, so we can talk about her!). Remember Boo Radley from To Kill A Mockingbird - the guy who was spoken of but seldom seen? My great, great-aunt Etta was spoken to after church one day by a boy she didn't know when she was 16. She was so traumatized that she went home and shut herself up in her room and seldom came out. Most of the time, all you saw of her was an eyeball as she cracked open her bedroom door to see who was walking by.

But, like Boo, she did come to the rescue when needed. My father fell out of a tree in the yard and she came out of her room to tell the other adults he was hurt. It was the only time he saw more than a single eyeball.

[Annette]

WOW Toni, where do I begin with the crazy relatives. I too am from south Louisiana and could go on for hours with stories about cousins hauled in for growing funny plants, illegal fishing, underage driving etc. Or I could talk about the grandma who thought the astraunats called her from the moon or the uncle who sometimes worked as a deputy and carried condoms in his pocket while on the job. My other grandma, Grom, and her widowed sister-in-law, Tont Cornella, never missed a wedding on the bayou, whether they were invited or not. They were alwys greeted with open arms and treated like family at these weddings. I could go on and on.
Thanks for a great post and I'll keep looking in the papers tp see if you will be in the area for a book signing.

[Rita Scott]

Great blog Toni! Especially with families getting together for Father's Day.
There is a cookbook you would love. The Dysfunctional Family Reunion Cookbook. Stories to go with each recipe and yes, it's set in the south!

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Great blog, Toni and thanks for coming to TLC!

Crazy relatives? I learned General Psych by renaming the chapters after the appropriate aunt or uncle. Advanced Psych was no problem either - I just moved to the cousins.

When they wanted to commit my Nana to a psych ward (it didn't happen - she was 80 and overmedicated by the crack hospital staff) they asked if there was any history of mental illness in the family.

The response: "You are going to need more than one clipboard for that."

[sarahS]

God, Toni, this is hysterical.

I only wish that I could make a joke out of mine....Let's just say I've got in my background. Prostitution. Rampant Unchecked Alcoholism. Child Neglect and/or Abandonment. Adultery. Lying. And Lithuanians.

Often I think of the Brady Bunch, how normal they were and how, as a child, I longed for them. Then I remember that the actor who played the Dad was gay and that Carol Brady slept with her own son and I feel better.

Kathy, I am SO stealing that line....

[Mary Emanuelson]

How about the cousin who refused, absolutely, to be at his father's wake or funeral because "it would be too upsetting for him"?

Hand on heart, it's the truth.

[ramona]

Darn, Sarah, I wanted to steal that line!

Toni, looking forward to reading your book, esp. after reading this. Now I will wonder what is fiction and what is not. BTW, I have cousins in Baton Rouge. I will warn them about possible oxygen tank explosions.

By the way, we are probably related. Just saying.

Speaking of which, Harley, my soul sister, family reunion? What family reunion? I think my invitation got lost in the mail.

[Nancy Martin]

Welcome, Toni! And thank you for a terrific guest blog! As for crazy relatives, I have none. Absolutely none. We're all of us perfectly normal, down to every last nutcase.

As for Kathy's line, I think we all need to steal it, use it, make it a running joke in the publishing industry. Maybe run a contest for readers who can catch all the writers who put it into their character's mouths.

[toni mcgee causey]

Harley, I'm cracking up... that's exactly why I waited 'til I was 1400 miles away from them to write about 'em. (I'm on vacation in Colorado.) I figure by the time I get home, they'll have gotten distracted with the next disaster and forget all about me.

Oh, Liz, that is hysterical! At least she came out to tell them about your dad. Half of my relatives would have been taking bets as to how long he would lie there without help coming.

Annette! I believe I've heard of them. No, seriously. There can't really be two sets of women like that here... oh, hell, what am I saying? This is south Louisiana. There are probably a dozen.

Rita, I have so got to find that book - it might make cooking fun!

Kathy, I am so cracking up. Between naming the abnormal psych chapters... and then that perfect line ever. (I agree with Nancy, we need to all work that line in a book somewhere.

Sarah--man, I felt the same way. And is it wrong that I got a really wicked joy out of how dysfunctional they really were in real life? (Um, probably, but still. Cracked me up.)

Mary, yikes. And sadly, I've had some of the same things said by cousins at a couple of funerals here. Of course, at the good Catholic wakes here, most everyone's plastered and forgetting exactly which relative it was that died.

Oh, geez, Ramona, we have so got to talk. That would be hysterical... but yeah, warn them.

Thanks, Nancy... and seriously, I second that idea and contest. It could be the nod to TLC in every book!

[ArkansasCyndi]

Crazy relatives...I'd be safe posting here. I doubt most of my family realizes I have a computer and know how to use it!

But here's a story (not crazy, just funny). My grandfather retired from running a general store. He took a job as a sheriff's deputy. The only explanation I can give for that is that he had a gun. Any way, he and another deputy were transporting a prisoner, with prisoner in the back of car and grandpa and other guy up front. The let the station know they were leaving via the radio. Somehow, grandpa sat on the mic. keeping the rely button on. For their entire drive, everyone on the sheriff's channel listened to their conversation because no one else could radio in. The county sheriff's office could not contact any of their cars for an entire 2 hours while grandpa and his buddy drive and chatted.

[SusanS]

Our family vacation this year consisted of ten of us flying 2,000 miles to visit the graves of dead realtives. None of whom were even remotely famous. And yes, I needed more than one clipboard for that!

[Lee Lofland]

My family reunions are like a trip to the Greatest Show On Earth. In fact, there are so many freaks of nature in our clan that we could fill the entire trailer park behind Circus Circus on the Vegas strip.

Several years ago, my wife and I attended funeral for one of my family members (we only went at my mother's urging). This was my poor wife's first experience of seeing the entire side show all under one roof.

We were standing near the casket of the dearly departed when my wife turned to me and whispered ever so sweetly, "My God, the only thing missing in this crowd is a circus midget." Well, it was as if her words were the cue to send in the little people. Suddenly, amid many, "Scuse me's and pardon me's," emerged two vertically challenged friends of distant cousins. They were dressed in their Sunday best blue jeans and teeny-tiny cowboy boots. The duo made their way through the crowd until they reached the front to peek into the casket and pay their respects.

As solemn as the day was I couldn't resist turning to my wife to say, "Gee, I'll bet they only knew her for a "short" time."

And then there's my father's side of the family...

[J.D. Rhoades]

Actually, I'm the crazy relative in my family. The others tell stories about me.

[Joyce Tremel]

Great blog, Toni!

I have a cousin who I think is borderline serial killer. He just needs the right stressor to set him off. He's forty-eight and lives with his mother. The only woman he dated seriously was twenty years older than him and looked exactly like his mother! When we were kids, he used to take our Barbie dolls and smash in their boobs. I try not to see him too often.

[Harley]

Ramona, don't feel bad. My niece Chrissy (or it might've been Kelly) when asked whether she was going, said, "what reunion?"

Sherman, PA, June 29-July 1 at the Land of the Vikings Resort. I'm putting you down for Jello Salad. Bring enough for 300.

[j renee stuart]

Thank you, Toni (and everyone else) for the great blog and the comments today. My family put the 'FUN' in dysFUNction. I swear, family reunions usually start with a rundown of who's on/off what meds - who's in/out of rehab/jail etc... Since I'm officially out-of-the-loop now, as far as who is speaking to whom, I just sit in the corner and watch the freak show while happy circus music plays in my head.

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

I love the blog and all the comments. Toni, Ramona, y'all crack me up beyond belief. And Kathy, that line is the bomb. I will now be scouring future Tarts books for it . . .

But can I say one sort-of serious thing? We don't have family reunions in my family. I haven't seen anyone on my father's side for 30+ years, and only see my 2 maternal aunts rarely. My sisters and I saw each other a lot while we were taking care of my mother, but it's vanishingly rare even for the 3 of us to get together with all of our kids in one place at one time.

I know I have/had my share of crazy (and also very cool) relatives out there somewhere. I envy all of you who actually know yours.

Now I'm going to think back to see if I can remember the story about my great-uncle John, who came to visit and left a huge stash of Wild Rose bottles behind the freezer in the garage . . .

[Kathy Reschini Sweeney]

Love it!

Steal the line with my blessing. I won't even ask for a piece of the action.

This blog makes me laugh out loud - Harley - the Land of the Vikings?! A Resort?! Will you be expected to eat big shanks of meat right off the bone?

[ramona]

Kerry, I already have a soul sister (Harley) and a blog enemy (Michele) but if you need a crazy relative, I would be happy to be your blog sister.

Harley, the Land of the Vikings resort? I suspect that you are kidding, but maybe not, as I know that you are tall and fair and brave while I am, like, like the opposite of a Viking. Also, I'm not good with Jello, but I'd happily whip up crawfish etouffee for 300. No prob.

[Judy Larsen]

Okay, my cousin (a first cousin, unfortunately) turned his wife and three kids blue. Yes, their skin has a definite blue tint to it (not quite the smurfs, but close). and, it's permanent. It seems his wife was using some nutrition suppelment that he decided was too expensive (especially since he wasn't taking it) and since he'd taken a chemistry class at some point in his life he decided to make his own formula at home. All well and good until his family's skin turned blue. They stopped taking the potion, but according to their doctor (as well as a chemistry professor they consulted) the dye is cast (so to speak).

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

What a great blog - thanks Toni, and come back!

Judy - As far as I'm concerned, the Blue Family wins.

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

Ramona, you're on -- from now on, you're my crazy blog sister. Just don't ask me to eat crawfish. Big water bugs. Ewwwwwwwww . . .

[Rita Scott]

Kerry - just think of them as mini lobsters!

[toni mcgee causey]

ArkansasCyndi -- Oh, that cracks me up. I know someone (not a relative, thankfully) who decided to make out with a cop (also not a relative) in the front seat of the squad car and they got a little carried away and thought no one would know. Except they had somehow managed to key the mic through some rather important moments. I probably should have said "former" cop.

Susan, you are a better person than I am. My parents try to get me to attend the "blessing of the graves" every year on Nov. 1st, but it's a three hour drive and I flat refuse. My theory is that they're dead and they're not going to care if I bless them from here or there. ;)

J Renee... I know how you feel. I just discovered that one of my aunts (I have three) didn't come to a signing because she's still mad at my dad for something he said... about seven or so years ago. Um, thanks, aunt. (The other one is about to blow herself up as I mentioned, so I'm kinda glad she doesn't travel, and the only one I thought wouldn't come but whom I adore, did, and was the topic of the blog.)

Lee, you owe me a keyborad. I'm still laughing. Man, the timing...

JD, heh. I'm afraid to hear what they're saying about me. (Of course, I am now officially on a lot of prayer lists because I used curse words in my book.)(No, I'm not joking.)

Joyce, wow, that's flat out scary. I would be diligently checking him against wanted posters down at the post office. ;)

Kerry, they are even better tasting than lobster because they absorb the flavor so much better because they are small. Really, if you like lobster, you'd love crawfish.

Judy? You win. (grin) Seriously, that cracked me up. And I have to tell you now, I have something about someone being blue in book 2, but it's not the same thing / done the same way, because never in a million years could I have made up something that funny, crazy and good. Man, that's... wild. I feel so bad for them, though! I mean, being a kid is hard enough, and getting dates, but just imagine trying to date someone when you're blue.

Thanks everyone, for making me feel so welcome today! I'm visiting our oldest son in Colorado, so have been out most of the day and it's a blast coming back in and seeing all of you here!