The Wide World of Corporate Sponsorship
The Wide World of Corporate Sponsorship
By Daisy (aka Marjorie) James
(The following is a guest blog and opinions expressed within do not necessarily reflect those of the Book Tarts. Or anyone else on the planet for that matter. Possibly including the author.)
I love the Olympics, every last self-important second of them. I will happily go for four years without giving the slightest consideration to cross-country skiing or pole-vaulting; but, as soon as that trumpet intro starts to play, I'm hooked. From the invariably goofy opening ceremony (Flaming Rollerbladers! The Waltz of the Cows! Silly Hats!) to the more melancholy closing festivities, you will find me locked onto my TV, trying not to miss a second. And, thanks to the glory that is Tivo, I don't even have to stay up all night and miss work to do it. If the Olympics were soup, I would be licking the bowl.
I also love to mock the Olympians, because I'm not a very nice person. They devote themselves to their sports, risking life and limb for personal glory and national pride; I sit at home and make fun of their hair. We all have our roles to play. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should note that I have recently been attempting to encourage my own hair to become curly, with predictably tragic results.)
And so it happened that, due to head injuries sustained while trying to make the team in the four-woman luge, the Tarts have allowed me to write this guest blog about the Games. For those of you who have missed the action so far, here's a brief recap of some of the key events:
Figure skating: As of this year, I am officially over Olympic figure skating. Why? Well, when a pair can have a fall so bad they have to take a five minute break while they tape the chick's leg back on, then stagger through the rest of the program like drunk lemurs (okay, drunk lemurs that can skate really well) and still get a silver medal, you kind of get the idea that things might be a bit, shall we say, predetermined.
Downhill skiing: NBC loves Bode Miller. Nike loves Bode Miller. Bode Miller loves Bode Miller. Me, I kinda like Ted Ligety.
Speed skating: The Dutch must just be kicking themselves for inventing inline skates. Just think, for decades they dominated speed skating, because apparently that's how you get around Holland in the winter. But then someone had to go and come up with a way to do it on pavement, and all of a sudden people from places like Houston and Miami are coming in and taking over their sport. It hardly seems fair.
Short track speed skating: NASCAR on ice. A bunch of guys making left turns while everybody watches to see if they crash.
Snowboarding: I know this sport is all about being young and cool, but do their pants really have to be falling off in competition? I mean, seriously, I was seeing underwear. (Aside to female snowboarders: You have hips. This may not always be a positive thing, but they're good at keeping your pants on. Just because you want to be as respected as the boys doesn't mean you have to resort to cross-dressing.) At least the American team's uniforms were actual clothes. The Japanese looked like they showed up in their pajama bottoms. I wonder how long it will be before someone breaks down and wears one of those spandex bodysuits in a competition? Sure, they're dorky as all hell, but a lot more aerodynamic than twenty yards of loose fabric.
Luge: "Hey, I know. Let's lie on tiny little sleds and fling ourselves down an ice-covered track at freeway speeds! With lots of turns, to make sure we have a good chance of crashing."
Skeleton: "Yeah, but why don't we do it head-first?"
Doubles luge: Unlike figure skating, they never let you know which pairs are couples and which are just friends.
Curling: I was all set to watch the curling this year. Sure, it's the sport that everybody ignores, the easy joke, but I was convinced I would watch it and discover a fascinating and quietly thrilling event. Boy, was I wrong. For those of you who are considering making the same mistake, here's a helpful introduction to the sport:
- Two teams of four guys from Minnesota (or the equivalent) stand around on the ice with rocks with handles on the top. Each team has four rocks. Then one guy slides a rock out on the ice and the other guys, wearing very slippery shoes, run out and alternately do and do not scrub the ice in front of it with their brooms. This happens sixteen times. Per inning.* There are ten innings.** It's like watching the International Mopping Championships.
Hockey: I have not watched an Olympic hockey event. Nothing against the sport, but they're showing 400 hours of events and something had to go.
So there you have it. Your complete guide to the 2006 Winter Olympics. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go listen to the National Anthem while biting my lower lip.
(Daisy/Marjorie aka Shopping Tart is one of our favorite regulars here at TLC. She's very shoe-savvy as well as a terrific writer. Visit her blog for more of her hilarious Olympic insights.)