For example, when posed with the question: "If a friend gets you a beer from the bar, is it acceptable for the friend to stick his finger in the opening to bring back several beers to the table at once?" Answer by consensus: "No. You Poke It, You Own It." Sage advice all the way around, really.
Some Man Laws are universal: Shotgun is shotgun. The call is determinative. Never leave your Wingman. The Wingman Rule has been challenged through the ages with everything from "But I'm bleeding from my eyes" to "But Chuck Norris is waiting for me at home." No dice.
In an effort to gain a better understanding of this unwritten code of conduct, I sought the wisdom of several men from varying backgrounds and geographic locations. Now, as a public service to you, our TLC readers, and as a tip of the hat to our male readers (you know who you are, and if you don't, seek counsel), here are some Man Laws - from our panel and from the Square Table. We invite you to add to our list.
- Man Law on Refrigerators: The garage refrigerator is for beer only. It's not about the space; it's about drawing a line. A Man from NC adds: in the event that an attractive female party guest is wearing a thong, all beer shall be promptly moved to the bottom shelf of the fridge. Our Man in Vermont wonders why this is an issue. His Man Law: The main fridge is for beer only. Everything else goes in the garage. An interesting approach, and one that I'm sure makes him a very attractive catch for most women.
- Man Law on Food: Regardless of weather, the grill is always the cooking appliance of first choice. A Man from the midwest contributes: further, salmon is a fish, and not a color. And a Navy Man serving overseas reminds us that No Man shall use a utensil of any kind to eat ribs.
- Man Law on Hair Care: No man shall use more than one hair product, if at all. A Man in L.A. - arguably the hair capital of the world - adds: moreover, the maximum amount of time allowed for a man to style his hair shall be no more than one minute times the number of inches of the mane. No exceptions.
- Man Law on Dating Your Best Friend's Girl, Who Just Dumped Him: "Your best friend is dumped by his girlfriend. How long before you can ask her out?" Under normal circumstances, such woman is Off Limits. Forever. Exception: if she is drop-dead gorgeous, the time limitation shall be no less than six months. A Man from New England contributed the following proviso: just bedding the chick, who is probably vulnerable and ready to get drunk anyway, does not count as a date as long as you don't call her afterwards, and no one else finds out.
- Man Law on Homophobes Using Beards: Henceforth, any homophobic gay man who uses a woman as a beard shall be known as a McGreever. Usage: "Leave it to that McGreever to waltz out of here with the only hot girl in the joint."
- Man Law on Bachelor Parties: A Law Man from Texas summarized the rules: No cameras. No recording devices of any kind. Any man who makes a phone call to any female - other than a certified professional - during a bachelor party may be beaten senseless with no repercussions.
- Man Law on Commando Attire: The only acceptable length of shorts and bathing suits is at least two inches below any possible line of manparts exposure. This is the codification of the rule more commonly known as keeping the mouse in the house.