Things I Didn’t Get The Memo On
by Harley

Please do not expect brilliance today; I lost seven pounds this week, all of it brains. A pox is upon our house. Even the dogs are vomiting.

“The flu!” said the pediatrician, after swabbing the throats (there’s fun!) of 2 of my children. Doctor P. then pointed at me and said sternly, “THIS is why one gets flu shots.”

I felt like the Bad Mommy in that LAW & ORDER episode, the one with the Christian Science-like parents who refuse medical treatment for their children. (Is there any situation in life that does not have a corresponding L&O episode?) “Uh . . . okay,” I said. “I’ve just never really done flu shots.”

In my childhood, there were no flu shots. I don’t think. Actually, I don’t know when they showed up, because flu shots fall into that category of Things I Didn’t Get The Memo On.

It seems I woke up one day and everyone was yelling, “Flu shot shortage! Long lines at the flu shot clinics! People shooting each other over flu shots! Only babies and the elderly can get their flu shots! If you haven’t pre-ordered your flu shots, you can just forget about it!” And I thought, forget about it? I never even knew about it.

Same deal with the 7-Up Cure. The day we got sick, my husband brought home 7-Up. Our kids roused themselves from their stupors to ask, “Is that . . . soda?” because they never get to have soda. And I started to question the wisdom of treating the flu with carbonated sugar. My husband doesn’t question this, and neither did his mother, or my own mother, for that matter, so here we all are having 7-Up for breakfast, and I have no idea why. I never got the memo.

Here’s another one. When a party invitation says, “Black Tie Optional” you pretty much know it means a few odd couples will wear cummerbunds and ball gowns, so you showing up in bedroom slippers would be a mistake. But what about “attire: casual festive!” or our local “California casual”? Or the truly puzzling, “dressy casual?”

And what about those DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG UNDER PENALTY OF LAW tags? Where’s the police task force assigned to that detail? Have you ever heard of anyone getting arrested for removing those tags? No, and here’s how I know: there’s never been a Law & Order episode on it. So why do those tags exist in this world, filling our minds with vague threats and the suggestion that our government takes a keen interest in our mattresses and pillows?

These were the thoughts that filled my head as my children recovered from the flu and I succumbed. Feverish thoughts that I had brought this plague upon us, not only because of the eschewed flu shots, but because sometimes I let my kids leave the house without sweaters. I myself have gone to bed with wet hair, many times, and now all those chickens have come home to roost. My whole life I’ve sneered at the Sweater Theory people, but what if they’re right? What if they got the memo?

I’m improving, thanks to a miracle cure called Tamiflu (unless it’s the 7-Up) but there may be some residual delirium, because at this moment there seem to be two Patrick Swayze movies on cable and now I’m completely distracted by questions like, “is a Patrick Swayze double feature worse than a Sylvester Stallone double feature?” (not that they’re not lovely people; I’m sure they are.) I’m sorry – I need to lie down.

Happy Monday.
Harley

Comments

[Josh]

Aw, come on. Dirty Dancing is a nice little feminist movie. Has Sly done any of those?

As for the flu, it's the 7-up.

[Kathy Sweeney]

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner." Words to live by, really.

Harley - what a funny blog from someone who is still in Injured Reserve!

In our house, it's not 7-Up. It's flat Coke. Maybe a saltine.

[William Simon]

A Love Story

I shall seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and control you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan and whimper.

I will make you beg for mercy.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.

And you will be weak for days.

See you soon,
The Flu

[Cinema Dave]

In time, Sly's movies will be looked at with more respect. If you saw "Rocky Balboa," this film had incredible depth.

During my bout with the flu, I took inspiration from this important scene in which Rocky talks to his son;

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.

But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody.
Cowards do that and that ain't you."

[ramona]

Here's a Memo, Harley: No matter what happens, Mom will feel guilty about it. A plane could fall from the sky onto your kid's swingset, and it'll be your fault for insisting they have something for exercise. There is no point fighting this memo. Acceptance (and Mimosas) are the only way to make it through.

I never said it was a good memo. The upside is, the Sweater Moms get it, too.

Feel better soon.

[michele martinez]

Seven pounds! I want to lose seven pounds!

[William Simon]

(reading Michele's comment and tearing up List of Restaurants for 'Tarts in Houston')

I like that scene, Dave. I saw a sign once that read "Fall down 7...get up 8". That, and Nolan Ryan's (I think it was him) "I missed 100% of every pitch I never swung at."

Relax, Harley. Everyone's getting better. FYI, Root beer is better than 7-Up, but oh well, you are in California. Y'all do things differently out there....

[nancy]

Ooooh, William. What a way to wake up in the morning. YOu had me going with the poem--for a while. Hubba, hubba, baby.

Harley--ginger ale. Otherwise, 7-Up will taste like teh flu for the rest of your life. Ginger ale, though---it always has that medicinal aura.

Me, I lost 17 pounds once with food poisoning. If you're going to be horribly sick, there should be an upside.

Nancy, on the road.

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Harley - those seven pounds? I found them. I'll just keep them for you.

Wiliam - you can keep that list, bud. Some of us eat.

[ramona]

In keeping with William's creativity, thought I'd share a little ditty from the 1918 pandemic:

I had a little bird
And its name was Enza
I opened the window
And in-flew-Enza.

[Harley]

Ramona! Bird flu dates back to 1918?

Funny, I woke a half hour ago with the theme from ROCKY calling me forth and I had no idea why . . .

[ramona]

Oh, Harley, you do not want me to answer. I have this little obsession about big bad infectious diseases. Just ask Nancy. Not only would it bore you, I'd start writing phrases like "mucous membrane" and who wants to read that on a Monday morning?

[Kerry, The Martial Tart]

Hang in there, Harley. I feel for you, although I could handle 7 pounds gone and Patrick Swayze double features! Ginger ale is the flu beverage at my house, too, along with lots of hot tea with lemon and honey. Or sometimes I combine, and do hot ginger tea with lemon and honey.

Good luck, don't feel guilty, and don't worry about the bird flu. 1918 was a bit of a fluke, honest. Although the story of how they re-built the virus to study it is a fascinating one . . .

[ramona]

They re-built the 1918 virus??!!??

Kerry, you just killed my writing day.

[Harley]

I'd rather read about someone else's mucous membranes than cough up my own.

[Margie]

Well, I thought maybe with that poem and Nancy's comment we might get something going up in this mess.

But no, now you people want to talk about mucous membranes and avian flu? I give up.

Uh - and I'll be taking a long lunch today. After yesterday, I need to get Steve a few Brioni ties.

[beachfla]

Wow, Harley, you sure are coherent for having the flu! I agree with Nancy - ginger ale is the cure, along with saltine crackers, orange Jello, and Campbell's chicken noodle soup (you can see the progression!). Wishing your household well...!

[beachfla]

Oh, I'm hoping, for your sake, that one of the Patrick Swayze movies you viewed wasn't "Road House". Folks in my office joke that it's on somewhere on cable 24/7...

[Maryann]

Harley, there were two cardinal rules in my house...hot toddies for colds and flat 7-Up for the flu. The one and only time I got a flu shot (not counting the vaccine for Swine Flu, which as it turned out caused Epstein-Barr in some unfornate people), I got the flu. No make that THE FLU. All winter. My doctor's "It must be a new strain" was no comfort to me at all. To top that, our furnace went out during my second bout. Nothing like running around in a 50F house with the workmen coming and going while I was coming and going myself!
It does go away though. Once you can bear the sight of chicken soup, you're on the road to recovery :o)
Happy Monday back...take naps. Lots of them.

[Harley]

I'm sorry to report that one of them was indeed ROADHOUSE.

And okay, but what about the vegetarian sufferers? I guarantee that eating a chicken after 20-some years without it will not calm my queasy stomach. And about a year ago I went off Jell-O, which was a real hardship. I loved Jell-O. I once did a Jell-O commercial. But one morning I woke up, thought "Jell-O=cattle hooves" and that was pretty much it.

[Maryann]

Harley, Swanson makes a good vegetable broth...add some noodles (egg-free) and some veggies and simmer for a bit.That might help.
And I agree about the tea...white tea and lemon or chamomile are what work for me. You can only chug so much flat 7-Up (warm at that!)

[Glenda]

Harley, you know what? There really is a reason for 7-up when you're ill. Found out a few years ago from our pediatrician when our kids were small. We lose electrolites with vomiting and/or diarhea and 7-up/sprite has electrolites to replace the loss. Gatorade has electrolites too but not good for illness as it can sometimes make diarhea worse.
Hope you get to feeling better quickly. And try the 7-up as soon as you can tolorate it because it really does make a difference in how quickly you feel back to your old self.

[Harley]

I'd like to take this opportunity to confess that I have never seen ROADHOUSE.

Does anyone here think less of me?

[William Simon]

Not at all, Harley, but you need to see it. ROADHOUSE has the classic, ultimate, All-Time Perfect GUY Line:

"That woman has way too much brains to have an ass like that...."

An instant classic.....

[Maryann]

And what about those DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG UNDER PENALTY OF LAW tags?
I honestly used to think someone would hunt me down if I removed one. And I still look over my shoulder before I cut one off. No one has ever explained the need to keep them attached to whatever I purchase, and they look downright tacky sticking out of the pillowcase. I think it's an ancient plot to plant paranoia early :o) Or at the very least develop over-active consciences.
I've never seen ROADHOUSE either, Harley. My favorite Swayze movie is the one he starred in with Liam Neeson. NEXT OF KIN I think.