Kegel Exercises

By Margie, once again left in charge on a Friday afternoon, and who got away with the blog about vibrators last time, so what the hell?

Are you doing your kegel exercises? You should be. My doctor says there are many good reasons, but as far as I’m concerned, you only need one. Sex. I mean, come on, is there a better reason for doing anything, when you get right down to it?

If you are asking yourself : What the hell is a kegel? Don’t panic - you already know, you just might not know what it’s called. As a public service, I looked for the official definition, since my own version would get me fired - for real, this time.   I couldn't find a good photo that wouldn't get me fired either, so you're on your own for the visuals.

According to the medical experts, Kegels are a muscle group named after Dr. Arnie Kegel, but he didn’t discover them. Turns out the ancient Chinese Taoists had a whole lot of information on kegels in a practice called the Deer Exercise. I don’t really want to know what deer have to do with it, so moving on (but if you’re an ancient Chinese Taoist, call me). The purpose of Kegel exercises is to strengthen the pubococcygues muscles, aka the pelvic floor. Doing that has benefits for both men and women, and I don’t mean just in the sack. There are other benefits, too. Look it up.

Now, here’s what Kegels really are, without the medspeak, and with no foul language, which is harder than you think. For women: you know when you have an orgasm, those internal muscles that clench and relax? Those are your kegels, baby. You’re supposed to be exercising them all the time. Try some now - just squeeze and release. Don’t take your clothes off, and keep your hands on the keyboard - it all happens inside. Gawd, sometimes I wonder about people. If you are a woman and you’ve never had an orgasm, get a vibrator - shit, they’re everywhere now - and then come back. If you’re not sure whether you’ve ever had one, then you haven’t, okay? I mean, not everybody gets the fireworks every time, but if you’ve never like, blacked out for a couple of seconds and/or screamed stuff you wouldn’t normally be caught dead saying, you need to do some research. Get a freakin’ book or something, sit your partner down and say: "Hey! Whatever we’re doing is not working for me - read this damn book, or you’re out and the vibrator’s in - capisce?"

For men, I know where the kegels are (they’re underneath the middle of everything, basically) but I have no clue how you get them to work unless you’re climaxing, or doing the towel bar trick, so pay attention next time, or ask your doctor. I can’t do everything for you. Besides, let’s be honest - one of the few things men don’t have to work at is getting off. And do not even start on Viagra - that’s another blog.

Now that we all know what we’re talking about, let’s get down to the good stuff. The stronger your kegel muscles are, the more intense you can make your climax - your partner’s too, because it’s like the difference between a really great massage and someone just rubbing your back, savvy? I’ve always done kegels, from the time I figured out what they were. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I discovered weight training. You read that right, my friends - they make weights. Just like any work out, you start with low weights and move up.

I don’t know what kind of gym you go to, but I’ve never seen them outside of a specialty store or a catalog, and that’s the way it should be. I do not want to see little racks of them lined up next to the dumbbells, okay? They come in different styles. Some are for internal use only, so you can use them anywhere, and some are more extensive, so you can’t really walk around outside with them. You can also make your own, I guess. That would make a funny party game.

Like any other exercise program, I guess you should check with a doctor before you begin. Especially if the doctor is single and hot - and I don’t mean your OB/GYN - I mean any doctor. Talk about a great ice-breaker.

I suppose you could overtrain (another reason to find a hot doctor to supervise) but so far I’ve never heard of that - and I don’t think taking steroids would help either. Anyone who has ever spent time with a guy who took steroids will tell you there is nothing good going on down there. In fact, it’s bad. The entire downtown area is a wasteland kind of bad, you what I mean? You could have a batting average of .399, but you’re not swinging anything outside the batter’s box, and I think you know what I’m saying.

So - whether you’re a gym rat or a couch potato - do yourself, and that someone special, a favor and do your kegels. You can thank me later. But don’t thank me during - people will get the wrong idea.

Anyone else have any exercise secrets to share?

Comments

[hollygee]

Uh, my physical therapist (and she was not single, but I guess the guys would thought she was hot) said the trick is not as simple as squeeze and release. Imagine an upsidedown funnel and think of pulling it in without engaging the abdominals. Tricky...but rewarding.

[Bob Morris]

Thanks so much for illuminating me on this terrific exercise. I started doing it at the top of your post -- at least I think I did -- and I can see how it would result in, um, something. I'd add more, but I have to go pee...

[Josh]

This subject is one example of how the Internet has enriched our lives.

Seriously.

I Googled the term "Kegel Exercise" and got lots of legitimate medical information and not one objectionable site on the Google page of the first 10 hits. Try that with the seemingly innocent "Nekkid Catholic School Girls" (which actually had zero hits, as of this moment).

[Kimmie]

Great blog - and Amen on steroids. Makes me wonder about the guys still taking them when they know the down sides.

The challenge with Kegels is isolating the muscle group. Like Holly said, you have to leave your abdoniminal muscles out of it.

Does anyone else remember being advised to do these every time you're at a red light?

[Harley]

Yes, I do remember the Red Light Kegel Admonition, Kimmie. I'm thinking there's a reason horseback riding is so popular with women. It has to do with -- i'm talking English style -- with a lot of squeezing in order to stay on the horse. Of course, I have no hard science to back up this theory.

[Stacie Penney]

Margie, I love it when they leave you in charge.

[Ro]

Weights? How heavy do they get? I mean, could you, ya know, hurt someone?

Because that might come in handy.

[Stacie Penney]

Didn't the Red Light thing come from Nancy and one of the Blackbird sister novels?

[Josh]

Ro,

Did you ever see "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert?" Quite an amazing skill, and I bet more memorable at a cocktail party than anything Alison Gaylin could tell you.

[Margie]

Stacie - thank you, and you're right. Nancy does refer to the Red Light Thing in The Blackbird series.

Bob - glad to see you trying this out. (If you have that kind of trouble often, you should keep doing your Kegels. I'm told it helps.)

Holly - tricky but rewarding - that should be the slogan of the National Society for Kegel Exercise Awareness, if there is such a thing.

Kimmie - yeah - guys still taking steroids - so I guess their neck size is more important than, uh, you know. Troubling.

Ro - believe it or not, I hadn't thought of that. Now that I have, I'll be thinking about it more...and

Josh - I'm renting that tonight, thanks for the scoop!

By the way, it's almost noon and nobody has fired me yet. Harley checked in, but she's too nice to fire me.

[buzz]

Viva Dr. Kegel. Great post Margie.

[Sue L]

"You could have a batting average of .399, but you’re not swinging anything outside the batter’s box, and I think you know what I’m saying."

Okay, that is funny, and I'm going to use it.

I can always count on this Blog for laughs.

[Sue]

*That's* what it means? I thought it was an exercise designed so you could maneuver a large thing of beer onto the commuter train in Chicago.

[Hallie]

Sue....that would be a neat trick now wouldn't it?

[nancy martin]

OMIGOD! I take half a day away from the office and I come back to.....Oh, jeez.

[Bea]

Long time reader, first time poster--blah, blah, blah. Hello to all.

WEIGHTS? Really? Internal weights? This part is news to me, but I hesitate to ask Margie for more information, as I fear I will get more information.

Also, I am not familiar with the "towel bar trick." Dare I ask for details on that?

[nancy martin]

Oh, Bea. Dear, sweet Bea. Don't ask. Please don't ask. She's liable to tell you!

[Kerry, the Martial Tart]

I don't know, Harley -- I'm learning to ride English, and that's not the part I squeeze to stay on the horse. One of my riding buddies gets great mileage at parties by telling folks about the time I sucked half a quarterhorse up a different part of my anatomy, though . . .

I don't want to know about the weights OR the towel bar trick. I'm likely to have nightmares enough as it is :)

[Margie]

Bea - Welcome and please keep posting! And, thanks for asking, happy to help. Sorry it took so long to respond. I'm just getting in from a night of research.

The towel bar trick (Kerry - stop reading here) is when a man uses something other than his hands to hold up a towel. Like the weights, I'd advise any interested parties to start with something like a washcloth and work your way, uh, up.

If you're really hesitant about it, start with a paper towel.

[Kathy Sweeney]

Margie - Bruno called from the Carousel and left me a message. Apparently when they went to open this afternoon, all the bar towels were gone.

Call me.

[katiebird]

Hi everyone!

This is weird. My frind N just told me about your site and suggested that I might like it. Little did I know how closely it would touch on my own life.

I just finished a six week bio-feedback course to rehabilitate my pelvic floor -- kind of hyperintense Kegels (with electrodes stimulating the muscle group.)

If anyone's really interested, I asked the therapist about how men were supposed to do the exercises and she told me. But, I don't want to scare anyone with my very first post. (maybe I already did?)

[nancy martin]

uhm.....electrodes? Let's hope Margie doesn't hear about this.

[katiebird]

Yes, will she really be upset?

[Margie]

Upset? Honey - you could be my new best friend! Hope you and your pelvic floor are doing great. Seriously. I wasn't kidding about this stuff being important for reasons other than just sex.

Katiebird - listen - bravo to you for posting, and keep coming back.

On behalf of the people who sent me an e-mail asking for more information (rather than posting a comment) I'm going to take you up on your offer to explain.

Let's hear it!

And to the e-mailers - don't be shy - you're welcome to post a comment any time. If you don't want anyone to know it's you, make up a name. People do it all the time.

[katiebird]

Hi Margie & Nancy Martin too -- Thanks for the welcome. I came here by way of my friend Nancy Pickard who said I could drop her name here if I wanted (and who wouldn't?)

My pelvic floor and I are doing great, thanks for asking! And you're right about the pelvic floor being important for so much more than sex (although that's a biggy.)

I've thought about composing a story for my blog called "Learning to Poop." Maybe I could practice by writing a shorter version in a comment here?

Because the truth is, it changed my life.