By Kathy Reschini Sweeney, who has a female reproductive system and is therefore qualified to be the Decider
I know I said I was going to try to stay out of politics - but this one crosses all political parties, subdivisions, and inclinations.
A Man Who wants to control your Uterus.
Go Fuck Yourself.
And that goes double for a RELIGIOUS man who wants to control my uterus. How about getting your own cat houses in order before you bound into my bedroom? The unfortunate reality is that most religious institutions wouldn't know a moral high ground if it were on a relief map in their laps. Yeah. I DID put it that way, because after all, I must be totally driven by penis envy. Riiiiiiiight.
Earlier today on Facebook, I posted the following image along with the following message:
"Memo to all elected officials and those who aspire to same: This country needs jobs. We checked and no one's Uterus is hiring. So get the hell out of our reproductive systems and do some actual WORK to put Americans back to WORK."
See, I think it should be about controlling the boobs aka idiots from saying and doing things that will set the entire world back about a hundred years and less about what goes on in my Va-Jay-Jay and the surrounding community of my own body.
For purposes of discussion, let's refer to all male politicians (and some idiot women who need to turn in their estrogen and take one for the team, I am talking to you Liz Trotta, just saying) as "Senators". Just because.
Do you see me evaluating a Senator (former, current or future) in terms of how his johnson functions? You do not.
Do you see me requiring that said Senator watch films on impotence, protected sex or HIV before he can get a prescription for Viagra or Cialis? You do not.
Do you see me requiring Senators to wear ice packs when they ride bikes so it doesn't impact their sperm count? You do not.
Do you hear me requiring that the Senators impanel a committee to discuss the general use and prohibition of any activity related to their beans and weiners? You do not. Blech.
Those kinds of invasions and violations of civil rights would be ridiculous.
Naturally, in order to avoid a rise in blood pressure that would blow one of my eyes out of its socket, I am going to try to make fun. Because Mel Brooks said that is the very best way to take down a villian - make him a joke.
Thus, my first BUMPER STICKER CONTEST!! The winner will get a gift certificate to Mystery Lovers Bookshop (because not every town has a Fredricks of Hollywood or a Condom Nation).
Here is my first proposal:
HEY! If you guys don't stop messing with our uteri,
you won't be welcome in the neighborhood.
I will be back with more, but first, it's your turn!
Okay, this one has been rolling around in my head all day:
STOP DICKING AROUND WITH MY UTERUS
NOW it's your turn...
Here is one for Tuesday:
Let's Talk About Birth Control. Right after Your Vasectomy.
And here is a paraphrase from a classic SNL Point/Counterpoint:
"Senator, if only birth control had been available when your mother got pregnant with you."