Searching To Improve Airport Security
Searching to improve airport security By Elaine Viets
Searching to improve airport security
By Elaine Viets
I’ve been felt up by fifty strange females since May.
I didn’t enjoy it, either.
I have a hip replacement. It sets off the airport detectors. When the alarm goes off, a burly woman who looks like Sister Mary Mildred in a security uniform lumbers out and pats me down. Sister Mary has her hands on my bra, around my waist, up and down my legs and backside.
I’m already convinced the plane is going to blow up. Now I’m facing Sister Mary Mildred, the woman who said I was going to hell. Maybe I’m already there. It doesn’t have to be like this. I know I’ll be searched every time I fly, and I’m on the road a lot. I’d much prefer to have a handsome young man run his hands all over my body. Who knows? I might even like flying again.
That’s why I have the following proposal to revolutionize air travel: We passengers get to pick the person who pats us down. When airport security calls out, "Female search" we can state our preference. After all, some people like burly females. I happen to prefer burly men. I’d ask for a male searcher. The men in uniform would line up, and I’d select one for a search. A young hunk, perhaps, if I was traveling for frivolous reasons. Or an older, serious gentleman for business flights.
It wouldn’t be personal. I understand it would be over quickly and I’d never see him again. That would be part of his charm. I know these security employees are underpaid, so if they did a really good job, I’d tip them well. Of course, I’d want a thorough search. Also, I want to make it clear that this feel-good plan is equal opportunity. Male travelers would be able to ask for the search person of their choice.
Think of it. Under my plan, people would happily line up at the security checkpoints. They would beg to be searched. They would leave smiling. The strain of travel would be lessened. Some people might buy tickets just for the security search. Money would flood into the ailing airline industry and the economy would fly.
Some people might be concerned that travelers would make crude remarks and unseemly gestures. That’s unlikely. Remember, an offended security person could "find" something on your person or in your luggage, and the next thing you know, you’d be wearing handcuffs, and not for fun. These people have power, and that gives the situation an interesting twist.
Some of you will be shocked by this proposal. Some will say security doesn’t enjoy pat downs on elderly people in wheelchairs, or metal-studded gimps like me.
That’s certainly true. However, some security employees are managing to find workplace satisfaction even now.
Consider Mike, a hunky ex-Marine with a lot of metal in one leg. He says the last guy who patted him down at the airport was obviously gay and very nervous. He kept announcing every move, "Now I’m going to touch your shoulders." (They were very large and hard.)
"Now I’m going to pat you along the waist." (That was very narrow.)
When he finished, Mike said, "Would you like a cigarette?"