Licking Your Way to Marriage
It's cruel what I've done to my husband. Though, in my defense, I can honestly say I didn't set out to trick him into marriage. It just kind of, er, happened. I mean people age. Responsibilities pile up. I can't very well be doing that morning, noon and night, as I'd led him to believe in our brief courtship. Plus, it's tax season. I'm not exactly in the mood when one part of my brain is adding up mileage between Pittsburgh and Bethlehem.
But the other night I was reading a book where the character had pulled the same cruel trick and I wondered - is this blog material? No, what I wondered was, am I not the only one?
I am speaking, of course, of that act one does for another in which most of the sexual gratification goes to one partner. Oh, sure, you can argue there's some satisfaction for the provider. But let's be honest. One half gets all the treats. That's why they call it a job.
When my husband and I were dating, I would impulsively perform this act wherever, partially for the thrill of seeing the pure shock on his chiseled face. Here he was, Ohio born and raised, an active member of the Episcopal Church, a graduate of a staid all-boys school, and I was doing this to him in a parking lot! The woods in broad daylight! On Shaker Boulevard!
And he never had to ask. It just happened. I was like the magic girlfriend. Yippee!
In fairness, I never promised that this would be a permanent part of our relationship. But was I going to point this out when he slipped onto my finger a diamond-and-emerald ring with gold filigree (that he designed)? Hell no.
I remember one of my future sisters-in-law regarding me with narrow eyes. "You must have done something to get him to propose in 28 days."
"Don't worry," she said. "It won't last. It never does."
And that was that.
So here we are, seventeen and a half years into our marriage, and my poor husband puts down the newspaper and asks me the other day, "Hey, whatever happened to that?"
I shrugged. "I don't know."
"You tricked me."
"Yes," I said. "I did. But I didn't mean to."
He frowned and went back to reading. It made me think of Rumplestiltskin. Here this king had married a poor village maiden because she could turn straw into gold and then, once they were wed, it was all straw, no more gold. Did he ask, "Hey, whatever happened to that trick you'd do with the straw?"
Just goes to show that all the wisdom in the world can be found in the pages of Grimm's Fairytales. Though, the midget thing, that's just weird.