New Sex Questions for Boobs

New Sex Questions for Boobs

By Kathy Reschini Sweeney, who (for once) had boring answers

Recently, I went for my regular OB/GYN exam.  After 40 years, they become routine.  A bit uncomfortable at certain moments (let's just say the cervix does not like to be disturbed, and leave it at that) but no big deal.  I have been seeing the same PA for years.  Love her.  We have similar backgrounds as well as builds.

This time, a new twist.  New questionnaires - and then they asked the same questions in person.  As a lawyer, I assume they are trying to impeach the witness (catch the patient in a lie) but I learned yesterday it has more to do with (surprise) institutional bullshit.  Because no one checks to see if you gave the same answer.

So here are the new questions:

1.  Are you sexually active?

2.  Have you had any new partners since your last appointment?

That's right.  Look out sluts, you are in for an interrogation.  Virgins, the frigid, and people who are such asshats that they only get off by flying solo need not worry.  I am looking at you, politicians - except if you were prone to tell the truth, you'd have to disclose the whores.  There is more than one form of currency that buys sex, so just because you all learned from idiot Spitzer who used his real credit card (but not condoms - whuh?!) doesn't mean we can't find out.  Remember that decimation of the 4th Amendment you nads called The Patriot Act?  Look into it, pigs.

But I digress.

The first time I saw the sex questions, they were on a written form. I do not make wisecracks on written forms. (See, Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism (USA Patriot Act) Act of 2001, Pub. L. No. 107-56, 115 Stat. 272 (2001) aka The Patriot Act).

I had to grit the good side of my teeth to answer them straight, but I did.

Then, because life is good, they asked me again in the exam room.  Let me point out that they wait until you are covered in the equivalent of half a dozen paper towels before they ask you any questions.  And because this is a teaching hospital, there is always someone else in the room.  This time, it was a computer expert because the office was finally going "live" - meaning they were officially taking all notes on the computer.  It was a mess.  Forget the actual physical exam, this was a logistical nightmare in real time.

And it provided me with my opening.  Because nothing challenges me more than the chance to make stressed out people laugh out loud.

 PA (frowning at the computer screen): "Are you sexually active?"

Me: "Like, every day?  Not since my boob was sliced."

PA (typing the answer and only half listening): "Not every day."  She looks over her shoulder at the IT person: "Is it every day?"

IT person: "No.  I mean, that's not the question."

Me:  "Okay then, I am sexually active.  I'm married."

PA: "Any new partners since your last visit?"

Me: "You mean, in real life?  Because you know, when I see George Clooney in a tux, I really can't predict what's going to happen when I fall asleep."

IT: Coughs to cover the laugh because the PA is still totally stressed out.

PA (Typing then looks over at me):  "Did you say George Clooney?"

Me: "Yes, but not in real life.  I am trying to be totally honest here.  There may have been others during the last year, but I can't tell if that's relevant or if this is like confession and I have to list them all."

IT (crosses herself and has to sit down.  She is obviously RC).

PA (giving me the full eyebrow arch and a smirk): "There's no place on this screen to list them, Kath.  But I would love to hear more about it over a margarita."

Me (to the IT):  "You know, you need more space for these answers if you want people to tell you the truth."

PA (to the IT, and finally starting to laugh): "Ignore her.  She's a smartass."

Me:  "Yes I am.  Is that another question?  Or do you want to know more about my sex life.  Because I am thinking of trying something new once my jaw heals."

Mission accomplished.  They both had to take a seat.  Just for good measure, I mentioned Stephen Colbert making margaritas with a transvaginal ultrasound wand, because if you can't kill that bit with an audience in an OB/GYN office, you don't want to try it at the church Fish Fry.

As a post-script, I learned from my young doctor friend (Happy Birthday, Doc E!) that the fastest growing population segment for HIV and STDs is the elderly.  This makes perfect sense to me because not only do they have no need to use birth control, but when the memory starts to go, every day is the opportunity for a new one-stand, even if it happens to be the same person.  After some awkward phone calls from senior centers regarding my great uncles, I thought this was just an Italian thing.  But with Viagra in the gum machines, everyone can get in on the fun.  But that's another blog.

So, my friends, how about if you answer the questions?  

 

 

 

Comments

[Karen in Ohio]

Omigod, Kathy, you are a much-needed breath of fresh air. Thank you for this blog!

Yeah, yeah. This "small government" thing, when does THAT happen? And who's business is it, who we have sex with, or not, anyway? Enough, already.

[Alan P.]

First, as the IT guy, there is no possible reason for me to be in an exam room unless I am a patient. If you think your doctor thinks HIPAA is a pain, the docs pain is a splinter, the hospital's IT department thinks its a severed limb.

"Have you ever had sex with..." I was a Pheresis donor for 20 years. Every month would be the list of questions about who I had sex with. For the curious, the following are no no's: IV drug users; prostitutes; men (if you are a man), known homosexual men (if you are a woman) and for a time, immigrants from several countries. It is just as well I am married. We donors used to joke about bringing are checklist with us to a singles bar.

"You are nice and all, and we seem to be having a great time, but before this goes much further, have you taken IV drugs, even once including steroids?" Sort of kills the mood.

[Karen in Ohio]

Alan, a friend of ours used to own a multi-state chain of plasmapheresis centers. Your story's pretty funny; I'll have to share it!

[Ramona]

Interesting. Methinks an insurance company is behind this. Can we all say "risky behaviors" together?

The last time I was interrogated about my sex life was in the church confessional. It was also the last time I went to confession.

[Josh]

Darn. Yes, and no. As long as the first question involves just myself.

And, funny to say, and this may be because I'm Jewish and just a step from a Borsht-Belt comedian, but I would have given the exact opposite answer from yours, i.e., "No, I am married."

[Gaylin]

No I am not sexually active, darn.
No new partners in the recent past either.

I don't like cooking breakfast for other people.

When I go for my lady-bits exam, I bring a beautiful pareo (sarong) from Tahiti and use that for my own cover-up. A green alternative to those stupid paper things.

I had to stop donating blood because of low blood pressure & chronic anemia. The last time I did the questionnaire was very long and probably stopped a lot of people from even trying to donate.

[Karen in Ohio]

Gaylin, I like your style. And I may adopt the own-pareo idea for my own!

[Storyteller Mary]

Gaylin, I love it! Definitely taking my own cover-up next time! Metro Imaging has lovely cloth capes for the mammograms. The staff actually made them when they first opened the facility, but since then a manufacturer has adopted their design, so they don't have to have sewing parties to cover their patients.
Kathy, you beloved smart-ass! Thanks for the chuckles. You are so tolerant of odd situations. The IT person? I recently saw a gyn. for the first time in years, and the "sexually active" question surprised me. Now I know it's just the new normal routine . . .
I said, "No, good men are hard to find," and she said, "I've noticed that, too." (and she is young and very pretty, so I don't feel so bad).
I've told the Red Cross people they should begin with "Have you had sex in the past year (or whatever)?" as the first question, and "if no, skip to #99" instead of asking all the variants over and over, rubbing it in, as it were.
It reminds me of Green Eggs and Ham, "Have, you have you, with a bi?" "Would you, would you for a fee?"