Man Law

By Rebecca the Bookseller

For those of you who don't watch much TV (particularly those of you who do not watch sports), there is a series of beer commercials based on the concept of Man Law.  The Men of the Square Table (Burt Reynolds, Jerome 'the Bus' Bettis, Oscar De La Hoya, Ty the Rodeo Champ, WWE wrestler Triple H, a Motocross guy with a tattoo show on cable, an astronaut, that guy who cut his own arm off, you get the picture) debate and determine, for purposes of creating a written record, the unspoken laws of Men.

For example, when posed with the question: "If a friend gets you a beer from the bar, is it acceptable for the friend to stick his finger in the opening to bring back several beers to the table at once?"  Answer by consensus:  "No. You Poke It, You Own It."  Sage advice all the way around, really.

Some Man Laws are universal: Shotgun is shotgun.  The call is determinative.  Never leave your Wingman.  The Wingman Rule has been challenged through the ages with everything from "But I'm bleeding from my eyes" to "But Chuck Norris is waiting for me at home."  No dice.

In an effort to gain a better understanding of this unwritten code of conduct, I sought the wisdom of several men from varying backgrounds and geographic locations.  Now, as a public service to you, our TLC readers, and as a tip of the hat to our male readers (you know who you are, and if you don't, seek counsel), here are some Man Laws - from our panel and from the Square Table.  We invite you to add to our list.

• Man Law on Refrigerators:  The garage refrigerator is for beer only.  It's not about the space; it's about drawing a line.  A Man from NC adds: in the event that an attractive female party guest is wearing a thong, all beer shall be promptly moved to the bottom shelf of the fridge. Our Man in Vermont wonders why this is an issue.  His Man Law:  The main fridge is for beer only.  Everything else goes in the garage.  An interesting approach, and one that I'm sure makes him a very attractive catch for most women.
• Man Law on Food:  Regardless of weather, the grill is always the cooking appliance of first choice.  A Man from the midwest contributes: further, salmon is a fish, and not a color.  And a Navy Man serving overseas reminds us that No Man shall use a utensil of any kind to eat ribs.
• Man Law on Hair Care: No man shall use more than one hair product, if at all.  A Man in L.A. - arguably the hair capital of the world - adds: moreover, the maximum amount of time allowed for a man to style his hair shall be no more than one minute times the number of inches of the mane.  No exceptions.
• Man Law on Dating Your Best Friend's Girl, Who Just Dumped Him:  "Your best friend is dumped by his girlfriend. How long before you can ask her out?" Under normal circumstances, such woman is Off Limits.  Forever.  Exception: if she is drop-dead gorgeous, the time limitation shall be no less than six months.  A Man from New England contributed the following proviso: just bedding the chick, who is probably vulnerable and ready to get drunk anyway, does not count as a date as long as you don't call her afterwards, and no one else finds out.
• Man Law on Homophobes Using Beards:  Henceforth, any homophobic gay man who uses a woman as a beard shall be known as a McGreever.  Usage:  "Leave it to that McGreever to waltz out of here with the only hot girl in the joint."
• Man Law on Bachelor Parties: A Law Man from Texas summarized the rules: No cameras.  No recording devices of any kind.  Any man who makes a phone call to any female - other than a certified professional - during a bachelor party may be beaten senseless with no repercussions.
• Man Law on Commando Attire:  The only acceptable length of shorts and bathing suits is at least two inches below any possible line of manparts exposure.  This is the codification of the rule more commonly known as keeping the mouse in the house.

Okay, it's your turn.  Let's here 'em.

Comments

[Kimmie]

I must learn never to drink anything while beginning a TLC Blog. Still laughing while I'm cleaning coffee off the monitor.

I'm a woman, but can relay a man law I've seen in action:

Man Law: Even if there is a torrential down pour, two men may never share an umbrella. In fact, the man with the umbrella may choose not to use in order to maintain equality.

I'm making the guys in my office read this one.

[Josh]

Man Law: Memories of shared sports-watching experiences from 25 years ago, including specific play-by-play recountings, are more important than remembering one's children's birthdays.

[nancy martin]

I am surprised you missed this one.

Man Law: If two adult men attend a movie alone together (no doubt featuring Mark Wahlberg playing a walk-on Eagle) a distance of at least one empty seat must be maintained between them.

[ramona]

Man Law: Always answer the question "Do I look fat in this?" with a hearty "No, of course not, honey" and then run to the garage fridge.

[beachfla]

Man Law: A man shall not wear a Speedo bathing suit, including at the local YMCA, unless he is a current member of the US Olympic Swim Team...

[Harley]

Man Law: no man has the biological capacity to find anything in the refrigerator EXCEPT beer without a GPS.

[Jeanne Ketterer]

I'm reading this while trying to get my first sip of coffee down, so I can't quite be responsible for anything I say yet. Plus the screen's still a little fuzzy. What a coincidence -- I must say that Wednesday morning I googled Miler Lite Burt Reynolds commercial to learn who the other men were. Back with you in a bit.

Jeanne

[Ro]

Man Law: Unless a man has been suffiently prepped by a friend, if said friend's wife, girlfriend, mother, aunt, or other female asks for any information, the man must deny knowledege of anything, including even the fact that the friend is still living.

This Law is also known as the Sgt. Shultz rule.

[nancy martin]

Ro, you are sooooo right about this! Why, why is this true?? I do not understand. I can tell my husband something & in 5 minutes if my daughters ask a direct question he will feign ignorance.

Man Law: If forced to drive a minivan to any destination, a man must first be sure it is loaded with at least 2 items of sports equipment and the radio is turned to Classic Rock. A bumper sticker emblazoned with a NFL logo is added protection.

[Maryann]

Man Law: No man must ever, under pain of death, drive into any gas station, rest area or other establishment for the sole purpose of asking directions to any other gas station, rest area or other establishment. This also includes conspicuous use of any GPS unit in the presence of others. Pubs, sports bars and motorcycle shops are the only acceptable exceptions to this law.

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Good ones! Here are a couple I got via e-mail from people too shy to comment directly:

Man Law: Unless it is required viewing for a college course, no man shall voluntarily see a movie with subtitles. Exception: Porn disguised as an Art Film. Must contain at least one FFN scene to qualify.

Man Law: Jail Rule: Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within five hours of notice.

[Kimmie]

Consensus from the office:

Man Law: There is no such thing as a Man Purse. Bags designed to carry fishing or boating gear are simply that. Back packs or gym bags with Nascar or sports team logos may be used to carry other items only within the active season of such sport.

Clarification: Diaper bags containing nothing but baby items may be transported from place to place, but only by the handles and not over the shoulder. Other Men witnessing such transport shall be mindful not of the pastel colors, but of the fact that the Man carrying the bag is obviously able to 'bring it'.

[Josh]

What is "FFN?" Unless that's a typo, in which case I think I know.

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

Josh - the two Fs are for full and frontal, with the third F for Female implied. I know you can guess the N.

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

P.S. I'm sure an FFM scene would satisfy the requirment as well. That was the typo you were looking for wasn't it?

Good grief, I'm now thinking like Josh.

[Joe]

First time to comment - hope this works.

Man Law: The following words may NOT be used in a wedding toast, whether by the Best Man or any other Man: Tequila; That time in Mexico; Las Vegas; First Wife/Ex-Wife; felony charge; penicillin; paternity test; cold sore my ass; or those twins from Daytona.

[Cece]

Man Law: Unless said man is a member of the US Olympic Swim Team, no shaving anything but your face. Ever.

PS Great blog! I love the Man Law commercials!

[Sue]

Man Law on music: When walking into a domicile where your wife/girlfriend/sister/mother/galpal is listening to Barry Manilow, immediately put a disgusted look on your face and ask "What's *that* shit" before replacing it with a copy of Aerosmith screaming "Big Ten Inch" at full blast.

Addendum to Man Law on music: Always keep your CD of "The Essential Barry Manilow" under a pile of dirty BVDs when one of the aforementioned females visit.

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

Man Law: Although cupboards have doors that open, they do not have doors that close. Therefore, attempting to close said doors is a waste of time that could be better spent eating the Doritos removed from said cupboards.

Man Law: Tasks involving power tools, soldering irons, and other complex equipment are, if not easy, at least do-able. Pinning a hem for a female friend is neither easy nor do-able.

Man Law: Thou shalt not iron. Thou shalt not know what an iron is. Thou shalt not know where the iron is. Thou mayest covet thy neighbor's pressed and lightly-starched shirts, but shalt have such shirts only if someone else irons and starches them for thee.

[Jimmy]

Man Law: You may take the last piece of pizza or the last beer, but not both.

[Rebecca the Bookseller]

These are terrific - we should do an anthology on this stuff.

Another Man Law received via e-mail:

Man Law Intervention Rule: Before letting a drunken buddy cheat on his woman, you must attempt one intervention. If the man is able to stand up, make direct eye contact, and tell you to screw off, you are absolved of all responsibility. The Sgt. Schultz rule applies.

[Maryann]

Addendum to Kerry's Man Law: You shall not brew your own coffee as long as there is someone else to brew it for you. Or a nearby Starbucks.

[Buzz]

Man Law's that date from the "Book of the Dead":

Always phone home before you start slurring your words.

Never bum someone's last cigarette.

Don't Bogart the joint.

[Dino]

Man Law on Bar Rules:

If there is a line more than three deep, only shots and beers may be ordered. If your date wants some frozen crap, she'll have to wait.

Under no circumstance shall any man in a bar order hot tea or anything like a latte.

The only time it is acceptable for a man to consume a drink with decorations (little umbrellas, flowers, embellished straws) is if he is at a beach bar, it is delivered by a supermodel caliber topless waitress, and it's free.

[Kathy]

Sue - I'll clarify further:

Man Law: When it comes to music, the only Barry is Barry White.